Bitcoins destroy humanity.

I just found an amusing article about the Terminator using bitcoins.

http://www.freebitcoingiveaway.co.uk/you-dont-have-to-be-human-to-have-a-bitcoin-wallet/

Enjoy.

Eddie Murphy Quotes

My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherfuckers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, nigger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

[about slavery] The first nigger who tried that shit... Somebody said, "Nigger, bale this cotton" and he said "Fuck you, Massa"...
[sound of a whip]
The other motherfuckers said, "All right, we'll bale the shit, all right. Just keep that fucking shit away from me."

I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going:
[Mr. T voice]
Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!

[Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism] ... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my fucking bag! Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...

I'm winded, I'm out of breath... I'm sweatin' and shit.
Female Crowd Member: Do Mr. Rob!
Male Crowd Member: SHUT UP, BITCH!
[Eddie and crowd bursts into huge laughter/applause]
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too!

[as his drunk father] Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherfuckin' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus! With my children? The bitch can't talk! She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She can *not* walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the fuck outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? But you got to not bring her around here - fuck her! And your motherfuckin' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherfuckers is 6 years old and have Afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherfuckers, just like their mother. Look at the motherfuckers! You know how I found out they was Bigfoot - when I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherfuckin' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the fuck are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this
[quickly shakes head back and forth]
and the motherfuckers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherfuckin' shit?" Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie-Goo-Goo." What the fuck is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherfucker. You can take your motherfuckin' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch out the fuck, you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these mothafuckin' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfucking "Goonie-Goo-Goo"-mobile and get the fuck out! And if my wife don't like that, she can get the fuck out, too!
[Eddie mimes his shoe-throwing noise]
You missed me, bitch!

There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.

Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
[imitating the ice cream man] Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run.

[as his drunk father] You told me you met your wife on a motherfuckin' camping trip and that she was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherfuckin' Puerto Rican. I thought she was when I first met, because I walk up and say 'hello, good to meet you, my name is Vernon' and she say 'Hi, I'm Bunny, goonie goo goo'. What the fuck does goonie goo goo mean, Gus? I still don't know what that shit means to this day. I though I'd learned some new Spanish shit! I walk up to my friend and say 'Hey, Sanchez, goonie goo goo!' and Sanchez say 'Get the fuck out of here!'

[as drunk father] Why can't she walk a step? You know why she can't a step? Because she's a fat, hairy bitch.

Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."

There's a song out now called "Ain't Nothin' Goin' on But the Rent." So when a man asks a woman "Hey, baby! What's going on?" The woman will say, "The rent, motherfucker!"

[Bill Cosby has called Eddie to complain about bad language in Eddie's act]
Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!"

Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And
[shouts]
y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherfucker.

[imitating his father who is singing Motown songs but messing up the lyrics] If I have to beg and plead to the symphony...
["If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy"]

I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthafuckas." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, "Can you state your case?"
[gangsta voice]
"Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor... yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin', right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin', says "There go Eddie Murphy." Started actin' all tipsy and shit. I said, "Where, where?" She go, "Over there." I say, "Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!" I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don't give a fuck, I ain't gittin on nobody's jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, "Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker's autograph?" I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, "Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph."
[pause]
Then Ed said, "I ain't signing a *motherfuckin'* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!" I said, "Yo, Ed, I'll bust your ass for sayin' shit like that." He say, "Wh-Where, motherfucker, I'll kill-" And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!
[normal]
I was disgusted.
Man in Audience: Half!
[gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit!

Little Eddie: [demonstrating] Then he kicked him in the ding-ding.

She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

[as Bill Cosby] Yoouuu cannot say filth flarn filth flarn filth in front of people!
And I said, "I never said no filth flarn filth! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm offended that you called! Fuck you!" And that's when Bill got raw on me!
[as Bill Cosby] That's what I'm talking about! Yoouuuuu cannot say... fuck!

[imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

[Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at] And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.

Russell Brand Quotes

"I couldn't possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!"

"Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox."

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you"

"Have you been out in society recently? 'Cause it's SHIT."

"Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage."

"To this day, I feel a fierce warmth for women that have the same disregard for the social conventions of sexual protocol as I do. I love it when I meet a woman and her sexuality is dancing across her face, so it's apparent that all we need to do is nod and find a cupboard."

"For me happiness occurs arbitrarily: a moment of eye contact on a bus, where all at once you fall in love; or a frozen second in a park where it's enough that there are trees in the world."

"All penguins are the same below the surface, which I think is as perfect an analogy as we're likely to get for the futility of racism"

"Life’s never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you’d want it to look."

"I hope it is not necessary for me to stress the platonic nature of our relationship- not platonic in the purest sense, there was no philosophical discourse, but we certainly didn't fuck, which is usually what people mean by platonic; which I bet would really piss Plato off, that for all his thinking and chatting his name has become an adjective for describing sexless trysts. "

"My dad's philosophy was (and I think still is) that life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, "Fucking hell. This one's serious. Let him through."

"Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies."

"From quite early on, I had this idea of compartmentalized identities - 'this is how you are when you are with your mum, and this is how you are when you are with your dad' - so it seemed like I could never absolutely be myself. And the image of myself as compromised and inconsistent made me want to withdraw from the world even further. I had a sense of formulating a paper-mache version of myself to send out in the world, while I sat controlling it remotely from some smug suburban barracks" 25."

"Say I feel all sad and self-indulgent, then get stung by a wasp, my misery feels quite abstract and I long just to be in spirtual pain once more - 'damn you tiny assain, clad in yellow and black, how i crave my former innocence where melancholy was my only trial'."

"I've always been a 'your parents have got to come up to the school' type of person. Even now, when I do something wrong - if I say something inappropriate on a live tv show, for example - I half expect to have to deliver a note to Barbara Brand: 'Please come up to Channel 4 head office, Russell's done something despicable."

"I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One". And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time."

"The light. The light is so bright that all that remains is you and the darkness. You can feel the audience breathing. It's like holding a gun or standing on a precipice and knowing you must jump. It feels slow and fast. It's like dying and being born and fucking and crying. It's like falling in love and being utterly alone with God; you taste your own mouth and feel your own skin and I knew I was alive and I knew who I was and that that wasn't who I'd been up till then. I'd been so far away but I knew I was home.(Pg. 89)"

"There was [really] little difference between someone acting throwing french fries in your face and someone throwing french fries in your face."

"Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory."

"I know that's the sort of thing people say and I really hate it when people say the sort of things people say. I always think, 'You don't mean that, you just think it sounds good'" 289."

"We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless."

"I want to change the word, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before Im dead, and then more afterwards."

"Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do."

"What I've learnt - to my cost - on several occasions in my life, is that people will put up with all manner of bad behaviour so long as you're giving them what they want. They'll laugh and get into it and enjoy the anecdotes and the craziness and the mayhem as long as you're going your job well, but the minute you're not, you're fucked. They'll wipe their hands of you without a second glance. - 195"

"... And drinking neat liquor from the bottle, with all my long hair and my shirt undone and my beads, not so much the lizard king, more a gecko duchess, I fitted in nicely with their idea of what a creative person should be."

"People don't realize that the future is just now, but later."

"Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws."

"I've never had a sustained period of medication for mental illness when I've not been on other drugs as well. It's just not something that I particularly feel I need. I know that I have dramatically changing moods, and I know sometimes I feel really depressed, but I think that's just life. I don't think of it as, "Ah, this is mental illness," more as, "Today, life makes me feel very sad." I know I also get unnaturally high levels of energy and quickness of thought, but I'm able to utilize that."

"If you strip away self-effacement, charm and the spirit of mischief-qualities that make determination and ambition tolerable- you're left with a right ar**hole."

"And while we're on the subject of ducks, which we plainly are, the story, 'The Ugly Duckling' ought to be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet."

"I get fixated when I'm bleeding- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When i cut myself, the drama of it calms me down."

"Life's never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you'd want it to look."

"From quite early on, I had this idea of compartmentalised identities - 'This is how you are with your mum, and this is how you are with your dad' - so it seemed like I could never absolutely be myself. And this image of myself as compromised and inconsistent made me want to withdraw form the world even further. I had a sense of formulating a papier-mache version of myself to send out in the world."

How the Catholic Church can improve its image.

So the Pope is coming to town this week. I personally am indifferent to the Pope and have contempt for religions of all kinds. Sarah Silverman an American comedian has come up with a great way for for the Vatican to improve it's image - hey if they did this I might almost believe... Actually I wouldn't, but I' probably stop moaning about them...

Christianity hats and other absurdities in religion!

George Carlin talks about angels

Jon Stewart interviews George Carlin

George Carlin It's Bad For Ya

A list of known Space Corp Directives from Red Dwarf.

