Sunday, September 05, 2010

Peter Griffin Quotes

Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Odo: I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking.
Quark Griffin: Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.
Odo: I mean it! You'll have me to deal with!
Quark Griffin: Ohhhh, I'm really scared.
Odo: I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.
Quark Griffin: Hey, here's an idea: why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?

Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think its immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

[repeated line]
Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears?

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!

Peter Griffin: [Hosting Family Feud] How are you Betsy, welcome to the show you are a lovely young woman,
[kisses her cheek]
Peter Griffin: and I'll just get my hand up there and feel that one and that one
[squeezes her breasts, she looks at him horrifically]
Peter Griffin: and we're looking for something you shop for at the mall, three seconds.

Peter Griffin: [Dressed up as Spiderman climbing on a clothesline singing to the tune of the Batman theme] Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Spiderman, Spiderman/ Here comes Peter on a clothesline but his name's not Peter it is Spiderman, Spiderman/ Come on Lois let's get busy maybe right here in the garden Spiderman, Spiderman.

Stewie Griffin: Let me tell you something *Nessa,* a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Peter Griffin: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Stew Griffin: [after having sex with Fran] Um... that's never happened before.
Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?
Stew Griffin: Uh, I guess both.
Stew Griffin: Do I give you money now?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Stewie. How about Daddy teaches you how to swim?
Stewie Griffin: Go... away... fat man.
[Peter picks up Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Dah! What do you think you're doing? No means no!
[Stewie hangs on Peter's arm while Peter tries to get Stewie in the pool]
Peter Griffin: Come on, Stewie! In... the... pool!
Stewie Griffin: No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!

Brandon: Good luck, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: [mocking] Good luck, Stewie! That's *you*. That's what *you* sound like.

Stewie Griffin: Ewwww, a band-aid.

Horace: Hey, is he 18?
Brian Griffin: Horace, the drinking age is 21.
Horace: Oh.

Peter Griffin: And you know what else grinds my gears? You America!
Peter Griffin: Fuck you! Diane?

[Brian has died and gone to heaven where he sits in a booth having drinks with some new friends]
Brian Griffin: Wow, look at me! Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.
Ernest Hemingway: Yeah, well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.
Vincent Van Gogh: I could not reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living so I shot myself.
Kurt Cobain: I hated the thought of my music become part of some bland corporate mechanism so I shot myself.
Brian Griffin: [sheepish] Yeah I, uh... I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

Brian Griffin: [Quagmire is planning a cross-country sex trip and has put up a sign on the side of his Winebego] Hey Quagmire, isn't there an "o" in "country"?

Peter Griffin: For more about flatulence, you can visit my ass!
[Peter Farts]

Stewie Griffin: I'm going to go pump the chemical toilet. Apparently you're about to do the same.

Stewie Griffin: [after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this but... would you mind shaving my coin purse?

Peter Griffin: Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Stu visit his family in the future. Lois greets them at the front door] She's still ALIVE? What the hell, man?

Stewie Griffin: Let's see... umm... I think it would have to be... fuck.
TV Presenter: What's your favorite curse word?

Stewie Griffin: [Future Stewie talking about vacations] In fact, just last summer I went back to visit Jesus Christ. Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit.

Stewie Griffin: [on top of a shelf; drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I'm gonna jump! Gonna jump from... Gonna jump... to my high chair!
Peter Griffin: Stewie can you not interrupt? It grinds my gears when you do that.
Lois Griffin: Oh! He said it!
Stewie Griffin: You ready? Can you... Can you see me... gonna jump... gonna ju... jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you?
[jumps and misses highchair]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! You see me?

Stewie Griffin: [Stew is about to have sex with Fran] Yes now go! Put your
[reading from book]
Stewie Griffin: penis in her vagina

Lois Griffin: [Stewie and Lois are at the Community Pool. Lois is trying to teach Stewie- who is pettrified of the water- how to swim] Aw, now don't worry Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you!
Stewie Griffin: SHUT UP! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Katie Couric: Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Pock shows his recipe for apple strudel.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.
Peter Griffin: [picks up a post box and throws it through the glass] Katie!
Katie Couric: [turns and shouts angrily] What?
Peter Griffin: Oh, well never mind then.
[walks away]

Katie Couric: Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.
Peter Griffin: [Knocking on the window] Katie.
Katie Couric: Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter Griffin: [Knocks on the window a 2nd time] Katie.
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Puck shows his recipe for Apple Strudel.
Peter Griffin: [Knocks on the window a 3rd time] Katie.
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.
Peter Griffin: [Peter grabs a P.O box and breaks the window] KATIE!
Katie Couric: WHAT?
Peter Griffin: [while walking away] Oh well, never mind.

Family Guy Presents: Something Something Something Dark Side (2009) (V)
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Captain Piett, you're in charge now. Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: A promotion? Really? Can I get business cards that say "Admiral"?
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here. I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?
Stormtrooper: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper. There's like a million of you. What do need business cards for?
Stormtrooper: Well, they're for my cookie business.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I don't want... Oh, my God. That chocolate cookie looks like the Death Star.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: And who are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: ...get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: How you doing, kid? You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [Leia runs up to Han while he's reading a book] Han! I think there's something...
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Han puts his finger up to quiet Leia and finishes with his current paragraph. Once done he turns to her] Hrmm?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Where?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Out there in the cave!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Ha! Crazy women always hearing things.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Let's go check it out.

[Han fires his blaster at a mynock. The ground shakes]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Wait a minute.
[Shoots the ground. It shakes again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hang on a second.
[Shoots the ground again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What's going on here?
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Something doesn't add up.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Just a minute.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Time out.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: This ain't quite right.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, now I get it. We should go.

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Upon seeing Boba Fett for the first time] Ha, ha! The Giant Chicken's Boba Fett!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [to Leia] I'm going to kiss you so hard, the scene is going to change to something different.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [to Lando] Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
[turns to the camera]
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Come on Luke, join the Dark Side - it's really cool!

