- Dave Lister
"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
- Rimmer
"All in all, 100% successful trip."
"But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer."
"All in all, 100% successful trip."
- Cat & Kryten
"Come on bud, you're not doing anything I wouldn't do!"
"What? You'd sacrifice your life for the sake of the crew?"
"No, I'd sacrifice your life for the sake of the crew."
- Cat & Rimmer
"I owe Mr.Lister everything sir, if it wasn't for him, I'd be normal."
- Kryten
"Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people."
- Kryten
THE END
"Love is what separates us from animals "
"No, Lister. What separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. "
- Lister & Rimmer
"Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."
- Rimmer and Lister
"The water is only 3 feet deep. They can wade. That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall."
"Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton. Baa, splash, baa, splash."
- Lister and Rimmer discuss Lister’s plan to put a farm on Fiji, which is now 3ft under water
"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
- Rimmer describes death to Lister
FUTURE ECHOES
BALANCE OF POWER
"My answer in answering the question: "What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?" Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"
- Rimmer has another bad exam
WAITING FOR GOD
I'm not a god, I was misquoted.
- Lister
"After intensive investigation (comma) of the markings on the alien pod (comma) it has become clear (comma) to me (comma) that we are dealing (comma) with a species of awesome intellect (colon)."
"Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation."
- Rimmer and Holly
CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA
"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."
- Holly
"Stranger things have happened."
"Only two come to mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."
- Lister & Rimmer
ME-2
"Busy, Dave?"
"Well, yeah. I am, actually."
"Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-light-speed fighters that are tracking us."
"What?!"
"I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate."
"No, Hol, come on, come on."
"They're from Earth."
"Three million years away?"
"They're from the NorWEB federation."
"What's that?"
"The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
"Me? Why? What for?"
"For your crimes against humanity."
"You what!"
"It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
"Did I?"
"You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
"Yeah. They go all mouldy."
"Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB."
"Why NorWEB? "
"You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds."
"A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're kidding!"
"April fool."
"But it's not April."
"Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt."
- Holly The Computer & Lister
"Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?"
"I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."
- Lister & Rimmer
KRYTEN
"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
- Holly
BETTER THAN LIFE
So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd.
- A Newsreader reports on the phenomenal success of the BTL game
Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
- Lister
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
STASIS LEAK
It happens, you know, Rimmer. You meet people, then you move on, man. When I was ten, I had a friend called Duncan. Me best mate ever. He taught me everything. He was the one who showed me how to put mirrors on me toecaps so I could look up girl's skirts. Then his father had to move to Spain because of a job. It was a bank job he pulled in Purley. Never saw him again. I still think of him, though... every time I look at me shoes.
- Lister
Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
- Rimmer
Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie "Gone With the Wind". If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules.
- Video of Lift Hostess
QUEEG
Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?
- Rimmer
I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
- Lister
Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
- Holly
"Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. [goes to squish the pea; it snaps away] I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked."
"He's just doing this to destroy your morale."
"Is he? Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter what!
"It flew off into your dirty-sock basket."
"I'll just have the toast"
- Lister & Rimmer
"Lister? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?"
"I've been seeing her behind your back."
- Rimmer & Lister
PARALLEL UNIVERSE
BACKWARDS
"This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone....she'll never leave Fred and we know it. "
- Lister
MAROONED
R: "But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,a shambolic drunken set-to."
L: "...which you started. "
R: "I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it."
L: "...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four biggest mates. And then you do your roadrunner act and leave *ME* to face the music.
R: "Well, I could have got hurt!"
L: "You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?"
- Rimmer & Lister
POLYMORPH
As far as I can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run away. Who's for Two?
- Rimmer
You either got it or you ain't. Boys, you ain't even close.
- Cat
Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package : perhaps over tea and biscuits.
- Rimmer, after having all his anger removed
Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!
- Lister
I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or, my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." One drawback with that--the abbreviation is CLITORIS.
- Rimmer
"I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and nicked some gear."
"This is a scalpel! I'm supposed to cut *my* food with a scalpel? Something that has been inside someone's guts?
"It's all been cleaned; it's all been washed; it's clean."
"Something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? *I'm* supposed to eat with *this* ?"
