Eddie Murphy Quotes

My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherfuckers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, nigger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

[about slavery] The first nigger who tried that shit... Somebody said, "Nigger, bale this cotton" and he said "Fuck you, Massa"...
[sound of a whip]
The other motherfuckers said, "All right, we'll bale the shit, all right. Just keep that fucking shit away from me."

I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going:
[Mr. T voice]
Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!

[Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism] ... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my fucking bag! Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...

I'm winded, I'm out of breath... I'm sweatin' and shit.
Female Crowd Member: Do Mr. Rob!
Male Crowd Member: SHUT UP, BITCH!
[Eddie and crowd bursts into huge laughter/applause]
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too!

[as his drunk father] Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherfuckin' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus! With my children? The bitch can't talk! She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She can *not* walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the fuck outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? But you got to not bring her around here - fuck her! And your motherfuckin' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherfuckers is 6 years old and have Afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherfuckers, just like their mother. Look at the motherfuckers! You know how I found out they was Bigfoot - when I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherfuckin' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the fuck are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this
[quickly shakes head back and forth]
and the motherfuckers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherfuckin' shit?" Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie-Goo-Goo." What the fuck is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherfucker. You can take your motherfuckin' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch out the fuck, you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these mothafuckin' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfucking "Goonie-Goo-Goo"-mobile and get the fuck out! And if my wife don't like that, she can get the fuck out, too!
[Eddie mimes his shoe-throwing noise]
You missed me, bitch!

There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.

Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
[imitating the ice cream man] Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run.

[as his drunk father] You told me you met your wife on a motherfuckin' camping trip and that she was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherfuckin' Puerto Rican. I thought she was when I first met, because I walk up and say 'hello, good to meet you, my name is Vernon' and she say 'Hi, I'm Bunny, goonie goo goo'. What the fuck does goonie goo goo mean, Gus? I still don't know what that shit means to this day. I though I'd learned some new Spanish shit! I walk up to my friend and say 'Hey, Sanchez, goonie goo goo!' and Sanchez say 'Get the fuck out of here!'

[as drunk father] Why can't she walk a step? You know why she can't a step? Because she's a fat, hairy bitch.

Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."

There's a song out now called "Ain't Nothin' Goin' on But the Rent." So when a man asks a woman "Hey, baby! What's going on?" The woman will say, "The rent, motherfucker!"

[Bill Cosby has called Eddie to complain about bad language in Eddie's act]
Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!"

Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And
[shouts]
y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherfucker.

[imitating his father who is singing Motown songs but messing up the lyrics] If I have to beg and plead to the symphony...
["If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy"]

I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthafuckas." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, "Can you state your case?"
[gangsta voice]
"Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor... yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin', right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin', says "There go Eddie Murphy." Started actin' all tipsy and shit. I said, "Where, where?" She go, "Over there." I say, "Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!" I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don't give a fuck, I ain't gittin on nobody's jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, "Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker's autograph?" I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, "Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph."
[pause]
Then Ed said, "I ain't signing a *motherfuckin'* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!" I said, "Yo, Ed, I'll bust your ass for sayin' shit like that." He say, "Wh-Where, motherfucker, I'll kill-" And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!
[normal]
I was disgusted.
Man in Audience: Half!
[gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit!

Little Eddie: [demonstrating] Then he kicked him in the ding-ding.

She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

[as Bill Cosby] Yoouuu cannot say filth flarn filth flarn filth in front of people!
And I said, "I never said no filth flarn filth! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm offended that you called! Fuck you!" And that's when Bill got raw on me!
[as Bill Cosby] That's what I'm talking about! Yoouuuuu cannot say... fuck!

[imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

[Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at] And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.

Russell Brand Quotes

"I couldn't possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!"

"Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox."

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you"

"Have you been out in society recently? 'Cause it's SHIT."

"Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage."

"To this day, I feel a fierce warmth for women that have the same disregard for the social conventions of sexual protocol as I do. I love it when I meet a woman and her sexuality is dancing across her face, so it's apparent that all we need to do is nod and find a cupboard."

"For me happiness occurs arbitrarily: a moment of eye contact on a bus, where all at once you fall in love; or a frozen second in a park where it's enough that there are trees in the world."

"All penguins are the same below the surface, which I think is as perfect an analogy as we're likely to get for the futility of racism"

"Life’s never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you’d want it to look."

"I hope it is not necessary for me to stress the platonic nature of our relationship- not platonic in the purest sense, there was no philosophical discourse, but we certainly didn't fuck, which is usually what people mean by platonic; which I bet would really piss Plato off, that for all his thinking and chatting his name has become an adjective for describing sexless trysts. "

"My dad's philosophy was (and I think still is) that life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, "Fucking hell. This one's serious. Let him through."

"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."

