Showing posts with label BBC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BBC. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 09, 2010
A list of known Space Corp Directives from Red Dwarf.
003. 'By joining Star Corps each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty and adequate toilet facilities.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
005. 'Gross negligance, leading to the endangerment of personnel.'(although titled as an article) (Queeg)
112. 'that clearly states: a living crew member always out-ranks a mechanical'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD113 instead of SCD112, also mentioned in White Hole)
142. 'quite clearly states that in a hostage demand situation, a hologramatic personality is entirely expendable'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD192 instead of SCD142)
147. 'Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on permission of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.' ("Ouroboros", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
195. States that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crew-members might survive. ("White Hole")
312. States that crew members in quarantine must be provided with minimum leisure facilities, which Rimmer takes to mean: 'a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, Wall-Papering, Painting, And Stippling — A DIY Guide. ("Quarantine")
349. 'Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
497. 'When a crewmember has run out of credits, food may not be supplied until the balance is restored' (although titled as an article) (Queeg)
592. 'In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be given to whichever officer can programme a VCR.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII, Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
595. A quarantine regulation (probably something like "any member of the crew who has been in anywhere that carries disease must go into quarantine). ("Quarantine")
596. Crew files are for the eyes of the Captain only ("Back to Earth (Part Two)")
597. One berth per registered crew member. ("Quarantine")
699. States that crew members may demand a rescreening after five days in quarantine showing no ill effect. ("Quarantine")
723. 'Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book). In the United States, 'Swindon' is changed to 'Cleveland'. (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII).
997. 'Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1694. 'During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crew member whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1742. 'No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee.' ("Psirens", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1743. 'No registered vessel should attempt to traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.' ("Psirens")
5796. 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples.' ("Psirens")
5797. Has something to do with "not letting a crew-member aboard if he may, in fact, be a brain-sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper". ("Psirens")
7214. To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
7713. States that the log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
34124. 'No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.' ("Legion", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
43872. 'Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
68250. Is never quoted, but is known to be impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi, presumably the Jewish Ritual "Kapparot". ("Emohawk")
98247. 'No officer should be left behind on an inhabited planet unless he is missing two or more limbs.' (Advertising for the 2009 Red Dwarf special episodes. Message 2 [1])
196156. 'Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.' ("Rimmerworld", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1947945. 'A mechanoid may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a hitherto unperceived source and there is inadequate time to explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent death threat.' (quoted by Kryten in the original script for "Back to Reality")
572 436 8217968B. 'At all times show your allegiance to Red Dwarf in the US by picking up your phone and calling your local public television station with your pledge.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII; Kryten complains that Rimmer has just made it up)
39436175880932/B. 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.' (Although this is given the title ' The All-Nations Agreement') ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
39436175880932/C. 'POWs have a right to non-violent constraint.' ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
?. 'It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home.' (Not given a number on-screen.) ("Polymorph")
005. 'Gross negligance, leading to the endangerment of personnel.'(although titled as an article) (Queeg)
112. 'that clearly states: a living crew member always out-ranks a mechanical'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD113 instead of SCD112, also mentioned in White Hole)
142. 'quite clearly states that in a hostage demand situation, a hologramatic personality is entirely expendable'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD192 instead of SCD142)
147. 'Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on permission of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.' ("Ouroboros", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
195. States that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crew-members might survive. ("White Hole")
312. States that crew members in quarantine must be provided with minimum leisure facilities, which Rimmer takes to mean: 'a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, Wall-Papering, Painting, And Stippling — A DIY Guide. ("Quarantine")
349. 'Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
497. 'When a crewmember has run out of credits, food may not be supplied until the balance is restored' (although titled as an article) (Queeg)
592. 'In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be given to whichever officer can programme a VCR.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII, Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
595. A quarantine regulation (probably something like "any member of the crew who has been in anywhere that carries disease must go into quarantine). ("Quarantine")
596. Crew files are for the eyes of the Captain only ("Back to Earth (Part Two)")
597. One berth per registered crew member. ("Quarantine")
699. States that crew members may demand a rescreening after five days in quarantine showing no ill effect. ("Quarantine")
723. 'Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book). In the United States, 'Swindon' is changed to 'Cleveland'. (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII).
997. 'Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1694. 'During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crew member whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1742. 'No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee.' ("Psirens", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1743. 'No registered vessel should attempt to traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.' ("Psirens")
5796. 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples.' ("Psirens")
5797. Has something to do with "not letting a crew-member aboard if he may, in fact, be a brain-sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper". ("Psirens")
7214. To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
7713. States that the log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
34124. 'No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.' ("Legion", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
43872. 'Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
68250. Is never quoted, but is known to be impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi, presumably the Jewish Ritual "Kapparot". ("Emohawk")
98247. 'No officer should be left behind on an inhabited planet unless he is missing two or more limbs.' (Advertising for the 2009 Red Dwarf special episodes. Message 2 [1])
196156. 'Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.' ("Rimmerworld", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1947945. 'A mechanoid may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a hitherto unperceived source and there is inadequate time to explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent death threat.' (quoted by Kryten in the original script for "Back to Reality")
572 436 8217968B. 'At all times show your allegiance to Red Dwarf in the US by picking up your phone and calling your local public television station with your pledge.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII; Kryten complains that Rimmer has just made it up)
39436175880932/B. 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.' (Although this is given the title ' The All-Nations Agreement') ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
39436175880932/C. 'POWs have a right to non-violent constraint.' ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
?. 'It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home.' (Not given a number on-screen.) ("Polymorph")
Monday, September 06, 2010
Monty Python Quotes
Arthur approaches an isolated castle guarded by soldiers ( #1 & #2 ) .....
S #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?
A : We found them.
S #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
A : What do you mean?
S #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
A : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
S #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
A : Not at all. They could be carried.
S #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
A: It could grip it by the husk!
S #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
A: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
S #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
A: Please!
S #1: Am I right?
A: I'm not interested!
S #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
S #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
S #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
A: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
S #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
S #2: Oh, yeah...
S #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
#
Arthur questions 2 communist peasants ( Dennis & Woman )
ARTHUR: Well, I am king!
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting-- By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
Arthur tries to enter a castle guarded by French soldiers
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt!Thppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
FRENCH GUARD #1: I didn't know we were French?
FRENCH GUARD #2: Of course, we else do you think we are talking in this ridiculous accent?
Sir Galahad the Chaste reaches an isolated castle, populated by young women
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
The Dreaded Knights who say NI!!!!!
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM: Ni!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!
ARTHUR: We are looking for a shrubbery...
CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and Iwill say... we will say... 'ni'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR: Ni!
CRONE: [cough]
ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Erm, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Rogerthe Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said 'Ni'?
FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod!
TIM: What?
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
ARTHUR: Ohh.
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!
GALAHAD: Get stuffed!
TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate!
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy scots git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
[ Rabbit flies at Bors’s throat and savages him to death }
ROBIN: I done it again!
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: Do they listen to me?
#
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
ARTHUR: How does it, um-- how does it work?
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
MAYNARD: Amen.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?
ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [ explodes and dies ]
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite color?
GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- auuuuuuuugh! [ explodes and dies ]
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?
ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [ explodes and dies ]
BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
# THE LIFE OF BRIAN
EL : Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
B : Did you say -- ex-leper?
EL : That's right, sir. (he salutes) ... sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, thank you sir.
B : What happened?
EL : I was cured, sir.
B : Cured?
EL : Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.
B : Who cured you?
EL : Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.
M : You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?
EL : Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts mucking about.
###
REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the
Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah...
JUDITH: Splitters.
P.F.J.: Splitters...
FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
LORETTA: And the People's Front of Judea.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
REG: What?
LORETTA: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
REG: We're the People's Front of Judea!
LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
REG: People's Front! C-huh.
FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
REG: He's over there.
P.F.J.: Splitter!
#####
Reg is addressing a room of masked commando’s (MC) some are named eg S,X,F etc
R: We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
X : What exactly are the demands?
R : We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.
R: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
S : And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
R: Yes.
S: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
R: All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
X: The aqueduct?
R: What?
X: The aqueduct.
R: Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
MC: And the sanitation!
S: Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
R: All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans HAVE done ...
M: And the roads ...
R: (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ...
MC : Irrigation ...
O: Medicine ... Education ... Health
R: Yes ... all right, fair enough ...
MC : And the wine ...
ALL : Oh yes! True!
F: Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
MC: Public baths!
S : AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
F: Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ... (general nodding) ... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.
(more general murmurs of agreement)
R: All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans ever done for US?
X: Brought peace!
#
BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN: What?
BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be
put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me
the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
BRIAN: All right. All right.
BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN: What will they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN: Crucifixion?!
BEN: Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: What?!
BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a
right bloody mess.
BRIAN: Guards!
BEN: Nail him up, I say!
# MONTY PYTHON SKETCHES
FOUR YORKSHIREMAN SKETCH
(Hawaiian music)
Man#1 (Michael Palin) Aye! Very fussable, eh? Very fussable bit, that? eh?