"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Peter (Han Solo): [about the Millennium Falcon] Well, what do you think?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): What a piece of junk!
Peter (Han Solo): Thank you. This was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Is it a fast ship?
Peter (Han Solo): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Brian Griffin (Chewbacca): [makes a growling noise, then spits] Always gargle before I travel. Wakka Wakka! Ok, let's go.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): [Luke destroys a TIE Fighter] I got one! I got one!
Peter (Han Solo): Great kid! Don't get penis-y!

Peter (Han Solo): Great idea, Princess! Diving into a pile of garbage! Hey, maybe when we get out of here, you can show us around your home planet of Alderaan. Ohhhhhhhhh, too soon?

Peter (Han Solo): This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part Four.

Peter (Han Solo): I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

Peter (Han Solo): If you want, I'll show you around since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us.
Stormtrooper: Stop that ship! Blast them!
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

Peter (Han Solo): Looks like we've got Imperial cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone. You are driving.

Peter (Han Solo): All right, strap yourselves in. I'm about to make the jump to light speed.
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Peter (Han Solo): We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose'em.
[the Falcon starts listing lazily to the left]
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Uh, that was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse'em.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up.
Imperial Officer 1: Where did they go?
Imperial Officer 2: There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!
Imperial Officer 1: Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

Peter (Han Solo): Everything's under control here. Situation normal.
Stormtrooper: What happened?
Peter (Han Solo): We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right. We're fine. We're all fine here now. Thank you. How are you?
Stormtrooper: I've been better.
Peter (Han Solo): Well, tell me what's up.
Stormtrooper: Well, I'm in this relationship and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I like her, but we're not really connecting.
Peter (Han Solo): How long has it been?
Stormtrooper: About ten months.
Peter (Han Solo): And how often do you see each other?
Stormtrooper: Couple times a week.
Peter (Han Solo): Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often and see if you connect a little more? And if not, it may be time to move on. Thanks for calling. This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours right here on the midnight shift.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): They're coming too fast!
Peter (Han Solo): A nickel for every time I had that problem.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So, you got your reward and you're leaving? Is that it?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, when you say it that way, I sound like a douche. But yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter (Han Solo): I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter (Han Solo): Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter (Han Solo): Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter (Han Solo): Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter (Han Solo): And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter (Han Solo): I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
Peter (Han Solo): Well you put it that way, I sound like a douche, but yeah.

Peter (Han Solo): Look - a lightsaber chesse knife!

Peter (Han Solo): [Han has installed the couch in the Falcon's cockpit] See how much more comfortable we are shooting stuff!

Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, you mean the thing you just found out about three hours ago and are now judging *me* for not believing in?

"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Riff: Uh, okay, man, you are really throwing me off. It's step-kick-step-twirl. Got it?
Peter Griffin: I thought we were going gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks.
Riff: Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Why don't you just hang back and stretch?
[Peter looks disappointed]

Meg Griffin: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter Griffin: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

Peter Griffin: [riding a circus elephant] Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt, isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said *runt*.

[Stewie is taken by an airport security guard]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! You're one of them. What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money, women... men?

Stewie Griffin: What do you want?
Cult Leader: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is *untimely death*!

Cheesy Charlie's Manager: We have many flavors of ice cream - vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, and people.
Peter Griffin: What was that last one?
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Chocolate.

Brian Griffin: Well Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party out of your ass, you may wanna stand up.

Stewardess: Well hey there little boy, are you lost?
Stewie Griffin: Now listen to me...
[Reads name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE, I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight happy meal - and no pickles! Oh God help you if I find pickles!

[riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

Stewie Griffin: [to ticket agent] Now listen to me...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Manangua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. AND NO PICKLES! Oh, God help you if I find pickles.

Stewie Griffin: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.
Peter Griffin: But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.
Lois Griffin: Lucky there's a family guy.
Peter Griffin: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.
Stewie Griffin: Laugh and cry.

Brian Griffin: And when you had that Irish Coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
Peter Griffin: [the family is watching the movie in a theater, where everybody except Peter is crying] I got it, it's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Peter Griffin: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world!

Brian Griffin: Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you're allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, America's great, except for the South.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Mr. Weed: You're fired!
Peter Griffin: Aw, jeez. For how long?

Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

Stewie Griffin: You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get. You're life however is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
[pulls out grenades]
Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want you're toy back. Here you go.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[runs out of room]
Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!

Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

Mr. Weed: Griffin! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter Griffin: No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.

Family Guy (2006) (VG)
Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing Peter's destroyed satellite dish] God, it looks like an Iraqi trailer park.

[Carter and some cops bust into the Griffin House]
Carter Pewterschmidt: I knew it! Arrest that dog! He violated my restraining order and inpregnanted Seabreeze!
Brian Griffin: What? No I didn't!
Carter Pewterschmidt: [Carter pulls out money and bribes both cops] He's lying! And he's not caucasian!
[the cops proceed to beat up Brian]

[the PTV satellite gets blown up]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Keep it down up there! If that's Meg or some kind of squirrel, I'm gonna get my shotgun!

Brian Griffin: I'm not the father, Joe!
Joe Swanson: Unless you can prove that Brian, we gotta lock you up.
[Brian and Joe stop at a speedbump]
Joe Swanson: Dammit a speed bump. Who's the wise guy that put this speed bump here? It's not funny! Horowitz I'm looking at you! Yeah! Oh, laugh it up guys! This is in poor taste!

Peter Griffin: Nice try, Belvedere! Thinks he can just take me out with one of his brainwashed henchman disguised as a nurse! Well it's going to take a lot more then that to keep me from getting back Lois and Brian and Chris and Stewie and... and um... damn. Um... I wanna say... I wanna say Russ?