003. 'By joining Star Corps each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty and adequate toilet facilities.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
005. 'Gross negligance, leading to the endangerment of personnel.'(although titled as an article) (Queeg)
112. 'that clearly states: a living crew member always out-ranks a mechanical'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD113 instead of SCD112, also mentioned in White Hole)
142. 'quite clearly states that in a hostage demand situation, a hologramatic personality is entirely expendable'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD192 instead of SCD142)
147. 'Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on permission of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.' ("Ouroboros", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
195. States that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crew-members might survive. ("White Hole")
312. States that crew members in quarantine must be provided with minimum leisure facilities, which Rimmer takes to mean: 'a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, Wall-Papering, Painting, And Stippling — A DIY Guide. ("Quarantine")
349. 'Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
497. 'When a crewmember has run out of credits, food may not be supplied until the balance is restored' (although titled as an article) (Queeg)
592. 'In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be given to whichever officer can programme a VCR.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII, Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
595. A quarantine regulation (probably something like "any member of the crew who has been in anywhere that carries disease must go into quarantine). ("Quarantine")
596. Crew files are for the eyes of the Captain only ("Back to Earth (Part Two)")
597. One berth per registered crew member. ("Quarantine")
699. States that crew members may demand a rescreening after five days in quarantine showing no ill effect. ("Quarantine")
723. 'Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book). In the United States, 'Swindon' is changed to 'Cleveland'. (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII).
997. 'Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1694. 'During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crew member whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1742. 'No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee.' ("Psirens", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1743. 'No registered vessel should attempt to traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.' ("Psirens")
5796. 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples.' ("Psirens")
5797. Has something to do with "not letting a crew-member aboard if he may, in fact, be a brain-sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper". ("Psirens")
7214. To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
7713. States that the log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
34124. 'No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.' ("Legion", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
43872. 'Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
68250. Is never quoted, but is known to be impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi, presumably the Jewish Ritual "Kapparot". ("Emohawk")
98247. 'No officer should be left behind on an inhabited planet unless he is missing two or more limbs.' (Advertising for the 2009 Red Dwarf special episodes. Message 2 [1])
196156. 'Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.' ("Rimmerworld", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1947945. 'A mechanoid may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a hitherto unperceived source and there is inadequate time to explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent death threat.' (quoted by Kryten in the original script for "Back to Reality")
572 436 8217968B. 'At all times show your allegiance to Red Dwarf in the US by picking up your phone and calling your local public television station with your pledge.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII; Kryten complains that Rimmer has just made it up)
39436175880932/B. 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.' (Although this is given the title ' The All-Nations Agreement') ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
39436175880932/C. 'POWs have a right to non-violent constraint.' ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
?. 'It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home.' (Not given a number on-screen.) ("Polymorph")

BILL HICKS on War & Freedom

George Carlin - We Like War

Monty Python Quotes

 THE HOLY GRAIL

Arthur approaches an isolated castle guarded by soldiers ( #1 & #2 ) .....

S #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?
A : We found them.
S #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
A : What do you mean?
S #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
A : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
S #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
A : Not at all. They could be carried.
S #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
A: It could grip it by the husk!
S #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
A: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
S #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
A: Please!
S #1: Am I right?
A: I'm not interested!
S #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
S #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
S #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
A: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
S #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
S #2: Oh, yeah...
S #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

#

Arthur questions 2 communist peasants ( Dennis & Woman )

ARTHUR: Well, I am king!
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting-- By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

Arthur tries to enter a castle guarded by French soldiers

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt!Thppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
FRENCH GUARD #1: I didn't know we were French?
FRENCH GUARD #2: Of course, we else do you think we are talking in this ridiculous accent?

Sir Galahad the Chaste reaches an isolated castle, populated by young women

ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!



The Dreaded Knights who say NI!!!!!

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM: Ni!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!

ARTHUR: We are looking for a shrubbery...
CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and Iwill say... we will say... 'ni'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR: Ni!
CRONE: [cough]
ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Erm, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Rogerthe Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.



HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said 'Ni'?

FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod!
TIM: What?
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
ARTHUR: Ohh.
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!
GALAHAD: Get stuffed!
TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate!
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy scots git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

[ Rabbit flies at Bors’s throat and savages him to death }
ROBIN: I done it again!
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: Do they listen to me?

#

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
ARTHUR: How does it, um-- how does it work?
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
MAYNARD: Amen.

BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?
ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [ explodes and dies ]
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite color?
GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- auuuuuuuugh! [ explodes and dies ]
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?
ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [ explodes and dies ]
BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.



FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

# THE LIFE OF BRIAN

EL : Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
B : Did you say -- ex-leper?
EL : That's right, sir. (he salutes) ... sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, thank you sir.
B : What happened?
EL : I was cured, sir.
B : Cured?
EL : Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.
B : Who cured you?
EL : Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.
M : You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?
EL : Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts mucking about.

###

REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the
Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah...
JUDITH: Splitters.
P.F.J.: Splitters...
FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
LORETTA: And the People's Front of Judea.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
REG: What?
LORETTA: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
REG: We're the People's Front of Judea!
LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
REG: People's Front! C-huh.
FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
REG: He's over there.
P.F.J.: Splitter!

#####

Reg is addressing a room of masked commando’s (MC) some are named eg S,X,F etc

R: We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
X : What exactly are the demands?
R : We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.
R: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
S : And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
R: Yes.
S: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
R: All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
X: The aqueduct?
R: What?
X: The aqueduct.
R: Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
MC: And the sanitation!
S: Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
R: All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans HAVE done ...
M: And the roads ...
R: (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
MC : Irrigation ...
O: Medicine ... Education ... Health
R: Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
MC : And the wine ...
ALL : Oh yes! True!
F: Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
MC: Public baths!
S : AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
F: Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ... (general nodding) ... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
(more general murmurs of agreement)
R: All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans ever done for US?
X: Brought peace!

#

BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN: What?
BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be
put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me
the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
BRIAN: All right. All right.
BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN: What will they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN: Crucifixion?!
BEN: Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: What?!
BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a
right bloody mess.
BRIAN: Guards!
BEN: Nail him up, I say!