Man#2 (Graham Chapman): Grand meal, that was, eh?
Others: Yes, wonderful, yes very good..
Man#2: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau le Shlasseler, eh, Guissay?
Man#3 (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Robidaier.
Man#4 (Eric Idle): Who'd 'ave thought, thirty year ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Shlasseler, eh?
Man#1: Aye, in them days we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea!
Man#2: Aye, a cup of cold tea!
Man#4: Without milk or sugar!
Man#3: Or tea!
Man#1: Aye, in a cracked cup and all!
Man#4: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Man#2: Aye, the best we could manage in those days was to suck on a piece of damp cloth!
Man#3: Aye, but we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Man#1: Because we were poor! My old dad used to say to me: Money doesn't buy you happiness!
Man#4: Aye, he was right, I was happier then and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
Man#2: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We had to all live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and were all huddled together in a corner for fear of falling!
Man#3: You were lucky to have a room! We used to 'ave to live in a corridor!
Man#1: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to have to live in an old water tank in a rubbish pit. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House! Huh!
Man#4: Well, when I say house, it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!
Man#2: We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!
Man#3: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us, living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!
Man#1: Cardboard box?
Man#3: Aye!
Man#1: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down at the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.
(slight pause)
Man#2: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of damp gravel, work a twenty-hour day at the mill for tuppence a month, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
Man#3: Well, of course, we 'ad it tough! We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongue. We 'ad two bits of cold gravel, and worked a twenty-four hour day at the mill for six or seventy-four years, and when we got home, our dad would slash it to us with a bread knife.
Man#4: Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hourbefore I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja.
Man#1: Aye, and you try telling young people of today that. And they won't believe you.
Man#4: Aye, they won't!
# THE DEAD PARROT SKETCH
[Scene: pet shop. Mr. Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage. He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.]
Praline (John): Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael): What do you mean, miss?
Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's resting, look!
Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline: Resting?
Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful pumage, innit?
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no--it's just resting.
Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved.
Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper: I did not. Praline: Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage,shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot,wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned.
Praline: Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was dueto it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: It's probably pining for the fjords.
Praline: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examimimg that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and VOOM!.
Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper: It's not, it's pining.
Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture. Shopkeeper: I've got a slug. Praline: Does it talk?
Shopkeeper: Not really, no.
Praline: Well it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Praline: Bolton, eh.
Shopkeeper: Yeah.
Praline: All right.
[He leaves, holding the parrot. CAPTION: `A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS' Close-up uf sign on door reading: `Similar Pet Shops, Ltd.' Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.]
Praline: Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper: No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
Praline: (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)
# THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Peasant: "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."
Cardinal Ximinez: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."
####
German: Will you stop talking about the war!
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland!
- Fawlty Towers, "The Germans"
They began to operate what they called "The Operation." They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so-called protection money. Four months later, they started another operation which they called "The Other Operation." In this racket, they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later, they hit upon "The Other Other Operation." In this, the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This, for the Piranha brothers, was the turning point.
- Monty Python
I was up at five, you know, we do have staff problems, I'm so sorry, it's all done by magic.
- Basil Fawlty
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am
- Unknown Sketch
Monty Python's usual schoolboy humour is here let loose on a period of history appropriately familiar to every schoolboy in the West, and a faith which could be shaken by such good-humoured ribaldry would be a very precarious faith indeed.
- The British Board Of Film Censors, In their report on Life of Brian
Reverend Belling (Graham Chapman): You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of treacle going "squawk, squawk, squawk..." And then you can go "Neurhhh! Neurhhh!" and then you can roll around on the floor going "pting pting pting"...
- Monty Python: "Show Twenty-One"
You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
- Accountant seeking more exotic job is interviewed by a careers advisor,
From "The Meaning of Life".
Red Dwarf Quotes
- Dave Lister
"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
- Rimmer
"All in all, 100% successful trip."
"But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer."
"All in all, 100% successful trip."
- Cat & Kryten
"Come on bud, you're not doing anything I wouldn't do!"
"What? You'd sacrifice your life for the sake of the crew?"
"No, I'd sacrifice your life for the sake of the crew."
- Cat & Rimmer
"I owe Mr.Lister everything sir, if it wasn't for him, I'd be normal."
- Kryten
"Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people."
- Kryten
THE END
"Love is what separates us from animals "
"No, Lister. What separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. "
- Lister & Rimmer
"Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."
- Rimmer and Lister
"The water is only 3 feet deep. They can wade. That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall."
"Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton. Baa, splash, baa, splash."
- Lister and Rimmer discuss Lister’s plan to put a farm on Fiji, which is now 3ft under water
"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
- Rimmer describes death to Lister
FUTURE ECHOES
BALANCE OF POWER
"My answer in answering the question: "What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?" Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"
- Rimmer has another bad exam
WAITING FOR GOD
I'm not a god, I was misquoted.
- Lister
"After intensive investigation (comma) of the markings on the alien pod (comma) it has become clear (comma) to me (comma) that we are dealing (comma) with a species of awesome intellect (colon)."
"Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation."
- Rimmer and Holly
CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA
"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."
- Holly
"Stranger things have happened."
"Only two come to mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."
- Lister & Rimmer
ME-2
"Busy, Dave?"
"Well, yeah. I am, actually."
"Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-light-speed fighters that are tracking us."
"What?!"
"I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate."
"No, Hol, come on, come on."
"They're from Earth."
"Three million years away?"
"They're from the NorWEB federation."
"What's that?"
"The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
"Me? Why? What for?"
"For your crimes against humanity."
"You what!"
"It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
"Did I?"
"You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
"Yeah. They go all mouldy."
"Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB."
"Why NorWEB? "
"You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds."
"A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're kidding!"
"April fool."
"But it's not April."
"Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt."
- Holly The Computer & Lister
"Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?"
"I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."
- Lister & Rimmer
KRYTEN
"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
- Holly
BETTER THAN LIFE
So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd.
- A Newsreader reports on the phenomenal success of the BTL game
Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
- Lister
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
STASIS LEAK
It happens, you know, Rimmer. You meet people, then you move on, man. When I was ten, I had a friend called Duncan. Me best mate ever. He taught me everything. He was the one who showed me how to put mirrors on me toecaps so I could look up girl's skirts. Then his father had to move to Spain because of a job. It was a bank job he pulled in Purley. Never saw him again. I still think of him, though... every time I look at me shoes.
- Lister
Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
- Rimmer
Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie "Gone With the Wind". If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules.
- Video of Lift Hostess
QUEEG
Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?
- Rimmer
I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
- Lister
Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
- Holly
"Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. [goes to squish the pea; it snaps away] I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked."
"He's just doing this to destroy your morale."
"Is he? Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter what!
"It flew off into your dirty-sock basket."
"I'll just have the toast"
- Lister & Rimmer
"Lister? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?"
"I've been seeing her behind your back."
- Rimmer & Lister
PARALLEL UNIVERSE
BACKWARDS
"This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone....she'll never leave Fred and we know it. "
- Lister
MAROONED
R: "But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,a shambolic drunken set-to."
L: "...which you started. "
R: "I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it."
L: "...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four biggest mates. And then you do your roadrunner act and leave *ME* to face the music.
R: "Well, I could have got hurt!"
L: "You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?"
- Rimmer & Lister
POLYMORPH
As far as I can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run away. Who's for Two?
- Rimmer
You either got it or you ain't. Boys, you ain't even close.
- Cat
Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package : perhaps over tea and biscuits.
- Rimmer, after having all his anger removed
Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!
- Lister
I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or, my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." One drawback with that--the abbreviation is CLITORIS.
- Rimmer
"I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and nicked some gear."
"This is a scalpel! I'm supposed to cut *my* food with a scalpel? Something that has been inside someone's guts?
"It's all been cleaned; it's all been washed; it's clean."
"Something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? *I'm* supposed to eat with *this* ?"
- Lister & Cat, Polymorph
"So now Lister's got no sense of fear..."
"Precisely."
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, I say let's get out there and twat it!"
"Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to us."
"I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it : you saw it -- it took me by surprise."
"Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine."
"If it wants a barney, we'll give it one! One swift knee in the happy sacks; it'll drop like anyone else!"
"Fine, well, we'll bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy."
"I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it death with the tonsil end."
"Yes, yes, very good..."
- Rimmer & Lister discuss the situation
#
BODY SWAP
"I am really not sure about this. [as he pushes a trolley with Lister on it down a corridor]"
"Look, you're programmed to obey - get on with it."
"But surely we should ask him first?"
"I told you, he's agreed. He's perfectly happy about the situation."
"Well then why did you make me chloroform him and why did he struggle so?"
"Look, I'm in charge Kryten, I'll take full responsibility."
"Oh! But sir..."
"Science lab, pronto. And If he comes around give him another whack. "
- Kryten & Rimmer
TIME-SLIDES
"We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste Chip."
- Kryten
Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
- Kryten
"You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with . . . with . . . with what, I've got . . . it's you isn't it?"