Peter Griffin: [while Bertram and Stewie are fighting on the roof] What the hell is that? If that's some kind of squirrel or Meg, I'm getting my shotgun.

Stewie Griffin: Bertram's obviously been planning this attack for sometime, but what's his master plan? I must find out! Therefore I have no choice, but to shrink myself down, and infiltrate his lair within the fat man's testicles. Gross.

Brian Griffin: [reading a video game magazine] Huh... hidden pornographic scene viewable by pressing up, up, down, down, left.
[pauses, then continues reading]
Brian Griffin: Horny gamers believe anything.

Brian Griffin: [upon seeing the interrogation room flooded, chuckles] Looks like someone needs to clean out the aquarium.

Brian Griffin: Still at it here, huh?
Peter Griffin: I have a responsibility to my PTV viewers, Brian. And nothing says viewers, like a five day, non-stop Mr. Belvedere marathon!
Brian Griffin: I gotta say, I never really cared for that show, kind of put out a weird vibe.
Peter Griffin: Shh, shh! I think this is the one where Mr. Belvedere sits on his own nuts!
Brian Griffin: And there's the weird vibe.

Stewie Griffin: I'll go Black Hawk Down on the helicopter.

"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: This is it, pal. We're goners.
Brian Griffin: Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway...
[Peter farts]
Brian Griffin: Peter, that's it!
[Brian farts]
Peter Griffin: Hey, pull my finger.
Brian Griffin: My pleasure.
[Peter farts]
Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.
[Brian farts]
Peter Griffin: Silent but lifesaving.

Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is... flaming.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter Griffin: You...

Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.

Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
Brian Griffin: Nice.

Peter Griffin: Oh man, this is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.

Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation. You'll be tanked, like the whole Irish nation. When you drink enough of my beer, you will find this magic rule. Make your every joke a jewel. You'll drive drunker than... Oksana Baiul. Go on buds, drink my suds, 'til you've reached that pure inebriation. Though the beer, may be free... you're just renting it from me.
Peter Griffin: It's like I died and went to heaven. But, but then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.

Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
[plays perfect piano]
Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!

Peter Griffin: Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
Peter Griffin: [flashback to when he was a kid] Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter hangs his head in shame]

Peter Griffin: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.

Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[cutaway to Peter on his bed]
Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.

"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Brian Griffin: Ah... Sorry Doc. I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kinda stuff.
Lady: Wait a minute... Brian you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter Griffin: A degenerate am I? Well you, are a vestiggio! See? I can make up words too sister!

Peter Griffin: Hey what do you think they put in the bug juice?
Brian Griffin: ...Bugs?
Peter Griffin: No way!... No they don't!... shut up!... come on!

Brian Griffin: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian Griffin: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: [on drugs] My day? Un-freaking-believable! First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll for god's sake!
[draws heavily on his cigarette then exhales]
Brian Griffin: Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... It's, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone honey, BAM! It freaking evaporated like a dingy, stinky mud puddle! One day you... you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a... it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway staring back at you, mocking you... Blah Blah Blah! Knowing the perverted truth will rot in the pit of your soul! That's how my freaking day was!
[everyone at the Table stares at him, then... ]
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

[the family is sitting in the kitchen]
Lois Griffin: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off?
Peter Griffin: Well, I... I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year!
[it switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad... it's not that good, but y'know... it's not that bad.
Brian Griffin: It's so-so.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... more or less...

Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP?

[Brian has discovered Peter at the clinic]
Brian Griffin: What are you doing here?
Peter Griffin: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.

Rehab Counselor: I don't think you're an addict, I think you're an idiot.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, well I don't pay you to think, hot lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it!

Stewie Griffin: [Brian walks in] Oh, splendid! Fido McCoke-fiend is home.

Peter Griffin: I'm NOT being insensitive, Lois. I just don't see why we have to cancel our vacation, just because the dog's a coke-fiend.

Joe Swanson: [referring to Brian] Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Glen Quagmire: Oh yeah? Heh, how good are you?
Brian Griffin: [sniff, sniff... sniff, sniff] You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...
Brian Griffin: and a man.
Glen Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
[Brian blinks once. Quagmire's facial expression changes]
Glen Quagmire: Nooo!

"Family Guy: Peter's Two Dads (#5.10)" (2007)
Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
[throws Stewie off his lap]
Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!
[throws Asian kid off his lap, Asian kid goes aghh for a second while being thrown]

Peter Griffin: All I know is, that somewhere in great land of Ireland, there is a fat bastard just like me.

Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.

[Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong]
Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Crack.
Brian Griffin: What the...
[beeping noise cuts off his last word]
Peter Griffin: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter Griffin: From Black's
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it

Peter Griffin: Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I-I don't know if you can hear me right now, but... I hope you know... I love you, Dad.
Francis Griffin: Peter... come closer. There's something... I need to say to you.
Peter Griffin: I'm here, Dad. What is it?
Francis Griffin: Peter... you're a fat, stinking drunk!
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, he's dead! He can't be dead! There's gotta be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the Pet Cemetery.
[cutaway to Peter burying Francis in the Pet Cemetery. As he finishes, Francis jumps out of the ground screaming]
Peter Griffin: [screams and wacks Francis with the shovel until he stops] Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

Brian Griffin: Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter Griffin: [about Mickey] There's got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.
Francis Griffin: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Peter Griffin: [looks up] What?
Francis Griffin: [standing as a ghost from Star Wars along with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You're a fat, stinking drunk!
Obiwan Kenobi: Yes, from what he's told us, that's right on the money.
Yoda: Challenge him you must.
Anikin Skywalker: [walks over as a ghost] And I'm Hayden Christensen.

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?

Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring and he never taught me anything, but still I slap my chest and sing of My Drunken Irish Dad. Oh, his face looks like a railroad map and he never shuts his freakin' trap...
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the clap from your Drunken Irish Dad.
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Reidon and Rooney, they'll tell you the same. McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by. Cafferty, Rafferty Joyce and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry!
Peter, Mickey: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm and our moods infect us like a germ, 'cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm!
Mickey: And we don't tan well either.
All: ...from a Drunken Irish Dad!

Peter Griffin: But there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my Mom and never called her again.
Mickey: Yeah, so what?
Peter Griffin: So what? So let's dance!

"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.

Peter Griffin: Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these bean bags.
Cloris Leachman: I don't know how to juggle...

Peter Griffin: [reads game card] For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aw, man! Doesn't anyone ever win at this game?
Cleveland Brown: You don't win. You just do a little better this time.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!

[Peter kicks open stall door in women's restroom; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Sorry, retarded.
Woman#1: Oh, it's okay.
[Peter kicks open second stall door; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Sorry, don't know any better.
Woman#2: Oh, bless you then.
[Peter kicks open third stall door; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Geez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded!
Woman#3: Oh, you're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

Joe Swanson: Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I just, umm... just recently found out that I'm umm... I'm mentally retarded, and umm... I just wanted to ask, umm... h-how do you deal with it?
Joe Swanson: Peter, I'm handicapped, not retarded.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now we're splittin' hairs.

Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... EEEYEAH! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, FUCKWAD!... I'm... I'm sorry about that.

Peter Griffin: Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read 'em and weep!
Brian Griffin: Um, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact... you're mentally retarded.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian Griffin: Um... maybe.
Peter Griffin: ...Uh oh.
[a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house]
Drunk Driver: Congratulations!

Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Max: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works.
Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?

Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.

Peter Griffin: Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it.

Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.

Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be?
Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!

Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: Thank you!

Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?

Peter Griffin: Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew.

"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Lois, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Peter shoves her down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Shoves Lois down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: Sorry but I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time.

Peter Griffin: [laughs at Lois] You said "nuclear"! It's "nucular" dummy, the S is silent.

[Peter has just eaten all the dehydrated food rations]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter Griffin: Huh. What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water, then immediately balloons to several times his size]
Peter Griffin: Everybody leave. I have to poop. *NOW!*
[the family runs away]

Cleveland Brown: Guns only lead to trouble.
Peter Griffin: That's right. And when trouble comes, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off.

Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Louis back away slowly]

Guy Handing Out Coupons: [to Peter, he holds a coupon out, dressed as a chicken] Excuse me, sir, would you like a coupon?
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, thank you, I don't trust giant chickens any more.
[goes to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Oh, uh, the nice chicken outside gave me a coupon.
Cashier: [looks at coupon] Oh, I'm sorry but this coupon expired yesterday.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at chicken outside] Son of a...
[jumps out window and tackles the chicken]

"Family Guy: Stewie Loves Lois (#5.1)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that was a prostate exam.
Peter Griffin: Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What?
Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: You sound just like him!
[Runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi.
[Runs off giggling]

Stewie Griffin: I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?

Peter Griffin: And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Doctor Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!
Peter Griffin: What!
Doctor Hartman: [points at Peter and smiles] Ehhhhh!
Peter Griffin: [points at Hartman] Ehhhhh!
[Audience applauds]

Peter Griffin: I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be real anal about this.
Peter Griffin: Sphincter.

Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi...
[runs off giggling]

"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: [drunk, to Connie] Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12, but now, you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky skin, burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ball park?

Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

[Brian just confessed to Lois he and Meg made out at the prom]
Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
[cutaway to Lois in the kitchen, standing in front of the knock over trashcan; garbage is scattered all over the floor, Brian enters]
Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.
[Brian farts accidentally and he blows a huge pink bubble of gum from straight-out of his butt until it bursts into a quick, loud pop; Brian turns wide-eyed in shock and embarrassment]

Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
[to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile.
[uses the H in "while"]
Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say?
Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile."
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd.
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement

Meg Griffin: Hey Brian!
Brian Griffin: Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all.
Meg Griffin: Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie.
Brian Griffin: Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?
Meg Griffin: Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair.
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you?

"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey, excuse me, is your refrigerator running, because if it is, it probably runs like you... *very* homosexually.

Peter Griffin: I have an idea. An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Lois Griffin: Oh,the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the Breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.
Peter Griffin: Hold on,Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker.I think you are in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: [drunken clam guy] What did you say?
Peter Griffin: Oh, about the seat or my plow and your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: [Lois punches him] What the hell are you doing?

[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

[Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois Griffin: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter Griffin: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois Griffin: Take 'em off!
Peter Griffin: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.
[the next morning]
Brian Griffin: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian Griffin: Good Lord!
Peter Griffin: I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.
Brian Griffin: It's okay.

Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

Peter Griffin: Run along Stewie, Daddy had a rough night.
Stewie Griffin: Why you tottering fen sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with, excuse me.

"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietam, I mean when a Neo-Conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered deoxymonohydroxinate
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?

Stewie Griffin: Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Peter Griffin: [laughs]
Brian Griffin: [reading Nate Griffin's diary] See, that laugh is in here too. "Hehheheheheehehehe"

Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: Time to be hitting the old dusty trail.

Stewie Griffin: My, nice ones Jeanine, and look at Lisa in all of her glory.

Peter Griffin: I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!

"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Boys there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do. Like taking out Hitler.

Cleveland: [after falling into Spider-Man's net] Hey thanks Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one, isn't that right Peter?
Peter Griffin: Yep Cleveland, apparently everybody gets one.

Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.

Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with...
[reads from the clipboard]
Peter Griffin: a hammock of cake.

Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
[Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!

Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.
[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...

"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?

Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?
Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.

[Stewie sits next to a sullen Meg]
Stewie Griffin: So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou...
Stewie Griffin: Oops, just burped.