- Lister & Cat, Polymorph
"So now Lister's got no sense of fear..."
"Precisely."
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, I say let's get out there and twat it!"
"Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to us."
"I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it : you saw it -- it took me by surprise."
"Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine."
"If it wants a barney, we'll give it one! One swift knee in the happy sacks; it'll drop like anyone else!"
"Fine, well, we'll bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy."
"I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it death with the tonsil end."
"Yes, yes, very good..."
- Rimmer & Lister discuss the situation
#
BODY SWAP
"I am really not sure about this. [as he pushes a trolley with Lister on it down a corridor]"
"Look, you're programmed to obey - get on with it."
"But surely we should ask him first?"
"I told you, he's agreed. He's perfectly happy about the situation."
"Well then why did you make me chloroform him and why did he struggle so?"
"Look, I'm in charge Kryten, I'll take full responsibility."
"Oh! But sir..."
"Science lab, pronto. And If he comes around give him another whack. "
- Kryten & Rimmer
TIME-SLIDES
"We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste Chip."
- Kryten
Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
- Kryten
"You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with . . . with . . . with what, I've got . . . it's you isn't it?"
- Rimmer
It's my duty, as a total and utter bastard
- Rimmer
Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!
- Rimmer
#
THE LAST DAY
"There's nothing wrong with boxing. It's one of the great working class escapes, is boxing. It's just sport, like any other. Two highly trained athletes at the peak of physical perfection, trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat. In fact, at its best, it's not a sport, it's an artform."
"Female topless boxing?"
- Lister & Kryten, The Last Day
"Just out of interest: Is Silicon Heaven the same place as human Heaven?"
"Human heaven? Goodness me, humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts!"
- Lister & Kryten
"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any more."
"I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
- Rimmer & Lister
If we're talking about famous firsts - my first French kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Sixteen. Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now — I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank! He'd got the wrong room - he thought I was my mum!
- Rimmer
"Why didn't you have a mum?"
"I was abandoned."
"Abandoned?"
"Six weeks old. A cardboad box underneath the pool table. I was just abandoned in this pub."
"How could anybody do that?"
"I don't know. I never found out."
"Well, I'd have thought it was obvious. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason. A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister."
"Hey, I'm baring my innermost here! What kind of remark is that?"
"How many toes have you got?"
- Rimmer taunts Lister
"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"
- Kryten, Rimmer & Lister
CAMILLE
"Oh, I think you're perfectly charming."
"(Astounded) Do you? Well, thank you. No-one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git." But never charming, no."
- Camille & Rimmer
"Hey. The prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, y'know? We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spiderman costume."
"And they say romance is dead. "
- Lister & Camille
It's the old, old story: Droid meets Droid, Droid becomes Chameleon, Droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon turns into Blob, Droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes off with Blob, and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times have we seen that story?
- Kryten
DNA
( Kryten has been changed from a mechanoid to a human, and is discussing it with Lister )
L: Any problems?
K: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
L: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
K: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
L: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
K: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion ?
L: No. We don't have them.
K: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work.
L: Er, in what way `don't work'?
K: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
L: Human nipples don't do that, Kryten.
K: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaptor. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling out.
L: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
K: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject – not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
L: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.
K: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
L: Yeah, of course we can.
K: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well?
L: `Well' what?
K: Well, what do you think?
L: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
K: I want to know: is that normal?
L: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
K: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
L: Well, yeah.
K: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks?
L: Well, yeah.
K: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed] and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened?
L: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
K: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
L: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
K: It *was* a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
L: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back.
#
I just don't trust that machine, man. Look, I know it's old- fashioned, but I'm from the school that believes, "If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control".
- Lister
"Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels. "
"I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat. It was unfurnished."
"So you went to a hotel and stole the bed? "
"I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels. "
- Lister
"The question is: Can we turn him back again?"
"The question is: Do we want to?"
- Cat & Rimmer, after Lister is turned into a chicken
JUSTICE
This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.
- Kryten
Convict: No weapons?
Lister: No weapons. [they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister: So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice.
Lister: (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that...