- Rimmer
It's my duty, as a total and utter bastard
- Rimmer
Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!
- Rimmer
#
THE LAST DAY
"There's nothing wrong with boxing. It's one of the great working class escapes, is boxing. It's just sport, like any other. Two highly trained athletes at the peak of physical perfection, trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat. In fact, at its best, it's not a sport, it's an artform."
"Female topless boxing?"
- Lister & Kryten, The Last Day
"Just out of interest: Is Silicon Heaven the same place as human Heaven?"
"Human heaven? Goodness me, humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts!"
- Lister & Kryten
"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any more."
"I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
- Rimmer & Lister
If we're talking about famous firsts - my first French kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Sixteen. Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now — I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank! He'd got the wrong room - he thought I was my mum!
- Rimmer
"Why didn't you have a mum?"
"I was abandoned."
"Abandoned?"
"Six weeks old. A cardboad box underneath the pool table. I was just abandoned in this pub."
"How could anybody do that?"
"I don't know. I never found out."
"Well, I'd have thought it was obvious. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason. A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister."
"Hey, I'm baring my innermost here! What kind of remark is that?"
"How many toes have you got?"
- Rimmer taunts Lister
"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"
- Kryten, Rimmer & Lister
CAMILLE
"Oh, I think you're perfectly charming."
"(Astounded) Do you? Well, thank you. No-one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git." But never charming, no."
- Camille & Rimmer
"Hey. The prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, y'know? We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spiderman costume."
"And they say romance is dead. "
- Lister & Camille
It's the old, old story: Droid meets Droid, Droid becomes Chameleon, Droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon turns into Blob, Droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes off with Blob, and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times have we seen that story?
- Kryten
DNA
( Kryten has been changed from a mechanoid to a human, and is discussing it with Lister )
L: Any problems?
K: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
L: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
K: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
L: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
K: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion ?
L: No. We don't have them.
K: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work.
L: Er, in what way `don't work'?
K: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
L: Human nipples don't do that, Kryten.
K: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaptor. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling out.
L: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
K: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject – not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
L: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.
K: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
L: Yeah, of course we can.
K: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well?
L: `Well' what?
K: Well, what do you think?
L: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
K: I want to know: is that normal?
L: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
K: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
L: Well, yeah.
K: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks?
L: Well, yeah.
K: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed] and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened?
L: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
K: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
L: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
K: It *was* a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
L: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back.
#
I just don't trust that machine, man. Look, I know it's old- fashioned, but I'm from the school that believes, "If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control".
- Lister
"Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels. "
"I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat. It was unfurnished."
"So you went to a hotel and stole the bed? "
"I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels. "
- Lister
"The question is: Can we turn him back again?"
"The question is: Do we want to?"
- Cat & Rimmer, after Lister is turned into a chicken
JUSTICE
This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.
- Kryten
Convict: No weapons?
Lister: No weapons. [they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister: So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice.
Lister: (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that...
#
WHITE HOLE
"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "
- Kryten and Rimmer
"Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"
"How 'bout a muffin?"
"Or muffins! Or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, noteacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"
"Aah, so you're a waffle man!"
- Lister and Talkie Toaster
"He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "
- Kryten & Lister
"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
- Lister, Cat and Kryten
DIMENSION JUMP
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."
- 'Ace' Rimmer
"Purple alert! Purple alert!"
"What's a purple alert?"
"Well, it's like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert."
- Lister and Holly
MELTDOWN
"Rimmer, what's going on out there? Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi? And what's he doing practising hand to hand combat with a nun? "
"That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa. She's a soldier now. "
- Lister & Rimmer
HOLOSHIP
"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"
- Cat & Kryten
"Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic house cat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest."
"Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. "
"Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his jacket) "
"Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightment, quickly, please. "
"They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!"
"Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
- Kryten & Cat
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon voyage.
- Lister
Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?…[pause]…apparently I am.
- Kryten
"Rimmer, you said that about King of Kings, the story of Jesus! "
"Well it's true! A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that, and doesn't go into show business! Do any of us believe that, even for a second? "
"He was supposed to be the son of god! "
"And when he was carrying that cross up the hill. Any normal realistic bloke would have mule kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, been over that green hill and far away before you could say 'Pontius Pilate'. "
- Lister & Rimmer
Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met.
- Rimmer’s farewell speech
INQUISITOR
"This is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless."
"We're in big trouble "
- Kryten & Rimmer
"Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be ... yourself."
"Oh SMEG."
- Inquisitor & Rimmer
R: Why did no-one mention this before? If I had been told about this at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All those charity telethons when I used ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I would have given them /my/ credit card number.
K: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life...
R: Oh god.
K: ...make a contribution...
R: Oh god.
K: ...no matter how small.
R: Oh god.
K: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self serving.
R: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
K: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
R: Well, shut up, then!
TERRORFORM
L: "I can't think straight. I've got a tarantula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me."
C: "I'm scared "
L: "YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel? "
C: "You haven't SEEN it! "
L: "The lower half of my body has gone numb."
C: "That's probably for the best. "
- Lister thinks a tarantula’s crawled up his trousers
"OK. I say get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman the hell out of here."
"An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: A) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and B) There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants."
"Well that's put a crimp an otherwise damn fine plan."
- Cat and Kryten
My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented, disoriented, disoriented.
- Kryten
There's an old android saying which I feel is particularly relevant to this situation. It goes: '00101010110100101101001111001010101001011011000101010' which, roughly translated, means 'Don't stand around jabbering when your life is in dang...hey, wait for me, you guys!
- Kryten
Oops. You're right. He really isn't dead. I owe you twenty.
- Cat
#
QUARANTINE
Kryten : "...do not blow you nose."
Lister : "Do you mind if I ask, Why?"
Kryten : "Well, lets forgoe the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get to the really gross part where always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps, the face of the Madonna, an undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?"
- Being in quarantine gets to the crew
L: No one's got any virus, and no one's smegging nuts!
R: Well that's good... Is something the amiss?
L: Amiss? God no, what could possibly be amiss?
R: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sat here wearing a red and white gingham dress, and army boots, you think that's un-amiss?
C: No, course not, it's just we thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you.
R: I was doing a little test, a little test to see if you had gone crazy. if there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
L: Well we've passed the test Rimmer, you can let us out.
R: I can't let you out.
L: Why not?
R: Because the King of the potato people won't let me. I've begged him, I've got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here, keep you here for 10 years.
C: Can we see him?
R: See who?
C: The King.
R: Do you have a magic carpet?
L: Yeah, a little 3 seater.
R: So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the potato people? And plead with him for your freedom? And you're telling me you're completely sane?
- An insane Rimmer quarantines the rest of the crew
"Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I am here to give your lives... meaning."
- Dr. Langstrom
"Why do we never meet anyone nice?"
"Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?"
- Lister & Cat
DEMONS & ANGELS
BACK TO REALITY
"Don't fish swim south for the winter?"
"No, that's birds, sir."
"Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?"
- Cat and Kryten,
"Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective." I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!"
"On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name."
- Kryten discusses his ‘real’ name with Rimmer
"I drink? and I smoke? and I have cold curried sauce for breakfast? I sound like some barely human grossed out slime ball. "
"Oh, it's all flooding back is it sir? "
"What, I play the Guitar? "
"Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube? Does my head look like a genetically engineered loo brush?"
"Is there something good you can tell me about myself? something laudable? "
"Laudable, em. You sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside-out and extending the wear time by three weeks.
"I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate space bum."
"Oh! Welcome back Mr Lister sir."
- Kryten fills in an amnesiac Lister
"Question which occurs, if this ocean is supposed to be teaming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
"What are you implying Kryten? "
"No implication intended sir. "
"Yes there is! You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there aren't you? Some kind of gigantic weird prehistoric Leviathon who's porked his way through this entire ocean! "
"That is one option."
"Any alternatives? "
"None that occur."
- Kryten & Lister
"These are our higher selves, they are the people we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed. "
"You mean hippies? "
"With respect sir, do you think Jesus was a hippy? "
"Well he was! He had long hair, he didn't have a job, what more do you want?"
- Kryten & Rimmer
PSIRENS
"What's that?"
"Human remains. Wait, angle up five degrees, across ten degrees. There, some kind of writing on the floor, P-S-I-R-E-N-S, Psirens. "
"The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines. "
"Who would do that? "
"Someone who badly needed a pen. "
"What I don't understand, is why he went to the trouble of using his Kidney as a full stop. "
"I don't think he meant to do that, it probably just plopped out."
- Lister, Kryten, Cat & Rimmer
"Say you're wrong?"
"Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it."
"Kryten, you haven't got a reputation."
"No, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"Any damage? "
"Not too bad, a couple of sensors are out, the fuel intake chambers are both flooded, and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore. "
"We came through that intact? "
"Starbug was made to last sir, this old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. "
"It's what it's made of. Back in the 22nd Century aerospace engineers discovered that after a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll, so they made Starbug out of the same stuff. "
"Is that a fact? "
"Cat, you're so gullible. "
"Thanks!"
