Frankie Boyle Quotes

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it

I would have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying "My dad's bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!" "So what? My dad will shag your dad. And your dad will enjoy it."

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

I thought it was sad that they had that concert for Princess Diana I mean she didnt have much to do with pop music , they should have have done something that celebrated what was really great about her life ... by staging a gang bang in a minefield.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?

( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) Ive had a few medical problems this year. Im now so old that my *** is haunted.

(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time lately because of there £7 flight to New York. But as always with RyanAir it does always land a little bit outside of New York. In Dublin.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer

Anyone whos been to Middlesbrough will know that living to 53 is maybe a bit long. Sort of like Blade Runner without the special effects.

Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Bernard Matthews doesn't take glee in culling turkeys, he sits ona throne of turkey skulls.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch

And now over to Kate Humble, whos going to kick the face off a badger.

In these troubled times between our nations, I feel like I need to reach out to President Putin and say "I have shagged your mother

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?
My wife still thinks I died in 9/11

By the year 2015, the worlds population will have risen by 20%. How do we find Kerry Katona and stop her?

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

LIDL’s own brand shampoo….
Because you’re worthless…

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

The only time I want to see Geri Halliwell draped with the Union Jack is as a casualty of war.

Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.

Since the split with Peter Andre, Jordan has apparently hit the bottle and isn’t eating properly. At least she’s able to carry on as normal.

I was reading the financial times when i saw the headline FANNY MAE COLLAPSE. For a moment i thought Kerry Katona was pregnant again.

Was walking round Bradford the other day and its clearly a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to f**k you now.”