# MONTY PYTHON SKETCHES

FOUR YORKSHIREMAN SKETCH
(Hawaiian music)
Man#1 (Michael Palin) Aye! Very fussable, eh? Very fussable bit, that? eh?
Man#2 (Graham Chapman): Grand meal, that was, eh?
Others: Yes, wonderful, yes very good..
Man#2: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau le Shlasseler, eh, Guissay?
Man#3 (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Robidaier.
Man#4 (Eric Idle): Who'd 'ave thought, thirty year ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Shlasseler, eh?
Man#1: Aye, in them days we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea!
Man#2: Aye, a cup of cold tea!
Man#4: Without milk or sugar!
Man#3: Or tea!
Man#1: Aye, in a cracked cup and all!
Man#4: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Man#2: Aye, the best we could manage in those days was to suck on a piece of damp cloth!
Man#3: Aye, but we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Man#1: Because we were poor! My old dad used to say to me: Money doesn't buy you happiness!
Man#4: Aye, he was right, I was happier then and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
Man#2: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We had to all live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and were all huddled together in a corner for fear of falling!
Man#3: You were lucky to have a room! We used to 'ave to live in a corridor!
Man#1: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to have to live in an old water tank in a rubbish pit. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House! Huh!
Man#4: Well, when I say house, it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!
Man#2: We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!
Man#3: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us, living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!
Man#1: Cardboard box?
Man#3: Aye!
Man#1: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down at the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.

(slight pause)
Man#2: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of damp gravel, work a twenty-hour day at the mill for tuppence a month, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
Man#3: Well, of course, we 'ad it tough! We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongue. We 'ad two bits of cold gravel, and worked a twenty-four hour day at the mill for six or seventy-four years, and when we got home, our dad would slash it to us with a bread knife.
Man#4: Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hourbefore I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja.
Man#1: Aye, and you try telling young people of today that. And they won't believe you.
Man#4: Aye, they won't!

# THE DEAD PARROT SKETCH

[Scene: pet shop. Mr. Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage. He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.]
Praline (John): Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean, miss?
Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's resting, look!
Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline: Resting?
Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful pumage, innit?
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no--it's just resting.
Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved.
Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper: I did not. Praline: Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage,shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot,wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned.
Praline: Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was dueto it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: It's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examimimg that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and VOOM!.
Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper: It's not, it's pining.
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture. Shopkeeper: I've got a slug. Praline: Does it talk?
Shopkeeper: Not really, no.
Praline: Well it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Praline: Bolton, eh.
Shopkeeper: Yeah.
Praline: All right.
[He leaves, holding the parrot. CAPTION: `A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS' Close-up uf sign on door reading: `Similar Pet Shops, Ltd.' Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.]
Praline: Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper: No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
Praline: (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)

# THE SPANISH INQUISITION

Peasant: "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."
Cardinal Ximinez: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

####

German: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland!

- Fawlty Towers, "The Germans"
They began to operate what they called "The Operation." They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so-called protection money. Four months later, they started another operation which they called "The Other Operation." In this racket, they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later, they hit upon "The Other Other Operation." In this, the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This, for the Piranha brothers, was the turning point.
- Monty Python
I was up at five, you know, we do have staff problems, I'm so sorry, it's all done by magic.
- Basil Fawlty
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am
- Unknown Sketch
Monty Python's usual schoolboy humour is here let loose on a period of history appropriately familiar to every schoolboy in the West, and a faith which could be shaken by such good-humoured ribaldry would be a very precarious faith indeed.
- The British Board Of Film Censors, In their report on Life of Brian
Reverend Belling (Graham Chapman): You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of treacle going "squawk, squawk, squawk..." And then you can go "Neurhhh! Neurhhh!" and then you can roll around on the floor going "pting pting pting"...
- Monty Python: "Show Twenty-One"
You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
- Accountant seeking more exotic job is interviewed by a careers advisor,
From "The Meaning of Life".

Red Dwarf Quotes

"Don't give me any of that 'Star Trek' crap. It's too early in the morning."
- Dave Lister

"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
- Rimmer

"All in all, 100% successful trip."
"But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer."
"All in all, 100% successful trip."
- Cat & Kryten

"Come on bud, you're not doing anything I wouldn't do!"
"What? You'd sacrifice your life for the sake of the crew?"
"No, I'd sacrifice your life for the sake of the crew."
- Cat & Rimmer

"I owe Mr.Lister everything sir, if it wasn't for him, I'd be normal."
- Kryten

"Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people."
- Kryten

THE END

"Love is what separates us from animals "
"No, Lister. What separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. "

- Lister & Rimmer
"Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."
- Rimmer and Lister
"The water is only 3 feet deep. They can wade. That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall."
"Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton. Baa, splash, baa, splash."
- Lister and Rimmer discuss Lister’s plan to put a farm on Fiji, which is now 3ft under water
"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
- Rimmer describes death to Lister
FUTURE ECHOES
BALANCE OF POWER

"My answer in answering the question: "What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?" Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"

- Rimmer has another bad exam
WAITING FOR GOD
I'm not a god, I was misquoted.