Peter Griffin: What was the point of all that? Al it does it shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Augh!

Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort... do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter, are you EATING those?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt... of course I'm eating them!

Peter Griffin: While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort Goldman: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
Peter Griffin: Kathleen Turner... ehh? Let's see how she looks.
[glances at the magazine]
Peter Griffin: Aww, that's a shame.

"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
[Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]

Peter Griffin: There is no Peter, there is only Zuul!

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that
[with disgust]
Stewie Griffin: ... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.

Peter Griffin: Aw, you should've seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]

Cop: I will not put up with this. I'm a Family Guy!
Peter Griffin: Ha! There, he said it!

Jack Nicholson: [in As Good As It Gets] All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets?
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] Ha! He said it.

Superman: [in Superman 4] In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] So that's why this movie is called that.

Stewie Griffin: That is worse than the plot for Baby Mama.
Announcer: What would happen when a 40 year old woman put her eggs inside her 41 year old friend?

Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked.
Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.

"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!

Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yep! Now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there's an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.
Brian: [pause] Can I buy some pot from you?

Peter Griffin: [as a salesman unplugs a display TV, showing Peter's favorite holiday movie] Hey! I was watching that.
TV Shop Owner: It'll be on next Christmas.
Peter Griffin: Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... "nice."

"Family Guy: Don't Make Me Over (#4.4)" (2005)
Meg Griffin: I got a makeover, dad. Don't I look great?
Peter Griffin: Oh, Meg, honey, I always thought you looked beautiful just the way...
[breaks into laughter]
Peter Griffin: Couldn't do that with a straight face! Oh, welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?

Lois Griffin: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter Griffin: No Coke, Pepsi!
[Peter laughs, and Lois walks away]
Peter Griffin: Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff...
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Fallon! Say goodnight, you bum!
[punches Jimmy Fallon over and over]
Peter Griffin: And this is for laughing and looking at the camera during every comedy sketch you've ever been in! Who do you think you are, Carol Burnett? You think she did it so it's all right for you? You haven't earned what she's earned! All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter?

"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Ha, remember your trip to the southwest?
Peter Griffin: [a scene similar to the roadrunner cartoons appears as well as the roadrunner. When it stops, a car comes and hits it. Peter is driving the car] Oh, God, did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile. E. Coyote: [Wile. E. Coyote from the cartoon is in the passenger seat] No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile. E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine just keep going.

Lois Griffin: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

Peter Griffin: You know those Germans. If you don't join the party, they come get you.

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Brian Griffin: Hey, barkeep. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

"Family Guy: Spies Reminiscent of Us (#8.3)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: Here's my impression of John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims.

Peter Griffin: Wow, I can't believe that we are having dinner with 2 of the 3 Ghost Busters.
Chevy Chase: I wasn't in Ghostbusters.

Stewie Griffin: I can't all that happened just by saying the phrase, "My gosh, that Italian family at the next table is really quiet."

Brian Griffin: What are you guys doing in Quahog?
Dan Aykroyd: We are doing research for our next movie.

Peter Griffin: [Recurring line] Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims!

Peter Griffin: Let me show you something that's funny. Okay here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving.
[John Wayne]
Peter Griffin: I'm John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving pilgrims! Happy Thanksgiving pilgrims!
Stewie Griffin: Hahaha, Wheres this guy been?
Dan Aykroyd: Well Mr.Griffin this has been a lot of fun.
Chevy Chase: Lot of fun.
Dan Aykroyd: But we've got to get back over to our place and kind uh- do what... What do we have to do?
Chevy Chase: Roll some joints and get high.
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, we got to do those things.
Peter Griffin: That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives.
Stewie Griffin: Amen.
Dan Aykroyd: No Peter, you're not funny.
Chevy Chase: I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all.
Peter Griffin: I don't get it.
Chevy Chase: You're painfully unfunny.
Peter Griffin: Get the fuck out of my house!

"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do - learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.

Stewie Griffin: [while checking out motel room with a blacklight] Let's see... Oatmeal! Spittle! Semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane.

Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me!

[Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin: [looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me! What are you looking at you... you infantile... stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can... burn in hell...
[falls asleep]

"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school?
Brian Griffin: Well, yes, for Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999?
Brian Griffin: No, that's Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: Oh, the guy who played Sheneneh?
Brian Griffin: That's Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: The drunk crooner?
Brian Griffin: That's Dean Martin.
Peter Griffin: The drink that's best served on the rocks?
Brian Griffin: Martini and Rossi.
Peter Griffin: The guy on West Wing?
Brian Griffin: Martin Sheen.
Peter Griffin: The guy from Platoon?
Brian Griffin: Charlie Sheen.
Peter Griffin: No, the other guy from Platoon.
Brian Griffin: Uh...
Peter Griffin: C'mon...
Brian Griffin: Willem Dafoe?
Peter Griffin: [holds up card] Ooh, sorry. We were looking for Berenger, Tom Berenger. Thanks for playing, Brian, sorry it didn't work out for ya.

Peter Griffin: [looking at the wrong news article] 200 die in train derailment. Oh god, Lois! That is morbidly obese!

Peter Griffin: James, do we really have to watch "Videodrome"?
James Woods: Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate all the subtle nuances of my performance. See, even though that guy is talking, your eye is drawn to me.
Peter Griffin: [unimpressed] Yeah, is there going to be any nudity?
James Woods: Yes, I get naked.

Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.
[in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg]
Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
[Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg]

Adam West: Want some corn?
Brian Griffin: Sure.
[Brian reaches into the bag, but withdraws when his paw becomes sticky with a viscous substance]
Brian Griffin: What kind of corn is this?
Adam West: Creamed corn, I brought it from home. I don't like the corn they have here, it's too crunchy.

"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night, keep it down.
Jasper: Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with the lead pipe.