- Cat, Kryten & Lister
"Stay back"
"How long has it been since you made love to a woman?"
"I admit it's been a while."
"It's been over three million years, Dave."
"I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it's just four. And if you count it in _leap_ Ice Ages, it's hardly even one."
"That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives."
"That's a long time for a Albanian shepherd who's allergic to wool."
- Lister & a stunning Psiren
"A couple of Psirens wiped each other out fighting over my brains ... Oh, no. It's the TV weather girl from channel 27."
"Sir. Fight it! Don't look at her."
"It's not that easy, Kryten -- you can't see what she's doing with her pointy stick."
- Lister & Kryten
(Rimmer and Kryten are holding Lister & a Psiren, who looks exactly like Lister…)
"Play the Guitar. "
"What here? inside? "
"Play it! "
(Psiren Lister plays the Guitar- Cat and Kryten shoot the Psiren Lister)
Real_Lister: "How did you know that wasn't me? "
Cat: "Cos that dude could play! "
Lister: "He's no better than me. "
Kryten: "That's the way you believe you can play sir. That's why, when the Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion, that you are not a ten-thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter. "
Lister: "You're seriously saying you think he was better than me?
( Real_Lister plays the Guitar) So, what's the difference? "
Cat: "Little survival tip bud, never play your Guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."
#
LEGION
"Ten o'clock change-over anything to report? "
"We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf sir, almost 24 hours behind now, other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow, thankfully it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"How are we fuel wise? "
"Unchanged for today sir, however the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch Lager. "
"We're OK for food aren't we? "
"Confidentially sir no. We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worst still, the only liquorice all-sorts left are those only little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply. "
"So what's under the grill? "
"Space Weevil."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time- period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire."
"And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? (pause) S- sorry, run that by me one more time?"
- Legion welcomes Lister
When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accomodation - excellent. Food - first class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe.
- Lister
KRYTEN (Shifting his grip on the vase.) You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
RIMMER tenses up, closes his eyes and grits his teeth. KRYTEN pinches him on the shoulder... then smashes him over the head with the vase.
RIMMER: That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip! That's smashing me over the head with a vase!
KRYTEN: There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you!
#
GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
"It's too small for a vessel, maybe some kind of missile. "
"It's impossible to tell at this range, whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own. "
"So do the Albanian state washing machine company."
- Rimmer, Kryten & Lister
"Step up to red alert. "
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten
Open communications channels Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh.
- Rimmer
#
R: You took your time, where've you been?
L: I was in the AR Machine.
R: Again?
L: What do you mean, again?
R: Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
L: That is not true!
R: Yes true, it's pathetic watching you grind away day after day, like a dog who's missing his master's leg. That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime guarantee, you've worn it out in nearly 3 weeks.
L: That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of liable. I don't just play the role playing games! What about the sporting simulations, like zero gee Kick Boxing, and Wimbledon.
R: You only play Wimbledon, 'cos you're having it off with that jail bait ball girl.
L: There's another total lie! She's not jail bait, she's sixteen!
R: Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels!
L: Yeah, what pixels!
#
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons. We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense."
- Rimmer & Cat
#
EMOHAWK
"Would it harm you to have hair like mine?"
"I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head."
"Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest hair cut. "
"Oh, surely not sir. "
"Think about it, why did the US Cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides verses girlie Hippy locks. "
"The Cavaliers and the Roundheads? One-nil to the Pudding basins "
"Vietnam, crew cuts both sides, no score draw."
(Shakes head despairingly.) "Oh, for a really world class psychiatrist."
- Rimmer discusses his view of history with Kryten
K: It's charging us with looting Space Corp derelicts.
L: But we don't loot Space Corp derelicts? We just hack our way in, and swipe what we need!
R: Lister, if this goes to trial I demand separate lawyers.
"Recommendations? "
"I suggest I take the rap for everyone sir, you can say that I held you hostage, and forced you at gun point to do my evil bidding. "
"For god sake Kryten, we can't let you do that! "
"Really? "
"Dream on metal trash. Get your hands in the air, and step into that search light."
- Rimmer & Kryten
It's taken my bitterness, and the cat's cool. He's in a hell of a shape, he's looking so geeky, I don't think he can even get into a Science Fiction convention and Mr. Rimmer is...well... likeable.
- The Emohawk sucks away the crew’s dominant emotion
Sir, this can't go on. The Cat's looking geekier than a science fiction convention,
- Kryten
"That's it. I'm invoking space corps directive 6_8_2_5_0."
" 6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi."
"Forget it. Forget I was ever born."
"But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"Kryten, the Eastbourne zimmer-frame relay team can easily outrun us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning."
"Hmm, I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, sir."
- Lister & Kryten, Emohawk
"Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxygeneration unit he want *you* to be his daughter's mate."
"*That's* his daughter?"
"One of three. Apparently sir *she's* the looker."
"Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy."
"Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse."
"Only due to very poor disco lighting."
- Rimmer & Lister
#
RIMMERWORLD
"There's an old Cat saying: ‘ If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.’ "
"There's an old human saying: ‘ If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.’ "
- Cat & Rimmer
"Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell?"
- Rimmer & Kryten
UNKNOWN
"The Greeks have been camped outside of Troy, kapowin', zappin' and kersplattin' the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah. Then they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift, this tribute to their valiant foes, a huge wooden horse.
Just large enough to happily contain five hundred Greeks in full battle dress, and still have adequate room for toilet facilities! Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, 'Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny pressie. What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave? No, they don't, they just wheel it in, and all decide to go for an early night. People that stupid deserve to be kapowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!
And do you know what the funny thing is? From this particular phase in history derived the phrase - Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. When it'd be much more logical to derive the phrase - Beware of Trojans, they're complete SMEGHEADS! "
- Lister discusses one of the famous moments of literature...
R: That's it, I'm invoking Space Corp Directive 39436175880932/B.
K: 39436175880932/B. All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space. Is that entirely relevant sir. I mean here we are, in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
R: Can't you let just one go, I was talking about the right of P-O-W's to non-violent constraint.
K: But that's 75880932/C, sir.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
The Young Ones Quotes
Neil: Oh, upstairs. Just follow your nose.
From: Bomb
Rick: I notice you haven't written the call down in the book, Mike. That's very interesting, isn't it? I mean, we've got this book here to write down all the calls we make in. I suppose you forgot, did you? Well, I wonder how many other times you conveniently forgot?
Mike: Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone.
From: Bomb
Fisher: Next Tuesday, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Rick: Yeah, right on. Bloody zoos, who needs them?
From: Interesting
Neil: It was getting really hot. Then I thought oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.
Vyvyan: Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
Neil: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a really selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there - you could have given me away!
From: Flood
Neil: Come on guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us down. After all, what's so wrong with dirty clothes anyway?
Rick: Yeah! you know, what they say - dirty pants, clean botty.
Mike: Dirty duvet, dirty mind.
Vyvyan: Yeah - my knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together.
From: Bambi
Vyvyan: Could I borrow a cup of sugar please?
Neighbour: Another one? How many's that you've had? You'll rot your teeth you know.
Vyvyan: Yeah, I was a bit worried about that, so I had all mine kicked out before I came round. These are Neil's.
From: Cash
Woman: Do you dig graves?
Neil: Yeah, yeah, they're all right, yeah.
From: Nasty
Vyvyan: Now, where was I?
Mike: You were over there by the front door.
Vyvyan: No, before that Michael! Oh God - I gotta stop sniffing this Ajax.
From: Nasty
Vyvyan: No, I just don't understand - how? Was she unconscious?
Rick: What Vyvyan - do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous! I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
From: Time
Vyvyan: I must be hallucinating. What's a good thing for a hangover?
Mike: Drinking heavily the night before.
From: Time
Mike: What's two foot long with a big round head?
Helen: Don't know.
Mike: No, nor do I, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes...
From: Time
Neil: Oh yeah, that's a good idea isn't it? Yeah - let's all bring Neil down. That'll relieve the boredom.
Vyvyan: Will it? OK - er, shut up Neil you ugly poo-faced git!
From: Summer Holiday
Mike: Neil, it is very rare you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep coming in here, carrying a cake, and saying surprise?
Neil: It's my birthday.
Mike: Now you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
From: Summer Holiday
Blackadder quotes
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Born to Be King
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
Prince Harry: McAngus, this is the man who'll be providing tomorrow's entertainments! [gestures to Edmund]
Dougal McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! Delighted to meet you; there's a groat for the troubles!
Edmund: [in a high pitched voice] I am not a eunuch!
Dougal McAngus: You sound like one to me!
Edmund: [normal voice] I am not a eunuch, I am the Duke of Edinburgh!
Dougal McAngus: [sarcastically] Oh you are, are you!? [turns to Queen Gertrude] Same old story, eh!? Duke of Edinburgh's about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits! [realises] Och, nae offence, your Majesty.