#
WHITE HOLE
"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "
- Kryten and Rimmer
"Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"
"How 'bout a muffin?"
"Or muffins! Or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, noteacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"
"Aah, so you're a waffle man!"
- Lister and Talkie Toaster
"He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "
- Kryten & Lister
"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
- Lister, Cat and Kryten
DIMENSION JUMP
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."
- 'Ace' Rimmer
"Purple alert! Purple alert!"
"What's a purple alert?"
"Well, it's like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert."
- Lister and Holly
MELTDOWN
"Rimmer, what's going on out there? Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi? And what's he doing practising hand to hand combat with a nun? "
"That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa. She's a soldier now. "
- Lister & Rimmer
HOLOSHIP
"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"
- Cat & Kryten
"Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic house cat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest."
"Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. "
"Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram."
"Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his jacket) "
"Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightment, quickly, please. "
"They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!"
"Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
- Kryten & Cat
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon voyage.
- Lister
Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?…[pause]…apparently I am.
- Kryten
"Rimmer, you said that about King of Kings, the story of Jesus! "
"Well it's true! A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that, and doesn't go into show business! Do any of us believe that, even for a second? "
"He was supposed to be the son of god! "
"And when he was carrying that cross up the hill. Any normal realistic bloke would have mule kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, been over that green hill and far away before you could say 'Pontius Pilate'. "
- Lister & Rimmer
Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met.
- Rimmer’s farewell speech
INQUISITOR
"This is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless."
"We're in big trouble "
- Kryten & Rimmer
"Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be ... yourself."
"Oh SMEG."
- Inquisitor & Rimmer
R: Why did no-one mention this before? If I had been told about this at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All those charity telethons when I used ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I would have given them /my/ credit card number.
K: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life...
R: Oh god.
K: ...make a contribution...
R: Oh god.
K: ...no matter how small.
R: Oh god.
K: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self serving.
R: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
K: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
R: Well, shut up, then!
TERRORFORM
L: "I can't think straight. I've got a tarantula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me."
C: "I'm scared "
L: "YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel? "
C: "You haven't SEEN it! "
L: "The lower half of my body has gone numb."
C: "That's probably for the best. "
- Lister thinks a tarantula’s crawled up his trousers
"OK. I say get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman the hell out of here."
"An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: A) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and B) There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants."
"Well that's put a crimp an otherwise damn fine plan."
- Cat and Kryten
My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented, disoriented, disoriented.
- Kryten
There's an old android saying which I feel is particularly relevant to this situation. It goes: '00101010110100101101001111001010101001011011000101010' which, roughly translated, means 'Don't stand around jabbering when your life is in dang...hey, wait for me, you guys!
- Kryten
Oops. You're right. He really isn't dead. I owe you twenty.
- Cat
#
QUARANTINE
Kryten : "...do not blow you nose."
Lister : "Do you mind if I ask, Why?"
Kryten : "Well, lets forgoe the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get to the really gross part where always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps, the face of the Madonna, an undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?"
- Being in quarantine gets to the crew
L: No one's got any virus, and no one's smegging nuts!
R: Well that's good... Is something the amiss?
L: Amiss? God no, what could possibly be amiss?
R: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sat here wearing a red and white gingham dress, and army boots, you think that's un-amiss?
C: No, course not, it's just we thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you.
R: I was doing a little test, a little test to see if you had gone crazy. if there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
L: Well we've passed the test Rimmer, you can let us out.
R: I can't let you out.
L: Why not?
R: Because the King of the potato people won't let me. I've begged him, I've got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here, keep you here for 10 years.
C: Can we see him?
R: See who?
C: The King.
R: Do you have a magic carpet?
L: Yeah, a little 3 seater.
R: So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the potato people? And plead with him for your freedom? And you're telling me you're completely sane?
- An insane Rimmer quarantines the rest of the crew
"Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I am here to give your lives... meaning."
- Dr. Langstrom
"Why do we never meet anyone nice?"
"Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?"
- Lister & Cat
DEMONS & ANGELS
BACK TO REALITY
"Don't fish swim south for the winter?"
"No, that's birds, sir."
"Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?"
- Cat and Kryten,
"Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective." I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon!"