Peter Griffin: I love having visitors. Except for that time Moby Dick came to stay with us.
[Cut to the Griffin kitchen. Peter and Moby Dick are sitting across from each other]
Moby Dick: Do you have any Raisin Bran?
Peter Griffin: Uh, no. Sorry, we don't.
Moby Dick: Oh. Well, could you maybe get me some?
Peter Griffin: Oh, geez, that's kind of a pain in the... You know, we have Total, and we have some raisins. You could mix them together, that would be kind of like...
Moby Dick: Yeah, it would be like Raisin Bran, but it wouldn't really be Raisin Bran...
Peter Griffin: ...Kinda splittin' hairs here...
Moby Dick: ...Not really doing it for me.
Peter Griffin: What time did you say your flight was again?

Jasper: [exiting the terminal into the airport towards the Griffins, speaking effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [introducing his Filipino partner, Ricardo] Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
Jasper: [campily motions talking on a cellphone]
Jasper: Hello, who's that on the phone?-Temptation!... how does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you over dinner: Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend-Oo-hoh, I'm terrible!

Jasper: Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious: total kitsch, like an Andy Warhol wet-dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous!
Stewie Griffin: You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny: talking about earrings and using words like 'fabulous' and 'delicious' and 'wet'? Uch!-what's next: a workout followed by a romp around a crowded room whilst the music goes...
[makes the sound of a heavy bass beat similar to dance music, whilst Jasper and Ricardo dance in the background: they look confused when Stewie stops the beat]
Stewie Griffin: ?
Jasper: Oh, why d'you stop?

Jasper: [entering terminal with Ricardo, calling to Brian effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [motions to Ricardo, his Filipino partner] Everyone, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
[makes telephone gesture, speaks camply]
Jasper: Hello, whose that on the phone?-Temptation! How does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you all at dinner. Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend:
Jasper: Ooh hoh, I'm terrible!

"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
Brian Griffin: Those are colors

Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.

Peter Griffin: Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland Brown: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.
Quagmire: That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.

Lois Griffin: I'm not getting my tubes tied. You should get a vaectomy.
Peter Griffin: First of all, I don't know what that is. And second, no freakin' way!

Peter Griffin: Lois, men aren't fat, only fat women are fat.

"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab.

Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house?

Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]

Carter Pewterschmidt: [while in a Rigatta, Carter has a yaght, and the Griffans have a tub with a sail]
Carter Pewterschmidt: LOSER!
Peter Griffin: What did he say?
Carter Pewterschmidt: [throws a cell phone at the Griffins]
[Cell phone rings, and Peter picks it up]
Carter Pewterschmidt: I said you're a loser!
Peter Griffin: Who is this?

"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I've got something special for you.
Stewie Griffin: Jell-o, how exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. 2!

Carrot Top: [Using a bow as a prop] Look! A bow tie! Now I'm David Bowie! Now I'm Bo Derek!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie throws several tomahawks which narrowly miss Carrot Top] Oh, very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says, "Ooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter Griffin: I never knew anyone in this family had any talent, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris Griffin: You mean play the piano?
Peter Griffin: No, no, n... umm, yeah!

Peter Griffin: [refusing to accept he's lost] You know I can't ask another human being for directions.
Lois Griffin: Why not?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm a man. Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois?

"Family Guy: There's Something About Paulie (#2.16)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois Griffin: Peter, you know I never drink.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
Peter Griffin: Sure you are. Now.

Peter's Car: Take left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you!
Peter Griffin: Boy that's getting old.

Stewie Griffin: [Upon learning that Lois is the target of a hitman] Oh dear, there are so many people to thank! God, of course, and umm... who else? Oh, this is so unexpected.
[Discreetly checks a list pulled from his pocket]
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, SATAN!

Peter Griffin: What do you want me to do, whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get that thing taken care of.
Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh yeah, I had the doctor look at it.
[Cut to Peter at the doctor's office]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's not a growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the...?
Dr. Hartman: Testicles.

"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews.
[cut to Mel Gibson giving a speech]
Mel Gibson: I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all I'm really sorry about you dirty, underhanded, backstabbing ways. Your number one dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk
Meg Griffin: Mom!
[hides under the covers with Doug]
Lois Griffin: OH, MY, GOD!, you kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with my Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
[Lois looks up to find Meg had left and Brian is standing outside the door]
Brian Griffin: I love you!

Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?

Peter Griffin: I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Brian Griffin: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
Jillian: Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
Brian Griffin: Uh, well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it, uh...
Jillian: Oh! See, yeah, I'm not quite - We can't do this over the phone! You're gonna have to come over.
Brian Griffin: I can't come over! We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
Jillian: No, they don't! Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
Brian Griffin: What? I have to go!
[starts to hang up the phone]
Jillian: Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian Griffin: There you go, sport.
Jillian: Thank you!
[Brian hangs up the phone]

Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous.
[he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]

Peter Griffin: If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.
[pauses then looks to the camera]
Peter Griffin: Yeah.

[Lois has brought Stewie, who is disguised as a girl, to a toddler beauty pageant]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in

Peter Griffin: I have an idea so smart, that my head would explode if I even begin to know what I was talking about!

Stewie Griffin: What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!

Peter Griffin: Lois, Who's The Boss is not a food.
Brian Griffin: Swing and a miss.

Stewie Griffin: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click, click, bloody click PANCAKES!

"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?

[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Peter Griffin: Hey Lois, get ready to laugh, get ready to laugh.
[pops head out of Meg's butt]
Peter Griffin: Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!

Home Supply Employee: Can I help you?
Peter Griffin: yeah, I hate my neighbor and I want to build something crazy out of spite.
Home Supply Employee: well I'll take you to our one up-man-ship aisle

"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [about Nigel] He's Charming. All british men are.
Peter Griffin: Sure Lois, that's what they said about that Benjamin Disraeli guy.
Benjamin Disraeli: [Writing at desk after a pause] You don't know who I am!