The Archbishop
Harry: Yes, that's right. A tragic accident.
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
King Richard IV: [to Edmund] You, as compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Harry: Oh, father, you flatter me!
Edmund: And me, also!
The Queen of Spain's Beard
King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that's the fellow.
King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [holds up an urn]
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples!
Don Speekeenglish: [translating for the Infanta of Spain] You are the light of my life. I wish to enfold you in my broad thighs.
Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Witchsmeller: [talking about ordeal by axe] The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck — so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.
Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens anymore!
Edmund: Percy...
Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.
The Black Seal
Friar Bellows: Perhaps a motto for our enterprise? "Blessed are the meek..."
[The rest grumble in disagreement.]
Friar Bellows: "... for they shall be slaughtered!"
[The rest cheer and rush for the door.]
Edmund: But the plan! You've forgotten the plan!
Sir Wilfred Death: I thought that was the plan!
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards now!
Edmund: He murdered his whole family!
Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.
Blackadder II
Bells
Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons —
Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?
Percy: Yes, that's her.
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?
Percy: I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me!
Blackadder: Well go to Spain. There are millions of them.
Blackadder: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be!
Blackadder: "Yes, it is," not "That it be". And you don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
Blackadder: Yes. The Wise Woman.
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First... she is a woman! And second... she is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: 'Course.
Blackadder: Where?
Young Crone: 'Ere. Do you have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Oh... you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies... [she tries to grab it] which I'm not going to give to you. [walks in]
Wise Woman: Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black!
Blackadder: Hello.
Wise Woman: Step no further, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plotest, Blackadder! Thou would be king, and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: No, it's much worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant!
Wise Woman: [nonchalent] Well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.
Blackadder: What!?
Wise Woman: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first, being so old and warty.
Blackadder: But what of my position, my livelihood!?
Wise Woman: Very well, then there are three solutions, three cures for thy ailment. The first is simple: Kill
Bob!
Blackadder: Never!
Wise Woman: Then try the second: kill yourself!
Blackadder: And the third?
Wise Woman: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
Blackadder: Ah, that sounds more like it! How?
Wise Woman: KILL EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD! [cackles madly. Edmund looks at her in disdain]
Dr Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to find he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth than a weasel!
Head
Blackadder: To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Blackadder: [seeing Percy's abnormally wide new neckruff] You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually. And as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Percy: May I come too, my lord?
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we're friends. Better stay here; bird-neck [Percy's new look] and bird-brain [Baldrick] should get along like a house on fire!
Melchett: I have taken the liberty to make a list of suitable candidates. [unrolls a scroll] Lord Blackadder. [pauses and rolls the scroll back up]
Blackadder: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptible! Worth a try!
Potato
Blackadder: To you, it's a potato, to me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's fine estates, luxury carriages and as many girls as his tongue can handle! He's making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them... they'll be eating them next!
Melchett: Started talking to yourself, Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here!
Melchett: [giving a scroll to Blackadder] Farewell, Blackadder! The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you! [Blackadder unrolls the scroll] It's a... map of the area you'll be traversing. [Blackadder inspects the apparently blank scroll] They'd be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye!
Captain Rum: Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway!
Blackadder: Good Lord! What were you going to do!?
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyone's dizzy and then head for home!
[After they inform Nursie her beloved Captain Rum is dead]
Percy: Don't despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
Blackadder: And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes!
Nursie: [tearfully] You mean they put him in the pot?!
Blackadder: Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course!
[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine]
Blackadder: There was one thing, ma'am - a fine WINE from the far east. A most delicious beverage.
Queenie: Have a taste, boys; tell us what you think.
Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.
Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.
Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustible supply of the stuff.
Money
Blackadder: God, well you're a one, aren't you!? When you should whispering sweet conversational nothings like, 'Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets,' you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering.
Molly: He treated me like a human being!
Blackadder: Look, if I wanted a lecture of the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Bishop of Bath and Wells: He said I AM THE BABY-EATING BISHOP OF BATH AND WELLS!
Blackadder: Good Lord!
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You haven't any children, Blackadder?
Blackadder: No, I'm not married.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get down to business!
Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic herd!
Blackadder: Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm going to sell the house.
Baldrick and Percy: [shocked] What!?
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.
Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?
Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: [having been blackmailed by Blackadder] You fiend! Never, in all my years, have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church!?
Beer
Blackadder: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: Yes, I've heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
Percy: Tush, my lord!
Blackadder: And don't say 'Tush', either! It's only a short step from 'Tush' to 'Hey nonny nonny!' and then, I'm afraid, I shall have to call the police.
Melchett: I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarassment of the visit of the King of Austria, when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the gardens of Hampton Court, singing "I'm Merlin, the Happy Pig!"
[Queen Elizabeth has a lot of good ideas.]
Nursie: That was another good idea! You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen Elizabeth: Does that happen, when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.
Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick.
[There is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give... phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said "Get the door."
Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis! Now get out!
[Blackadder is trying to get out of the party]
Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder: [angrily] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
Queenie: [coyly] Oh Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face!
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] I wish to quickly send off some party invitations. And to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood. Your blood, to be precise.
Baldrick: So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, my lord?
Blackadder: Oh, nothing much, just a small puddle.
Baldrick: Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm or a leg, for instance?
Blackadder: Oh, good lord, no. A little prick should do.
Baldrick: Very well, my lord. I am your bondsman, and must obey. (sticks a knife down his trousers and begins sawing)
Blackadder: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! I meant a little prick on your finger!
Baldrick: I haven't got one there!
Blackadder: If you'd like to help yourself to a legacy- I mean a chair!
Lady Whiteadder: Chair!? You have chairs in your house!?
Blackadder: Oh yes.
Lady Whiteadder: [slaps him twice] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
Blackadder: And yourself?
Lady Whiteadder: I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagence! I will suffer comfort this once; we shall jsut have to stick forks in our legs between courses!
[Edmund walks in with a pair of false breasts on. Percy makes coughing noises to try and alert him to this fact]
Blackadder: Sorry, he's sick. Leprosy...of the brain.
Lady Whiteadder: What he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!
[Blackadder looks down, notices the breasts and places them around his head]
Blackadder: Oh my god, my ear muffs have fallen down! Would you like a pair, it's getting rather cold?
Lady Whiteadder: No, thank you! Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!
Queenie: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach...of a concrete elephant!
Partridge: Prove it!
Queenie: Certainly will! [picks up a tankard] First I'm going to have a little drinky...and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you!
Blackadder: [drunk and singing] "See the little goblin, see his little feet, and his little nosy-wose, isn't the goblin sweet?"
Lady Whiteadder: [drunk] Luck! Wahey! Get it?!
All: Uh, no.
Lady Whiteadder: Oh come on! LUCK! Sounds almost exactly like f-!
[The episode ends]
Chains
Melchett: As private parts to the gods are we: they play with us for their sport!
Blackadder: Were you ever bullied at school?
Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?
Blackadder: I mean, all this ranting and raving about power. There must be some reason for it.
Prince Ludwig: Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year--
Prince Ludwig: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again!
Blackadder: Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation!
Blackadder the Third
Dish and Dishonesty
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"...Baldrick. First name?
Baldrick: Er... I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea.
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod-Off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I was little and I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick." And they'd say "Yes we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, "Mr S. Baldrick." Now then, "Distinguishing features".... None.
Baldrick: Hold on. I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now, "Any history of insanity in the family?"... Tell you what. I'll cross out the "in." "Any history of sanity in the family?" ... None whatsoever. Now, "Criminal record?"
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! Look, I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy".
[Prince George believes William Pitt the Younger to be a schoolboy]
Blackadder: Mr. Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.
George: [in disbelief] Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here?
Pitt: I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain.
George: ... Eh?
Blackadder: Um, excuse me, Prime Minister, but we do have some lovely jelly in the pantry. I don't know if you'd be interested at all?
Pitt: Don't patronise me, you lower-middle class yobbo! [quietly] What flavour is it?
Blackadder: Blackcurrant.
Pitt: EURGH!
The Prince Regent: [about Pitt the Younger] I say Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me! I remember when I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, tell them to bend over and use them for a toast-rack!
[Listing reasons why they will win a forthcoming by-election]
Blackadder: Firstly, we shall fight this campaign on issues, not personalities. Secondly, we shall be the only fresh thing on the menu. And thirdly, of course, we'll cheat!
Vincent Hanna: And now for the result of our exclusive exit poll, which produced a 100% result for... "Mind your own business, you nosy bastard."
Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start!
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, and I've just broken a priceless turnip. [there is a loud banging at the door] And now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant! All I can say, Baldrick, is this: it's the last time I dabble in politics!
Ink and Incapability
Blackadder: I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?
Prince George: Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Blackadder: Oh. An absurd suggestion, sir.
Prince George: You're right, it is absurd.
Blackadder: Unless this was a particularly stupid donkey.