- Lister
"After intensive investigation (comma) of the markings on the alien pod (comma) it has become clear (comma) to me (comma) that we are dealing (comma) with a species of awesome intellect (colon)."
"Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation."
- Rimmer and Holly
CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA
"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."

- Holly
"Stranger things have happened."
"Only two come to mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."
- Lister & Rimmer
ME-2
"Busy, Dave?"
"Well, yeah. I am, actually."
"Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-light-speed fighters that are tracking us."
"What?!"
"I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate."
"No, Hol, come on, come on."
"They're from Earth."
"Three million years away?"
"They're from the NorWEB federation."
"What's that?"
"The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
"Me? Why? What for?"
"For your crimes against humanity."
"You what!"
"It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
"Did I?"
"You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
"Yeah. They go all mouldy."
"Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB."
"Why NorWEB? "
"You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds."
"A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're kidding!"
"April fool."
"But it's not April."
"Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt."

- Holly The Computer & Lister
"Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?"
"I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."
- Lister & Rimmer
KRYTEN
"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"

- Holly
BETTER THAN LIFE
So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd.

- A Newsreader reports on the phenomenal success of the BTL game
Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
- Lister
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
STASIS LEAK

It happens, you know, Rimmer. You meet people, then you move on, man. When I was ten, I had a friend called Duncan. Me best mate ever. He taught me everything. He was the one who showed me how to put mirrors on me toecaps so I could look up girl's skirts. Then his father had to move to Spain because of a job. It was a bank job he pulled in Purley. Never saw him again. I still think of him, though... every time I look at me shoes.

- Lister
Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
- Rimmer
Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie "Gone With the Wind". If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules.
- Video of Lift Hostess
QUEEG
Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?

- Rimmer
I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
- Lister
Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
- Holly
"Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. [goes to squish the pea; it snaps away] I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked."
"He's just doing this to destroy your morale."

"Is he? Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter what!

"It flew off into your dirty-sock basket."

"I'll just have the toast"

- Lister & Rimmer
"Lister? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?"
"I've been seeing her behind your back."
- Rimmer & Lister
PARALLEL UNIVERSE
BACKWARDS

"This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone....she'll never leave Fred and we know it. "

- Lister
MAROONED
R: "But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,a shambolic drunken set-to."
L: "...which you started. "
R: "I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it."
L: "...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four biggest mates. And then you do your roadrunner act and leave *ME* to face the music.
R: "Well, I could have got hurt!"
L: "You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?"

- Rimmer & Lister
POLYMORPH
As far as I can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run away. Who's for Two?

- Rimmer
You either got it or you ain't. Boys, you ain't even close.
- Cat
Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package : perhaps over tea and biscuits.
- Rimmer, after having all his anger removed
Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!
- Lister
I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or, my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." One drawback with that--the abbreviation is CLITORIS.

- Rimmer
"I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and nicked some gear."
"This is a scalpel! I'm supposed to cut *my* food with a scalpel? Something that has been inside someone's guts?

"It's all been cleaned; it's all been washed; it's clean."

"Something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? *I'm* supposed to eat with *this* ?"

- Lister & Cat, Polymorph
"So now Lister's got no sense of fear..."
"Precisely."
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, I say let's get out there and twat it!"
"Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to us."
"I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it : you saw it -- it took me by surprise."
"Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine."
"If it wants a barney, we'll give it one! One swift knee in the happy sacks; it'll drop like anyone else!"
"Fine, well, we'll bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy."
"I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it death with the tonsil end."
"Yes, yes, very good..."
- Rimmer & Lister discuss the situation
#
BODY SWAP

"I am really not sure about this. [as he pushes a trolley with Lister on it down a corridor]"
"Look, you're programmed to obey - get on with it."
"But surely we should ask him first?"
"I told you, he's agreed. He's perfectly happy about the situation."
"Well then why did you make me chloroform him and why did he struggle so?"
"Look, I'm in charge Kryten, I'll take full responsibility."
"Oh! But sir..."
"Science lab, pronto. And If he comes around give him another whack. "

- Kryten & Rimmer
TIME-SLIDES
"We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste Chip."

- Kryten
Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
- Kryten
"You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with . . . with . . . with what, I've got . . . it's you isn't it?"
- Rimmer
It's my duty, as a total and utter bastard
- Rimmer
Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!
- Rimmer
#
THE LAST DAY

"There's nothing wrong with boxing. It's one of the great working class escapes, is boxing. It's just sport, like any other. Two highly trained athletes at the peak of physical perfection, trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat. In fact, at its best, it's not a sport, it's an artform."
"Female topless boxing?"