Peter Griffin: Thank you, God.
God: You're welcome.

Stewie Griffin: Why can't the English teach their children to speak?

Eliza Pinchley: Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!

Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.

"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?

Stewie Griffin: Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross? AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!

Stewie Griffin: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

"Family Guy: Chick Cancer (#5.7)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey, look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Stewie Griffin: Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are doing you here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie Griffin: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?" You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
[Olivia starts crying]
Stewie Griffin: So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
Olivia: [still sobbing] That sounds wonderful.

Peter Griffin: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Stewie Griffin: Uh, what's for dinner
Olivia: [grabs the Play-Doh Fun Factory Machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie Griffin: [pauses] Oh.
Olivia: [stops making the Play-Doh spaghetti] What?
Stewie Griffin: No, no, it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night
[under breath]
Stewie Griffin: and that's all we had last night.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie Griffin: That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?

Stewie Griffin: Sorry, we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.
Olivia: Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times 'til we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great place to get mugged.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all MY money in both OUR wallets.

"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...
[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.

Stewie Griffin: Hey New Brian bad news. You gotta leave.
New Brian: What are you talking about? This is my home
Stewie Griffin: Nobody likes you here man
New Brian: Well I disagree I think everyone likes me
Stewie Griffin: No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den
New Brian: Well Rupert seemed to like my humping
Stewie Griffin: What did you say?
New Brian: Rupert. I humped him for *two* hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie Griffin: Did he?
New Brian: Yeah and now every time you sleep with him he's gonna be thinking of me
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street]

Peter Griffin: [reading from a note written by Stewie pretending to be New Brian] "And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up and put myself in the garbage". Wow he must've had some demons.

[last lines]
Stewie Griffin: [He is sitting in the shower washing Rupert] We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I-I don't blame you.

Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!

"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: We need to try divert the fact that were outsiders. Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
[Points at Aisan guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
[Points at another Aisan guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies.
[to Peter]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, its Ethen Hawke.
Peter Griffin: No i'm not.
Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake.
[At Chris]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, it's Eathen Hawke.
Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go now?
Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle.
Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy.
Jackie Chan: Yes you are!

[Sees a sumo wrestler]
Peter Griffin: Wow, you put on weight, Jackie Chan.

Peter Griffin: Quagmire, what are you doing here?
Glen Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity-giggity-giggity-goooo!

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian Griffin: Um, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence."
[cut to scene from "The Age of Innocence]
Daniel Day-Lewis: [in character] It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
Winona Ryder: [flat accent] That would be MOST good, Newland. MOST good.
Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, drops accent] I'm sorry, but she is just awful! Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great. All right, we got a movie.

"Family Guy: Baby Not on Board (#7.4)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.

Peter Griffin: Ground Zero. So this is were the first guy got AIDS.
Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the sight of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian Griffin: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter Griffin: So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Peter Griffin: Hey there, Crashy. Whatcha doin' down there?

Stewie Griffin: Mummy, Daddy, Chris, Dog, Brian! They're home!

"Family Guy: Death Is a Bitch (#2.6)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?
[thug hits him with pool stick and Peter isn't hurt]
Peter Griffin: Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons' friend, Richard Simmons?

Peter Griffin: I can't kill those kids! Then I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...
Peter Griffin: [slowly rolls eyes toward camera] ... except for the fine programming on Fox.
[smiles innocently]

Lois Griffin: Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't die.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Lois Griffin: That's it.

Death: Wait, don't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers that I am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequences will be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Death: That's it, what the hell do you see in him?

"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.

Peter Griffin: [after seeing Brian masturbating in the bathroom] Do we - do we rub his nose in it?

Peter Griffin: Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.
[cut to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
[Peter clicks the mouse; a fist flies out of the monitor and punches Peter in the face]

Brian Griffin: I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
Charles Foster Kane: [Couple watching 'Citizen Kane'] Rosebud
Peter Griffin: [Video cuts to Peter] It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There I just saved you two long boobless hours

"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.

Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.
Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way.
Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
[Peter starts singing to "Surfin' Bird"]

Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.
[He begins to talk like a film noir detective]
Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.
[Chris pulls the trigger and water shoots out of the gun onto Peter's chest. Chris laughs]
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.

"Family Guy: Jerome Is the New Black (#8.7)" (2009)
Glen Quagmire: You wanna maybe just go?
Brian Griffin: Quagmire, come on. I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to try hard?
Brian Griffin: Nobody, but I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: ...Okay, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for notching, you always say "Oh, I'll get you later" but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interruption of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should had known You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.
Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!

Peter Griffin: Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty!
Man #1: [cut to a man in his house, holding a York peppermint patty]
Man #1: When I bite into a York peppermint patty, I get the sensation...
[he bites into the patty. Cut to him standing on a mountain]
[cut to the man, still on the mountain, writing in a diary]
Man #1: It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York peppermint patty, and still I have made no progress in finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York peppermint patty, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.
[another man appears, holding a York peppermint patty]
[the first man punches the second and takes a bite out of his leg]

Brian Griffin: How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but later never comes! And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much - he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have YOU done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen YOU down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.
Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak!

Brian Griffin: [Brian has found out Quagmire hates him, and is trying to make friends over dinner] Quagmire, c'mon, I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to "try hard"?
Brian Griffin: Nobody. But all, I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try be nice to you, and you still don't like me, how can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: OK. I'll tell you.
Glen Quagmire: You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food, and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing, you're always saying "Oooh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me? Is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of "Catcher in the Rye," and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation about Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual.
Glen Quagmire: He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat - and that's why you like him so much. He's you! God, you're pretentious. And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note - she would have known there was no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate about you most is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how Big Business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have *you* done to help? I work down in the soup kitchen, Brian - never seen you down there. You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way - driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh! Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ! Or any religion for that matter, because
[mockingly ]
Glen Quagmire: "religion is for idiots." Well, who the hell are *you* to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all that - all of it. If you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian - you're just a big, sad, alcoholic *bore*.
Glen Quagmire: See you, Brian. Thanks for the f***ing steak.