Blackadder: [about the dictionary] It's the most pointless book since "How to Learn French"... was translated into French.
Blackadder: We are going to go to Mrs. Miggins', we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary, and then you are going to steal it.
Baldrick: Me?
Blackadder: Yes, you.
Baldrick: Why me?
Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick!
Baldrick: But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil... if we cannot replace this dictionary.
Shelley: Oh lovelorn ecstasy that is Mrs Miggins, wilt thou bring me one cup of the browned juices of that naughty bean we call coffee, ere I die?
Mrs Miggins: [giggles] Oh, you've a way with words about you, Mr Shelley.
Byron: To hell with his fine talking; COFFEE, WOMAN! [coughes] My consumption grows ever more acute and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off!
Byron: Be quiet, sir! Can't you see we're dying!?
Mrs Miggins: Don't mind my poets, Mr B.; they're not dead, they're just being intellectual.
Blackadder: Mrs Miggins, there is nothing intellectual about wandering ound Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid!
Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.
Baldrick: What, like Gerald, Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.
Blackadder: Baldrick, fetch my novel.
Baldrick: Novel?
Blackadder: Yes, the big papery thing tied up with string.
Baldrick: What, like the thing we burnt?
Blackadder: Exactly like the thing we burnt.
Baldrick: So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string, exactly like the thing we burnt.
Blackadder: Exactly.
Baldrick: We burnt it!
Blackadder: So we did. Thank you, Baldrick; seven years of my life up in smoke. Your Highness, I wonder if I might have a moment.
Prince George: By all means. [Blackadder leaves the room]
Blackadder: [from outside, horrified] OH GOD, NO! [re-enters the room, calmly] Thank you sir.
Dr Johnson: Burnt, you say? That's most unfortunate. A burnt novel is like a burnt dog...
Blackadder: OH SHUT UP!
Blackadder: I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years.
Prince George: Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
Nob and Nobility
Blackadder: Morning, Mrs Miggins.
Mrs Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur.
Blackadder: [disgusted] What?
Mrs Miggins: Bonjour, monsieur. It's French.
Blackadder: So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us!
Mrs Miggins: But French is all the fashion! My coffe shop is full of Frenchies, and it's all because of that wonderful Scarlet Pimpernel!
Blackadder: The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful, Mrs Miggins. There is no reason whatsoever to admire someone for filling London with a bunch of garlic-chewing French toffs, crying "Oh-la-la" and looking for sympathy all the time just cos their fathers had their heads cut off! I'll have a cup of coffee, and some shepherd's pie.
Mrs Miggins: Oh, we don't serve pies anymore! My French clientele consider pies uncouth!
Blackadder: I hardly think a nation who eats snails and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu is in any position to preach couthness!
Blackadder: [about the Scarlet Pimpernel] What has this fellow done!? Apart from pop over to France to rescue a few aristocratic toffs from the ineffectual clutches of some malnourished, whinging lefties, taking the oppurtunity while there, no doubt, to pick up some really cheap wine and some of their marvellous fruit flans! Has everyone forgotten; we hate the French! We fight wars with them! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?
Blackadder: Ah, his Royal Highness, the Pinhead of Wales, summons. And you know, I almost feel well disposed towards him today. Utter chump though he may be, at least he's not French!
Blackadder: The Ancient Greeks wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it "Pandora's Box", when, of course, they meant "Baldrick's Trousers".
Baldrick: It certainly can get a bit whiffy, there's no doubt about that!
Blackadder: We are told that, when the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness and misfortune because of Pandora's fatal curiosity. [to Baldrick] I charge you now, Baldrick: for the good of all mankind, never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein!
Blackadder: [about to head to France to rescue an aristocrat] If I don't make it back, please write to my mother and tell her I've been alive all the time, I just can't be bothered to get in touch with the old bat!
Blackadder: All we need to do is lie low here for a week, go to Mrs Miggins, pick up any French toff, drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball and collect our one thousand guineas!
Baldrick: But what if the Prince finds us here?
Blackadder: He couldn't find his flybutton, let alone the kitchen door!
[There is a loud banging from upstairs]
Baldrick: What do you think that was?
Blackadder: Well, if I was feeling malicious, I would say it was the Prince, still trying to put his trousers on after a week!
Blackadder: How would you like to earn some money?
Comte de Frou-Frou: I would not like to earn it. I would like other people to earn it and give it to me. Just like in France in the good old days!
Blackadder: Yes, but this is a chance to return to the good old days!
Comte de Frou-Frou: Oh how I would love that. I hate this life; the food is filthy! This huge sausage [points to his dinner] is very suspicious. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a—
Blackadder: Yes, yes, all right.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing.
Blackadder: Yup. It's another world-beater!
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?
Baldrick: Exactly! You know how when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round and round the farmyard and then out the gate?
Blackadder: [haltingly] Yyyyyyyeah...?
Baldrick: Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run round and round, out the gate, and escape! What do you think?
Blackadder: My opinions are rather difficult to express in words, Baldrick. So perhaps I can put it this way... [tweaks Baldrick's nose]
Sense and Senility
Blackadder: Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone!
Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?...And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth.
[Everytime the word "Macbeth" is used]
Keanrick and Mossop: [making strange movements] AARGH! Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends [they pinch each-other's noses] AAAH!
[George is standing with his legs wide apart]
Keanrick: Your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness!"
Blackadder: Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them."
[Prince George has been insulting Blackadder throughout the episode]
Blackadder: All I'm saying is, he'd better watch out! (holds up a milk-jug) One more foot wrong from him, and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk-jug!
Baldrick: But that milk-jug isn't broken.
Blackadder: You really do walk into these things, don't you? (smashes the jug on Baldrick's head)
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship...
Baldrick: Thank you, sir.
Blackadder: But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore content myself with saying simply "Sod off" and if I ever meet you again, it will be 20 billion years too soon! [he leaves]
Baldrick: Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard! [Blackadder re-enters the room]
Blackadder: I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet a single groat that you could last five minutes without me!
Baldrick: Oh, come on Mr B.! It's not like we're gonna be murdered the second you leave, is it?
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick!
Amy and Amiability
Blackadder: Oh God! Bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies! And what have I got to show for it? Nothing but a butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo! Honestly, Baldrick, I sometimes feel like a pelican: whichever way I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me!
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to solve your money worries.
Blackadder: Yes, let us not forget that you solved the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head!
Baldrick: But this is a really good one; you become a dashing highwayman! Then you can pay your bills and ontop of that, everyone'll want to sleep with you!
Blackadder: Baldrick, I could become a prostitute and pay my bills, and everyone would want to sleep with me, but I do consider certain professions beneath me!
[Trying to find a bride for the Prince]
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 — they're out; 47 are under 10 — they're out; and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal!
Blackadder: They would be. If they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.
Blackadder: Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: Because she's met him.
Baldrick: Which leaves...?
Blackadder: Caroline of Brunswick as the only available princess in Europe.
Baldrick: And what's wrong with her? [Blackadder stands up]
Blackadder: [shouting very loud and very fast]] GET MORE COFFEE! IT'S HORRID, CHANGE IT! TAKE ME ROUGHLY FROM BEHIND! NO, NOT LIKE THAT, LIKE THIS! TROUSER OFF, TACKLE OUT! WALK THE DOG! WHERE'S MY PRESENT!?
Baldrick: [utterly confused] ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Which one'd you want me to do first!?
Blackadder: No, that's what Caroline's like! She's famous for having the worst personality in Germany...and as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition!
Blackadder: I can see where your daughter gets her ready wit, sir.
Hardwood: I thank you.
Blackadder: Although where she gets her good looks and charm is perhaps more of a mystery.
Hardwood: No one ever made money out of good looks and charm!
Blackadder: You obviously haven't met Lady Hamilton, sir.
Blackadder: CRISIS, BALDRICK, CRISIS! NO MONEY, NO MARRIAGE, MORE BILLS! For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Saddle Prince George's horse!
Baldrick: Oh sir, you're not becoming a highwayman?
Blackadder: [sarcastically] No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the Bat in Sheridan's new comedy!
Blackadder: Just saddle the Prince's horse!
Baldrick: That'll be difficult; he wrapped her round that gas lamp in the Strand last night!
Blackadder: Well saddle my horse, then!
Baldrick: What'd you think you've been eating for the past two months!?
Blackadder: Well go out into the street and hire me a horse!
Baldrick: Hire a horse!? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain!? A bare fortnight after the dreaded Horse Plague of Old London Town!? With the blacksmith's strike in its fifth week and the Dorset Horse Fetishists Fair tomorrow!? [pause, then Blackadder hurls a saddle and bridle at Baldrick]
Blackadder: Well get this on, then. It looks as though you could use the exercise!
George: [talking about his love for Amy] Oh Amy, bless all ten of your tiny pinkies. [picks up his paper] Now, let's see what's in the paper... OH MY GOD! SHE'S BEEN ARRESTED AND HANGED!