- Lister & Kryten, The Last Day
"Just out of interest: Is Silicon Heaven the same place as human Heaven?"
"Human heaven? Goodness me, humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts!"
- Lister & Kryten
"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any more."
"I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
- Rimmer & Lister
If we're talking about famous firsts - my first French kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Sixteen. Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now — I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank! He'd got the wrong room - he thought I was my mum!
- Rimmer
"Why didn't you have a mum?"
"I was abandoned."
"Abandoned?"
"Six weeks old. A cardboad box underneath the pool table. I was just abandoned in this pub."
"How could anybody do that?"
"I don't know. I never found out."
"Well, I'd have thought it was obvious. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason. A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister."
"Hey, I'm baring my innermost here! What kind of remark is that?"
"How many toes have you got?"
- Rimmer taunts Lister
"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"
- Kryten, Rimmer & Lister
CAMILLE
"Oh, I think you're perfectly charming."
"(Astounded) Do you? Well, thank you. No-one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git." But never charming, no."

- Camille & Rimmer
"Hey. The prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, y'know? We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spiderman costume."
"And they say romance is dead. "
- Lister & Camille
It's the old, old story: Droid meets Droid, Droid becomes Chameleon, Droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon turns into Blob, Droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes off with Blob, and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times have we seen that story?
- Kryten
DNA
( Kryten has been changed from a mechanoid to a human, and is discussing it with Lister )
L: Any problems?
K: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
L: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
K: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
L: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
K: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion ?
L: No. We don't have them.
K: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work.
L: Er, in what way `don't work'?
K: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
L: Human nipples don't do that, Kryten.
K: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaptor. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling out.
L: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
K: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject – not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
L: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.
K: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
L: Yeah, of course we can.
K: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well?
L: `Well' what?
K: Well, what do you think?
L: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
K: I want to know: is that normal?
L: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
K: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
L: Well, yeah.
K: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks?
L: Well, yeah.
K: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed] and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened?
L: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
K: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
L: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
K: It *was* a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
L: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back.

#

I just don't trust that machine, man. Look, I know it's old- fashioned, but I'm from the school that believes, "If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control".

- Lister
"Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels. "
"I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat. It was unfurnished."
"So you went to a hotel and stole the bed? "
"I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels. "
- Lister
"The question is: Can we turn him back again?"
"The question is: Do we want to?"
- Cat & Rimmer, after Lister is turned into a chicken
JUSTICE
This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.

- Kryten
Convict: No weapons?
Lister: No weapons. [they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister: So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice.
Lister: (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that...
#

WHITE HOLE

"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "

- Kryten and Rimmer
"Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"
"How 'bout a muffin?"
"Or muffins! Or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, noteacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"
"Aah, so you're a waffle man!"
- Lister and Talkie Toaster
"He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "
- Kryten & Lister
"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
- Lister, Cat and Kryten
DIMENSION JUMP
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

- 'Ace' Rimmer
"Purple alert! Purple alert!"
"What's a purple alert?"
"Well, it's like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert."
- Lister and Holly
MELTDOWN
"Rimmer, what's going on out there? Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi? And what's he doing practising hand to hand combat with a nun? "
"That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa. She's a soldier now. "

- Lister & Rimmer
HOLOSHIP
"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"

- Cat & Kryten
"Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic house cat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest."

"Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks."

"Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. "

"Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram."

"Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his jacket) "

"Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightment, quickly, please. "



"They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!"
"Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!"

- Kryten & Cat
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon voyage.
- Lister
Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?…[pause]…apparently I am.
- Kryten
"Rimmer, you said that about King of Kings, the story of Jesus! "
"Well it's true! A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that, and doesn't go into show business! Do any of us believe that, even for a second? "
"He was supposed to be the son of god! "
"And when he was carrying that cross up the hill. Any normal realistic bloke would have mule kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, been over that green hill and far away before you could say 'Pontius Pilate'. "
- Lister & Rimmer
Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met.
- Rimmer’s farewell speech
INQUISITOR
"This is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless."
"We're in big trouble "

- Kryten & Rimmer
"Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be ... yourself."
"Oh SMEG."

- Inquisitor & Rimmer
R: Why did no-one mention this before? If I had been told about this at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All those charity telethons when I used ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I would have given them /my/ credit card number.
K: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life...
R: Oh god.
K: ...make a contribution...
R: Oh god.
K: ...no matter how small.
R: Oh god.
K: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self serving.
R: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
K: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
R: Well, shut up, then!
TERRORFORM

L: "I can't think straight. I've got a tarantula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me."
C: "I'm scared "
L: "YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel? "
C: "You haven't SEEN it! "
L: "The lower half of my body has gone numb."
C: "That's probably for the best. "

- Lister thinks a tarantula’s crawled up his trousers
"OK. I say get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman the hell out of here."
"An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: A) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and B) There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants."
"Well that's put a crimp an otherwise damn fine plan."
- Cat and Kryten
My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented, disoriented, disoriented.
- Kryten
There's an old android saying which I feel is particularly relevant to this situation. It goes: '00101010110100101101001111001010101001011011000101010' which, roughly translated, means 'Don't stand around jabbering when your life is in dang...hey, wait for me, you guys!
- Kryten
Oops. You're right. He really isn't dead. I owe you twenty.
- Cat
#
QUARANTINE