"On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name."
- Kryten discusses his ‘real’ name with Rimmer
"I drink? and I smoke? and I have cold curried sauce for breakfast? I sound like some barely human grossed out slime ball. "
"Oh, it's all flooding back is it sir? "
"What, I play the Guitar? "
"Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube? Does my head look like a genetically engineered loo brush?"
"Is there something good you can tell me about myself? something laudable? "
"Laudable, em. You sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside-out and extending the wear time by three weeks.
"I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate space bum."
"Oh! Welcome back Mr Lister sir."
- Kryten fills in an amnesiac Lister
"Question which occurs, if this ocean is supposed to be teaming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
"What are you implying Kryten? "
"No implication intended sir. "
"Yes there is! You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there aren't you? Some kind of gigantic weird prehistoric Leviathon who's porked his way through this entire ocean! "
"That is one option."
"Any alternatives? "
"None that occur."
- Kryten & Lister
"These are our higher selves, they are the people we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed. "
"You mean hippies? "
"With respect sir, do you think Jesus was a hippy? "
"Well he was! He had long hair, he didn't have a job, what more do you want?"
- Kryten & Rimmer
PSIRENS
"What's that?"
"Human remains. Wait, angle up five degrees, across ten degrees. There, some kind of writing on the floor, P-S-I-R-E-N-S, Psirens. "
"The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines. "
"Who would do that? "
"Someone who badly needed a pen. "
"What I don't understand, is why he went to the trouble of using his Kidney as a full stop. "
"I don't think he meant to do that, it probably just plopped out."
- Lister, Kryten, Cat & Rimmer
"Say you're wrong?"
"Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it."
"Kryten, you haven't got a reputation."
"No, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"Any damage? "
"Not too bad, a couple of sensors are out, the fuel intake chambers are both flooded, and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore. "
"We came through that intact? "
"Starbug was made to last sir, this old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. "
"It's what it's made of. Back in the 22nd Century aerospace engineers discovered that after a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll, so they made Starbug out of the same stuff. "
"Is that a fact? "
"Cat, you're so gullible. "
"Thanks!"
- Cat, Kryten & Lister
"Stay back"
"How long has it been since you made love to a woman?"
"I admit it's been a while."
"It's been over three million years, Dave."
"I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it's just four. And if you count it in _leap_ Ice Ages, it's hardly even one."
"That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives."
"That's a long time for a Albanian shepherd who's allergic to wool."
- Lister & a stunning Psiren
"A couple of Psirens wiped each other out fighting over my brains ... Oh, no. It's the TV weather girl from channel 27."
"Sir. Fight it! Don't look at her."
"It's not that easy, Kryten -- you can't see what she's doing with her pointy stick."
- Lister & Kryten
(Rimmer and Kryten are holding Lister & a Psiren, who looks exactly like Lister…)
"Play the Guitar. "
"What here? inside? "
"Play it! "
(Psiren Lister plays the Guitar- Cat and Kryten shoot the Psiren Lister)
Real_Lister: "How did you know that wasn't me? "
Cat: "Cos that dude could play! "
Lister: "He's no better than me. "
Kryten: "That's the way you believe you can play sir. That's why, when the Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion, that you are not a ten-thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter. "
Lister: "You're seriously saying you think he was better than me?
( Real_Lister plays the Guitar) So, what's the difference? "
Cat: "Little survival tip bud, never play your Guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."
#
LEGION
"Ten o'clock change-over anything to report? "
"We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf sir, almost 24 hours behind now, other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow, thankfully it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"How are we fuel wise? "
"Unchanged for today sir, however the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch Lager. "
"We're OK for food aren't we? "
"Confidentially sir no. We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worst still, the only liquorice all-sorts left are those only little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply. "
"So what's under the grill? "
"Space Weevil."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time- period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire."
"And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? (pause) S- sorry, run that by me one more time?"
- Legion welcomes Lister
When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accomodation - excellent. Food - first class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe.
- Lister
KRYTEN (Shifting his grip on the vase.) You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
RIMMER tenses up, closes his eyes and grits his teeth. KRYTEN pinches him on the shoulder... then smashes him over the head with the vase.