Blackadder: [knowingly] Oh really?
George: It turns out she was a highwayman.
Blackadder: [tuts] These modern girls.
George: Apparently, someone tipped off the authorities and collected the £10,000 reward. What a greasy sneak! If only I could get my hands on him.
Blackadder: [tuts again] You can't trust anyone, these days, sir.
George: It says here that she had an accomplice... [Blackadder drops his tray in fright] ... But they don't know who it was. [The tray flies back Blackadder's hands]
Duel and Duality
Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
Blackadder: Quite.
[George wants Blackadder to fight the Duke of Wellington in his place; he has offered him money and jewelry, illegal French lithographs and an amusing clock]
Blackadder: A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child... But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn! You're on!
Blackadder Goes Forth
Plan A: Captain Cook
Melchett: Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
Blackadder: Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?
Captain Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information!
Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time and the seventeen times before that.
Melchett: Exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.
Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.
Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshal Haig is worried this may be depressing the men a tad. So he's looking for a way to cheer them up.
Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide seems the obvious choice.
Melchett: Hmm, interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.
Blackadder: Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?
George: Oh, you're taking up sculpture now, sir?
Blackadder: No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
George: What are you going to put on it?
Blackadder: "Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed!"
Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case: the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand. 13 witnesses had seen him stab the victim. And when the police arrived, he said "I'm glad I killed the bastard." Massingbird not only got him off; he got him knighted in the New Year's Honours List. And the relatives of the victim had to pay to wash the blood out of his jacket!
Perkins: Yeah, he's a dab hand at the prosecution as well, sir.
Blackadder: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
Perkins: Oh yes, butch ol' Oscar.
Blackadder: Big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar — the terror of the ladies. 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the best-selling pamphlet "Why I Like To Do It With Girls." And Massingbird had him sent down for being a woopsie.
George: I'm a complete duffer at this sort of thing. In the School Debating Society, I was voted Boy-Least-Likely-to-Complete-a-Coherent... erm...
Blackadder: Sentence?
George: Yeah.
Blackadder: Come on George, with fifty thousand men getting killed a week, who's gonna miss a pigeon!? [he shoots the pigeon]
Melchett: Speckly!? AH! YOU SHOT MY SPECKLED JIM!
Darling: You're for it now, Blackadder! Quite frankly sir,I've suspected this for some time; clearly Captain Blackadder has been ignoring orders with a breathtaking impertinence!
Melchett: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S BEEN ROGERING THE DUKE OF YORK WITH A PRIZE-WINNING LEEK!
Plan C: Major Star
George: You a bit cheesed off, sir?
Blackadder: George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars. And at this late stage, I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to The Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
[Blackadder has just sent Baldrick to clean out the latrines, and when he returns, a massive cheer is heard outside']
Baldrick: Sir, it's all over the trenches!
Blackadder: Well, mop it up then!
Blackadder: Yes, in one short evening, I've become the most successful impresario since the manager of the Roman Colosseum thought of putting the Christians and the lions on the same bill.
[Blackadder is meeting "Bob" Parkhurst, who he realises is actually a woman disguised as a man]
Blackadder: So you're a chap, are you, Bob?
Bob: Oh yes, sir. [bursts out laughing and growls like a tiger]
Blackadder: You wouldn't say that you were a girl at all?
Bob: [nervously] Oh, definitely not sir! I understand cricket, I fart in bed, everything.
Blackadder: Let me put it another way, Bob. You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a "Polar bears only" golf club.
Bob: [Horrified] Oh sir, oh sir, please don't give me away, sir. I just wanted to be like my brothers and join up. I want to see how a war is fought... So badly!
Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Bob: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir!
Blackadder: Oh, really..?
Bob: [pleading] I'll do anything, sir!
Blackadder: Yes, I'd keep that to yourself if I was you.
Blackadder: Bob, take a telegram. "To Mr. C. Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Signed E. Blackadder stop". Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop.
Darling: We received a telegram from Mr Chaplin himself at Sennet Studios: "Twice nightly filming of my films in trenches: excellent idea stop. But must insist that E. Blackadder be projectionist stop. P.S. Don't let him ever... stop".
Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder: Hello? I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Royal Flying Corps. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingbird-Massingbird VC, DFC and bar. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?"
Baldrick: Here I am, sir.
Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick, take cover!
Baldrick: Why, sir?
Blackadder: Because there's an air raid going on! And I don't want to have to write to your mother at London Zoo and tell her that her only human child is dead!
George: Crikey, but what a show it was, sir! Lord Flasheart's Flying Aces! How we cheered when they spun, how we shouted when they dived! How we applauded when one chap got sliced in half by his own propeller! Well, it's all part of the joke for those magnificent men in their flying machines!
[A plane is heard plummeting and crashing outside]
Blackadder: For "magnificent men", read "Biggest Showoffs Since Lady Godiva Entered the Royal Enclosure at Ascot Claiming She Had Literally Nothing to Wear". I don't care how many times they go "up-diddly-up-up", they're still gits!
Baldrick: Oh, come on, sir! I'd love to be a flier. Up there where the air is clear...
Blackadder: The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick, are zero!
Flashheart: The first thing to remember is always treat your kite [Whacks diagram with his pointer.] like you treat your woman [Whips the air. hard.]
George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!
Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the vote.
Flashheart: Hey, any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote!
Blackadder: For two years, the Western Front's been about as likely to move as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel, then last night the Germans advance a mile and we land on the wrong side!
Baldrick: I want my mum!
Blackadder: Yes, it'll be good to see her. I imagine a maternally outraged gorilla could be a useful ally when it comes to the final scrap!
Baron von Richthofen: How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item...for you, the basis of an entire culture!
Blackadder: Flashheart, this is Captain Darling.
Flashheart: "Captain Darling"?! Funny name for a guy, isn't it? [jumps off table and faces Darling] Last person I called "Darling" was pregnant 20 seconds later! Hear you couldn't be bothered to help old Slackie here.
Darling: [stuttering nervously] Oh, well, it... It wasn't quite like that, sir. It's just that we... weighed up the pros and cons and... decided it wasn't a reasonable use of our time and resources. [laughs nervously]
Flashheart: Well, this isn't a reasonable use of my time and resources, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
Darling: What?
Flashheart: This! [headbutts Darling hard, knocking him unconscious]
Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder: I spy, with my bored little eye... something beginning with "T."
Baldrick: Breakfast!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers.
Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T," I was talking about a letter.
Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter; the postman don't come 'til 10:30!
Blackadder: Oh, I can't go on like this. George, take over.
George: All right, sir. Um... I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "R."
Baldrick: Army!
Blackadder: FOR GOD'S SAKE, BALDRICK! "Army" starts with an "A"! He's talking about something with an "R"! [trills the R]
Baldrick: Motorbike!
Blackadder: WHAT?!
Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a Rrrrr!
Blackadder: Right! My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends with "OW"?
Baldrick: I dunno.
Blackadder: Come here. [punches Baldrick in the face]
Baldrick: OW!
George: Let's try another one. I hear, with my little ear...something beginning with "B".
Blackadder: What!?
George: Bomb.
Blackadder: [surprised]] I can't hear a bomb.
George: Listen carefully. [the faint whistle of an incoming bomb is heard]
Blackadder: Oh yes...! [there is an almighty explosion as the bomb hits]
George: [reading in his letter] "After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous. He joked and joked. "You lucky, lucky, lucky bastard!" He cried. Then he lay on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench and shouted "Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about me?""
Blackadder: Right pork-face, where's the grub!?
George: Sorry!?
Blackadder: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Westminster Abbey!
George: [outraged] My family is not inbred!
Blackadder: Come on, somewhere outside Saffron Walden, there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with an Adam's apple that looks like he's trying to swallow a ballcock!
George: I have not got any uncles like that! And anyway, he lives in Waldon-on-the-Naze!
Darling: Don't be ridiculous, Blackadder. You can't suspect me. I've only just arrived.
Blackadder: One of the first rules of counter-espionage, Darling, is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I will be asking myself some very probing questions later on. Now, tell me, what is the colour of the Queen of England's favourite hat?
Darling: How the hell should I know?
Blackadder: I see. Well, let me ask you another question. What is the name of the German head of state?
Darling: Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously.
Blackadder: So you're on first-name terms with the Kaiser, are you?
Darling: Well, what did you expect me to say!?
Blackadder: Darling, Darling, shh. Cigarette?
Darling: Thank you.
[Blackadder places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it. He smokes for a few seconds]
Blackadder: [slaps it away] All right, you stinking piece of crap!
Darling: I beg your pardon!?
Blackadder: [getting up close] Shut your cakehole, sonny, I know you. Tell me, Von Darling, what was it what finally won you over, eh? Was it the pumpernickel or the thought of hanging around with a big men in leather shorts?
Darling: [strangled voice] I'll have you court martialed for this, Blackadder!
Blackadder: What, for obeying the General's orders? That may be what you do in Munich — or should I say München — but not here, Werner. You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you? Baldrick, the cocker spaniel, please.