Kryten : "...do not blow you nose."
Lister : "Do you mind if I ask, Why?"
Kryten : "Well, lets forgoe the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get to the really gross part where always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps, the face of the Madonna, an undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?"
- Being in quarantine gets to the crew

L: No one's got any virus, and no one's smegging nuts!
R: Well that's good... Is something the amiss?
L: Amiss? God no, what could possibly be amiss?
R: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sat here wearing a red and white gingham dress, and army boots, you think that's un-amiss?
C: No, course not, it's just we thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you.
R: I was doing a little test, a little test to see if you had gone crazy. if there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
L: Well we've passed the test Rimmer, you can let us out.
R: I can't let you out.
L: Why not?
R: Because the King of the potato people won't let me. I've begged him, I've got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here, keep you here for 10 years.
C: Can we see him?
R: See who?
C: The King.
R: Do you have a magic carpet?
L: Yeah, a little 3 seater.
R: So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the potato people? And plead with him for your freedom? And you're telling me you're completely sane?
- An insane Rimmer quarantines the rest of the crew

"Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I am here to give your lives... meaning."
- Dr. Langstrom

"Why do we never meet anyone nice?"
"Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?"
- Lister & Cat

DEMONS & ANGELS

BACK TO REALITY

"Don't fish swim south for the winter?"
"No, that's birds, sir."
"Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?"

- Cat and Kryten,
"Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective." I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!"
"On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name."
- Kryten discusses his ‘real’ name with Rimmer
"I drink? and I smoke? and I have cold curried sauce for breakfast? I sound like some barely human grossed out slime ball. "
"Oh, it's all flooding back is it sir? "
"What, I play the Guitar? "
"Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube? Does my head look like a genetically engineered loo brush?"
"Is there something good you can tell me about myself? something laudable? "
"Laudable, em. You sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside-out and extending the wear time by three weeks.
"I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate space bum."
"Oh! Welcome back Mr Lister sir."
- Kryten fills in an amnesiac Lister
"Question which occurs, if this ocean is supposed to be teaming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
"What are you implying Kryten? "
"No implication intended sir. "
"Yes there is! You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there aren't you? Some kind of gigantic weird prehistoric Leviathon who's porked his way through this entire ocean! "
"That is one option."
"Any alternatives? "
"None that occur."
- Kryten & Lister
"These are our higher selves, they are the people we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed. "
"You mean hippies? "
"With respect sir, do you think Jesus was a hippy? "
"Well he was! He had long hair, he didn't have a job, what more do you want?"
- Kryten & Rimmer
PSIRENS
"What's that?"
"Human remains. Wait, angle up five degrees, across ten degrees. There, some kind of writing on the floor, P-S-I-R-E-N-S, Psirens. "
"The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines. "
"Who would do that? "
"Someone who badly needed a pen. "
"What I don't understand, is why he went to the trouble of using his Kidney as a full stop. "
"I don't think he meant to do that, it probably just plopped out."

- Lister, Kryten, Cat & Rimmer
"Say you're wrong?"
"Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it."
"Kryten, you haven't got a reputation."
"No, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"Any damage? "
"Not too bad, a couple of sensors are out, the fuel intake chambers are both flooded, and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore. "
"We came through that intact? "
"Starbug was made to last sir, this old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. "
"It's what it's made of. Back in the 22nd Century aerospace engineers discovered that after a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll, so they made Starbug out of the same stuff. "
"Is that a fact? "
"Cat, you're so gullible. "
"Thanks!"
- Cat, Kryten & Lister
"Stay back"
"How long has it been since you made love to a woman?"
"I admit it's been a while."
"It's been over three million years, Dave."
"I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it's just four. And if you count it in _leap_ Ice Ages, it's hardly even one."
"That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives."
"That's a long time for a Albanian shepherd who's allergic to wool."
- Lister & a stunning Psiren
"A couple of Psirens wiped each other out fighting over my brains ... Oh, no. It's the TV weather girl from channel 27."
"Sir. Fight it! Don't look at her."
"It's not that easy, Kryten -- you can't see what she's doing with her pointy stick."
- Lister & Kryten
(Rimmer and Kryten are holding Lister & a Psiren, who looks exactly like Lister…)
"Play the Guitar. "
"What here? inside? "
"Play it! "
(Psiren Lister plays the Guitar- Cat and Kryten shoot the Psiren Lister)
Real_Lister: "How did you know that wasn't me? "
Cat: "Cos that dude could play! "
Lister: "He's no better than me. "
Kryten: "That's the way you believe you can play sir. That's why, when the Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion, that you are not a ten-thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter. "
Lister: "You're seriously saying you think he was better than me?
( Real_Lister plays the Guitar) So, what's the difference? "
Cat: "Little survival tip bud, never play your Guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."
#

LEGION

"Ten o'clock change-over anything to report? "
"We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf sir, almost 24 hours behind now, other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow, thankfully it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen."