RIMMER: That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip! That's smashing me over the head with a vase!
KRYTEN: There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you!
#
GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
"It's too small for a vessel, maybe some kind of missile. "
"It's impossible to tell at this range, whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own. "
"So do the Albanian state washing machine company."
- Rimmer, Kryten & Lister
"Step up to red alert. "
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten
Open communications channels Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh.
- Rimmer
#
R: You took your time, where've you been?
L: I was in the AR Machine.
R: Again?
L: What do you mean, again?
R: Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
L: That is not true!
R: Yes true, it's pathetic watching you grind away day after day, like a dog who's missing his master's leg. That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime guarantee, you've worn it out in nearly 3 weeks.
L: That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of liable. I don't just play the role playing games! What about the sporting simulations, like zero gee Kick Boxing, and Wimbledon.
R: You only play Wimbledon, 'cos you're having it off with that jail bait ball girl.
L: There's another total lie! She's not jail bait, she's sixteen!
R: Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels!
L: Yeah, what pixels!
#
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons. We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense."
- Rimmer & Cat
#
EMOHAWK
"Would it harm you to have hair like mine?"
"I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head."
"Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest hair cut. "
"Oh, surely not sir. "
"Think about it, why did the US Cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides verses girlie Hippy locks. "
"The Cavaliers and the Roundheads? One-nil to the Pudding basins "
"Vietnam, crew cuts both sides, no score draw."
(Shakes head despairingly.) "Oh, for a really world class psychiatrist."
- Rimmer discusses his view of history with Kryten
K: It's charging us with looting Space Corp derelicts.
L: But we don't loot Space Corp derelicts? We just hack our way in, and swipe what we need!
R: Lister, if this goes to trial I demand separate lawyers.
"Recommendations? "
"I suggest I take the rap for everyone sir, you can say that I held you hostage, and forced you at gun point to do my evil bidding. "
"For god sake Kryten, we can't let you do that! "
"Really? "
"Dream on metal trash. Get your hands in the air, and step into that search light."
- Rimmer & Kryten
It's taken my bitterness, and the cat's cool. He's in a hell of a shape, he's looking so geeky, I don't think he can even get into a Science Fiction convention and Mr. Rimmer is...well... likeable.
- The Emohawk sucks away the crew’s dominant emotion
Sir, this can't go on. The Cat's looking geekier than a science fiction convention,
- Kryten
"That's it. I'm invoking space corps directive 6_8_2_5_0."
" 6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi."
"Forget it. Forget I was ever born."
"But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem."
- Rimmer & Kryten
"Kryten, the Eastbourne zimmer-frame relay team can easily outrun us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning."
"Hmm, I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, sir."
- Lister & Kryten, Emohawk
"Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxygeneration unit he want *you* to be his daughter's mate."
"*That's* his daughter?"
"One of three. Apparently sir *she's* the looker."
"Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy."
"Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse."
"Only due to very poor disco lighting."
- Rimmer & Lister
#
RIMMERWORLD
"There's an old Cat saying: ‘ If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.’ "
"There's an old human saying: ‘ If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.’ "
- Cat & Rimmer
"Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell?"
- Rimmer & Kryten
UNKNOWN
"The Greeks have been camped outside of Troy, kapowin', zappin' and kersplattin' the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah. Then they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift, this tribute to their valiant foes, a huge wooden horse.
Just large enough to happily contain five hundred Greeks in full battle dress, and still have adequate room for toilet facilities! Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, 'Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny pressie. What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave? No, they don't, they just wheel it in, and all decide to go for an early night. People that stupid deserve to be kapowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!
And do you know what the funny thing is? From this particular phase in history derived the phrase - Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. When it'd be much more logical to derive the phrase - Beware of Trojans, they're complete SMEGHEADS! "
- Lister discusses one of the famous moments of literature...
R: That's it, I'm invoking Space Corp Directive 39436175880932/B.
K: 39436175880932/B. All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space. Is that entirely relevant sir. I mean here we are, in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
R: Can't you let just one go, I was talking about the right of P-O-W's to non-violent constraint.
K: But that's 75880932/C, sir.
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