Darling: [desperate] Ah! No, no, no, wait! No, look, I'm English! I was born in Croydon! [breathing heavily] I was educated at Ipplethorpe Primary School! I've got a girlfriend called Doris! I know the words to all three verses of "God save the King!"
Blackadder: Four verses!
Darling: Four verses! Four verses! I meant four verses! Look, I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half-German and you married a German?
Darling: [crying] No, no! LOOK, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M NOT A GERMAN SPYYYYYYYYYY!
Blackadder: Good, thanks very much. Send the next man in, would you?
Blackadder: I've always been a soldier, married to the army. Book of King's Regulations is my mistress...possibly with a Harrods' lingerie catalogue tucked discreetly between the pages.
Nurse Mary: And no casual girlfriends?
Blackadder: Skirt? If only. When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country!
Nurse Mary: Well, sir, I'm only a humble nurse, but I did at one point think it might be Captain Darling.
Melchett: Well, bugger me with a fishfork! Old Darling, a Jerry morsetapper? What on Earth made you suspect him?
Nurse Mary: Well, he pooh-poohed the captain here and said that he'd never find the spy.
Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little.
Melchett: Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh -- he pooh-poohed it. Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment -- morale totally destroyed ... by pooh-pooh!
[Nurse Mary has begun reading an 'Ideas' magazine. During the next line, she looks around nervously and puts the paper down, sitting on it]
Blackadder: Yes, I think we might be drifting slightly from the point here, sir, which is that, unfortunately, and to my lasting regret, Captain Darling is not the spy.
Blackadder: Remember you mentioned a clever boyfriend?
Nurse Mary: Yes.
Blackadder: I leapt on the oppurtunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities: Oxford, Cambridge, Hull.
Nurse Mary: Well?
Blackadder: You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities!
Nurse Mary: You swine!
Melchett: That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!
Melchett: Blackadder?
Blackadder: [triumphant] Yes sir?
Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
Melchett: Darling?
Darling: [chastened] Yes sir?
Melchett: You are a complete arse!
Darling: Thank you sir.
Plan F: Goodbyeee...
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing, then!
Blackadder: [regarding the 1914 Christmas truce] Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than they managed in the next two and a half years of war!
Baldrick: Remember the football match?
Blackadder: Remember it!? How could I forget it!? I was never offside; I could not BELIEVE that decision!
George: Sir...I'm scared, sir.
Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir.
George: I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leap-froggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't wanna die...I'm really not overly keen on dying at all, sir.
Blackadder: What about you, Darling? How are you feeling?
Darling: Ah, not all that good, Blackadder. Rather thought I'd get through the whole show. Go back to working at Pratt and Sons. Keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen. Marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply reads..."Bugger".
[last lines of series]
Blackadder: [About Baldrick's last cunning plan] Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here? Good luck everybody. [blows whistle, and they go over the top]
Specials
Blackadder: The Cavalier Years
Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock-fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In what way?
Blackadder: It doesn't exist.
Blackadder: All right, what's the plan?
Baldrick: This [holds up a pumpkin with a face and wig]
Blackadder: A pumpkin is going to save the king?
Baldrick: I will cover his real head with a cloak and balance the pumpkin on top and cut that off instead and the king survives.
Blackadder: I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. You see, when you've cut it off you have to hold it before the crowd and say "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will all shout "No, it isn't. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
Baldrick: I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
Blackadder: It's not 1% convincing. However, I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. Here's my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.
[Roundheads have surrounded the house]
Baldrick: We're surrounded! What are we going to do!?
Blackadder: Well, at times like this, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand, and fight, and die, in defence of is future sovereign! [pause] Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour! [Blackadder tosses the baby to Baldrick, then pulls off his fake beard and wig to reveal a blond, clean-shaven face; he now looks like a Roundhead. At that moment, Roundhead soldiers burst in] Thank God you've come! [points to Baldrick] Seize the Royalist scum!
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
[Blackadder shouts from outside.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: HUMBUG! HUMBUG! HUMBUG!
[Blackadder enters his shop, holding a paper bag]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Humbug, Baldrick?
[Blackadder offers him the bag, which contains humbug sweets.]
Baldrick: Why thank you, Mr. B.
Lord Blackadder: Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.
Lord Melchett: And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
Nursie: Pity about this, tinky-wink; you always used to love this time of year!
Queenie: I know. Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it, because I was a princess: I could do what I bloody well liked!
Nursie: And wondering if your father's wife would last until Boxing Day without having her head cut off!
Queenie: We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be alright!
Lord Blackadder: [sarcastically] Perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen!?
Lord Melchett: Oh I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder...
Lord Blackadder: [sarcastically] Oh too kind!
Lord Melchett: No...Aylesbury's quite far enough!
Queenie: Now Blackadder, what have you got me?
Lord Blackadder: [having destroyed her Christmas present] Um...
Queenie: I WANT A PREZZIE! Give me something nice and shiny, and if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you: it's call AN AXE!
[A reformed Ebenezer Blackadder hands Baldrick the money he just lifted from his niece's fiancée.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus. I'm going to have a party, and no one's invited but me!
[Mrs. Scratchit arrives to swindle him]
Mrs. Scratchit: Coo-eee!
Blackadder: No peace for the wicked.
Mrs. Scratchit: [soppily] Ah, Mr. Ebenezer, I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me? Or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?
Blackadder: I have always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchit, and more than a little. [she looks shocked] As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.
Mrs. Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs. Scratchit. Occasionally saying "phew, my leg hurts" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.
Baldrick: It did, actually.
Blackadder: However, if you want something for lunch, [picks up a pale] take this. It's a pound a lump and, as luck would have it, there are 17 lumps left. [Takes back the money she had swindled from him earlier] Thank you.
Mrs. Scratchit: But what about my Tiny Tom?
Blackadder: If I was you, I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day.
[Mrs. Scratchit walks out, crying]
[Baldrick opens the door to find Queen Victoria, Prince Albert and their aide prepared to give Blackadder a reward for his generosity.]
Queen Victoria: We are Queen Victoria.
Baldrick: What, all three of you?
Lord Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't notice a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked atop a harpsichord singing "Subtle plans are here again,"
Blackadder Back & Forth
Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.
Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?
Blackadder: Yes, it is.
Baldrick: Mm... That's cunning!
Blackadder: Fascinating. One of history's great mysteries solved. The dinosaurs were in fact wiped out by your pants.
Blackadder: Well, isn't this a turn-up for the books, Baldrick? You have invented a working time machine and are therefore, rather surprisingly, the greatest genius who has ever lived!
[Blackadder punches William Shakespeare.]
Blackadder: That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years! Do you have any idea how much suffering you're going to cause? Hours spent at school desks trying to find one joke in A Midsummer Night's Dream? Years spent wearing stupid tights in school plays saying things like 'what ho, my lord' and 'look, here cometh Othello talking total crap as usual'? Oh, and ... [kicks Shakespeare] That is for Ken Branagh's endless, uncut, four-hour version of Hamlet!
Shakespeare: Who's Ken Branagh?
Blackadder: I'll tell him you said that. And I think he'll be very hurt.
Robin Hood: Well, well! What have we here, my tough band of freedom fighters, who have good muscle tone and aren't gay?!
Blackadder: [crouched beneath Hadrian's Wall] That's odd; the machine seems to be seeking out our DNA across time!
[Atop the wall, a Roman Blackadder and Baldrick stand at attention]
Centurion Blaccadicus: Brilliant, just brilliant!
Legionary Baldricus: What, o Centurion?
Centurion Blaccadicus: We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs, with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards-or to put it another way, the Scots!-and how does our inspired leader Hadrian intend to keep out this vast army of lunatics!? By building a a three-foot high wall! [sarcastic] A terrifying obstacle! About as frightening as a little rabbit with the word "Boo!" painted on its nose! [Baldricus shudders]
Consul Georgius: Oh come now, Centurion! I won't have that! This wall is a terrific defence mechanism! Surely you're not suggesting that a rabble of Scots could get the better of Roman soldiers!?
[Further conversation is halted by the arrival of General Melchicus]
Consul Georgius: Ah, welcome General!
General Melchicus: Splendid! Good to see you practicing your English, Georgius! [continues in Latin] However, important news- Rome is being attacked on all sides, and so far the Emperor's only response has been to poison his mother and marry his horse. The Senate is therefore withdrawing troops from Britain to defend our Imperial city.
Centurion Blaccadicus: Did you hear that, Balders?
Legionary Baldricus: I certainly did, Centurion!
Centurion Blaccadicus: Back to Rome, at last!
General Melchicus: [in Latin] BAAA!
Consul Georgius: [looking beyond the wall] I say, this is interesting! There appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us!
Centurion Blaccadicus: That's not a hedge, Consul. That's the Scots!
Blackadder: [to Baldrick, as they run from a mob of bloodthirsty Scots] Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewart's great-great-grandfather!
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