- Rimmer & Kryten
"How are we fuel wise? "
"Unchanged for today sir, however the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch Lager. "
"We're OK for food aren't we? "
"Confidentially sir no. We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worst still, the only liquorice all-sorts left are those only little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply. "
"So what's under the grill? "
"Space Weevil."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time- period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire."
"And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? (pause) S- sorry, run that by me one more time?"
- Legion welcomes Lister
When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accomodation - excellent. Food - first class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe.
- Lister
KRYTEN (Shifting his grip on the vase.) You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
RIMMER tenses up, closes his eyes and grits his teeth. KRYTEN pinches him on the shoulder... then smashes him over the head with the vase.
RIMMER: That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip! That's smashing me over the head with a vase!
KRYTEN: There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you!
#

GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

"It's too small for a vessel, maybe some kind of missile. "
"It's impossible to tell at this range, whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own. "
"So do the Albanian state washing machine company."

- Rimmer, Kryten & Lister
"Step up to red alert. "
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten
Open communications channels Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh.
- Rimmer
#
R: You took your time, where've you been?
L: I was in the AR Machine.
R: Again?
L: What do you mean, again?
R: Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
L: That is not true!
R: Yes true, it's pathetic watching you grind away day after day, like a dog who's missing his master's leg. That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime guarantee, you've worn it out in nearly 3 weeks.
L: That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of liable. I don't just play the role playing games! What about the sporting simulations, like zero gee Kick Boxing, and Wimbledon.
R: You only play Wimbledon, 'cos you're having it off with that jail bait ball girl.
L: There's another total lie! She's not jail bait, she's sixteen!
R: Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels!
L: Yeah, what pixels!

#

"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons. We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense."

- Rimmer & Cat
#
EMOHAWK

"Would it harm you to have hair like mine?"
"I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head."
"Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest hair cut. "
"Oh, surely not sir. "
"Think about it, why did the US Cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides verses girlie Hippy locks. "
"The Cavaliers and the Roundheads? One-nil to the Pudding basins "
"Vietnam, crew cuts both sides, no score draw."
(Shakes head despairingly.) "Oh, for a really world class psychiatrist."

- Rimmer discusses his view of history with Kryten
K: It's charging us with looting Space Corp derelicts.
L: But we don't loot Space Corp derelicts? We just hack our way in, and swipe what we need!
R: Lister, if this goes to trial I demand separate lawyers.
"Recommendations? "
"I suggest I take the rap for everyone sir, you can say that I held you hostage, and forced you at gun point to do my evil bidding. "
"For god sake Kryten, we can't let you do that! "
"Really? "
"Dream on metal trash. Get your hands in the air, and step into that search light."

- Rimmer & Kryten
It's taken my bitterness, and the cat's cool. He's in a hell of a shape, he's looking so geeky, I don't think he can even get into a Science Fiction convention and Mr. Rimmer is...well... likeable.
- The Emohawk sucks away the crew’s dominant emotion
Sir, this can't go on. The Cat's looking geekier than a science fiction convention,
- Kryten
"That's it. I'm invoking space corps directive 6_8_2_5_0."
" 6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi."
"Forget it. Forget I was ever born."
"But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"Kryten, the Eastbourne zimmer-frame relay team can easily outrun us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning."
"Hmm, I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, sir."
- Lister & Kryten, Emohawk
"Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxygeneration unit he want *you* to be his daughter's mate."
"*That's* his daughter?"
"One of three. Apparently sir *she's* the looker."
"Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy."
"Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse."
"Only due to very poor disco lighting."
- Rimmer & Lister
#
RIMMERWORLD

"There's an old Cat saying: ‘ If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.’ "
"There's an old human saying: ‘ If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.’ "

- Cat & Rimmer
"Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell?"
- Rimmer & Kryten
UNKNOWN
"The Greeks have been camped outside of Troy, kapowin', zappin' and kersplattin' the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah. Then they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift, this tribute to their valiant foes, a huge wooden horse.
Just large enough to happily contain five hundred Greeks in full battle dress, and still have adequate room for toilet facilities! Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, 'Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny pressie. What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave? No, they don't, they just wheel it in, and all decide to go for an early night. People that stupid deserve to be kapowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!
And do you know what the funny thing is? From this particular phase in history derived the phrase - Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. When it'd be much more logical to derive the phrase - Beware of Trojans, they're complete SMEGHEADS! "

- Lister discusses one of the famous moments of literature...
R: That's it, I'm invoking Space Corp Directive 39436175880932/B.
K: 39436175880932/B. All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space. Is that entirely relevant sir. I mean here we are, in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
R: Can't you let just one go, I was talking about the right of P-O-W's to non-violent constraint.
K: But that's 75880932/C, sir.