"From quite early on, I had this idea of compartmentalized identities - 'this is how you are when you are with your mum, and this is how you are when you are with your dad' - so it seemed like I could never absolutely be myself. And the image of myself as compromised and inconsistent made me want to withdraw from the world even further. I had a sense of formulating a paper-mache version of myself to send out in the world, while I sat controlling it remotely from some smug suburban barracks" 25."

"Say I feel all sad and self-indulgent, then get stung by a wasp, my misery feels quite abstract and I long just to be in spirtual pain once more - 'damn you tiny assain, clad in yellow and black, how i crave my former innocence where melancholy was my only trial'."

"I've always been a 'your parents have got to come up to the school' type of person. Even now, when I do something wrong - if I say something inappropriate on a live tv show, for example - I half expect to have to deliver a note to Barbara Brand: 'Please come up to Channel 4 head office, Russell's done something despicable."

"I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One". And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time."

"The light. The light is so bright that all that remains is you and the darkness. You can feel the audience breathing. It's like holding a gun or standing on a precipice and knowing you must jump. It feels slow and fast. It's like dying and being born and fucking and crying. It's like falling in love and being utterly alone with God; you taste your own mouth and feel your own skin and I knew I was alive and I knew who I was and that that wasn't who I'd been up till then. I'd been so far away but I knew I was home.(Pg. 89)"

"There was [really] little difference between someone acting throwing french fries in your face and someone throwing french fries in your face."

"Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory."

"I know that's the sort of thing people say and I really hate it when people say the sort of things people say. I always think, 'You don't mean that, you just think it sounds good'" 289."

"We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless."

"I want to change the word, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before Im dead, and then more afterwards."

"Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do."

"What I've learnt - to my cost - on several occasions in my life, is that people will put up with all manner of bad behaviour so long as you're giving them what they want. They'll laugh and get into it and enjoy the anecdotes and the craziness and the mayhem as long as you're going your job well, but the minute you're not, you're fucked. They'll wipe their hands of you without a second glance. - 195"

"... And drinking neat liquor from the bottle, with all my long hair and my shirt undone and my beads, not so much the lizard king, more a gecko duchess, I fitted in nicely with their idea of what a creative person should be."

"People don't realize that the future is just now, but later."

"Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws."

"I've never had a sustained period of medication for mental illness when I've not been on other drugs as well. It's just not something that I particularly feel I need. I know that I have dramatically changing moods, and I know sometimes I feel really depressed, but I think that's just life. I don't think of it as, "Ah, this is mental illness," more as, "Today, life makes me feel very sad." I know I also get unnaturally high levels of energy and quickness of thought, but I'm able to utilize that."

"If you strip away self-effacement, charm and the spirit of mischief-qualities that make determination and ambition tolerable- you're left with a right ar**hole."

"And while we're on the subject of ducks, which we plainly are, the story, 'The Ugly Duckling' ought to be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet."

"I get fixated when I'm bleeding- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When i cut myself, the drama of it calms me down."

"Life's never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you'd want it to look."

"From quite early on, I had this idea of compartmentalised identities - 'This is how you are with your mum, and this is how you are with your dad' - so it seemed like I could never absolutely be myself. And this image of myself as compromised and inconsistent made me want to withdraw form the world even further. I had a sense of formulating a papier-mache version of myself to send out in the world."

How the Catholic Church can improve its image.

So the Pope is coming to town this week. I personally am indifferent to the Pope and have contempt for religions of all kinds. Sarah Silverman an American comedian has come up with a great way for for the Vatican to improve it's image - hey if they did this I might almost believe... Actually I wouldn't, but I' probably stop moaning about them...

Christianity hats and other absurdities in religion!

George Carlin talks about angels

Jon Stewart interviews George Carlin

George Carlin It's Bad For Ya

BILL HICKS on War & Freedom

George Carlin - We Like War

George Carlin on Politicians

Bill Hicks Quotes

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Bill Hicks - My Hero

Many years ago a flatmate of mine introduced me to an American comedian named Bill Hicks. We sat together and watched a DVD called Revelations. Within minutes I was fixated. Despite how dated the jokes were (mainly relating to George Bush Sr and the first Gulf war.) However, it all seemed so current what with another George Bush in the White House and a second Gulf war in progress.



Over the coming weeks I searched the Internet and book stores for as much information as I could find on this man, I was saddened to find that we lost this great mind to cancer several years before I had even heard of him - something that made Bill Hicks own words at the end of this stand up sketch even more poignant to me.


“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly coloured and it’s very loud and it’s fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, “hey – don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride…” …It’s just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.” — The Late Bill Hicks, Comedian

George Carlin - Saving the Planet

My favorite George Carlin Quotes.

Always do whatever's next.


At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.


Electricity is really just organized lightning.


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.


I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.


I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.


I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.


If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.


Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.


One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.


Religion is just mind control.


Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.


The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.


The status quo sucks.


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


Think off-center.


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?


When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?


When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.


When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.


When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.


You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin The Ten Commandments Broken Down

George Carlin is one of my Heros. Here is some of his stand up. Expect to see more on this website in the coming months.