"Family Guy: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (#5.13)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it.
Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!
Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!

Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house?
Peter Griffin: Ah. Why aren't you?
Carter Pewterschmidt: You're alright, Griffin.

Peter Griffin: I haven't felt this great in years! I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the fruity accent or the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

Peter Griffin: I love prank calls.
Bill Clinton: [on the phone] Is this Linda Tripp?
Linda Tripp: Yes?
Bill Clinton: You shouldn't have talked you stupid bitch! I hope you die!
[Bill slams the phone down. Peter is obviously uncomfortable]
Peter Griffin: Uh Bill that wasn't a prank call. That was just unpleasant.

"Family Guy: Road to Rhode Island (#2.13)" (2000)
Woman In Bar: I think you've had enough to drink
Brian Griffin: [Obviously drunk] I, I think you're wrong you increasingly attractive looking woman.
Woman In Bar: [smiles obviously flattered]
Brian Griffin: You could be in magazines. You could. And not just Jugs or Creamsicle.
Woman In Bar: [Walks away in disgust]

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie finds Brian drinking in a bar] Oh here's a pleasant sight; Cirrhosis the wonderdog.

[Brian and Stewie are catching a ride with Hispanic workers in Texas]
Brian Griffin: Hola! Um... me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um... Let's see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Migrant Worker: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es", just "me llamo Brian".
Brian Griffin: Oh! So you speak English!
Migrant Worker: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian Griffin: You... you're kidding, right?
Migrant Worker: Que?

Brian Griffin: [Slurred speech] I'm not drunk, I have a speech impediment.
[Vomits on the bar]
Brian Griffin: ... and a stomach virus.
[Falls off bar stool]
Brian Griffin: ... and an inner-ear infection.

"Family Guy: Mind Over Murder (#1.4)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: I can't even watch tv anymore All the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [Bert and Ernie are spooning in bed together when the phone rings] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Hangs up, puts on a pair of dirty jeans and takes a swig of liquor]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
Peter Griffin: No, I hit your dad.
Bystander: Whoa, stand back, give her some air.
Peter Griffin: You mean... give him some air.
Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
Peter Griffin: Y-you mean he's going into labor.
[a baby starts crying offscreen]
Peter Griffin: Whoops.

Cleveland Brown: Oh, that's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
[Cutaway to the bar]
Peter Griffin: Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Oh, oh, wait a second...
[to his right, there are Jewish people, and to his left, Chinese people]
Peter Griffin: Okay, a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, and there's this naked priest sitting there, and he- ooh, sorry, Father.
Naked Priest: No, I've heard 'em all.

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter Griffin: Hey, listen pal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
[She is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffin: Now hang on a second there!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
[She has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. Your wife's hot!
Peter Griffin: All right that's it!

"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Hey Stewie.
[looking down, seeing Homer Simpson after Stewie ran over him]
Peter Griffin: Who the hell is that?

Peter Griffin: Oh Lois you are so full of
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: . What? Now I can't say
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: in my own
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: house?
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: Great Lois, just
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: great. You know you're lucky you're good at
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: my
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about when
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: you lubed up
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: toothpaste in my
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: while you
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: on a cherry
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: extension cord
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: wetness
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket? That is the best.

Stewie Griffin: Good Day to you sir. And now prepare to die.

Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!

"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: You know, this may not be cool, just throwing it out there, she *was* suicidal.
Death: Rally?

Stewie Griffin: You call those cheap implants "boobs"? They're LIES!

Stewie Griffin: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.
[Lois and Peter are seen reading something on the sofa]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, what's this word?
Lois Griffin: "Evel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Knievel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... was..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... born..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... in..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Montana."
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?

Stewie Griffin: By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? They're not boobs! They're LIES!

"Family Guy: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater (#2.1)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Oh come on Lois. It's time to act like the piece of schmidt you are
Lois Griffin: It's Pewterschmidt

Brian Griffin: Try something like this. Good morning, lovely weather we're having.
Peter Griffin: Good morning, lovely weather we're having. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his head bashed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex.
Brian Griffin: Okay, my work here is done but just for the heck of it let's try again.

Brian Griffin: All right Peter, I've hooked you up to a chair where the right TV is tuned to Frasier and the left TV is tuned to Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the left TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.
Peter Griffin: I'll do it!
Niles Crane: Frasier,you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit AROUND the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa.
Peter Griffin: Wow, this really is the smartest show on TV!
Guy on Ricki Lake: Yo Ricki, she's my girlfriend, she's not supposed to be havin' no penis!
Peter Griffin: [Brian shocks Peter for looking at left TV] Aaaaaaaaaaagh!

Peter Griffin: [to Lois] Yeah, it just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.
[Flash to Peter at Christmas in front of a fireplace at Lois' parents. "The First Noel" is playing in the background. Carter throws his pocket watch in front of the fireplace]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, would you be a sport and fetch it for me?
Peter Griffin: Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
[Carter kicks Peter into the fire. He screams and runs and is on fire]
Peter Griffin: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh dear, we've got to put that out!
[Carter beats Peter with a log]
Peter Griffin: Ow Ow Ow Ow!

"Family Guy: Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (#3.3)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Lois, this is the best job I've ever had! Hey, since I've become President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Hahahahahha.
Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot? Joel!
Milano's Lawyer: I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.

Stewie Griffin: Baby needs to suck ash! BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert save it for the interns.

Parking Director: Oh, No need to park here, Mr. Griffin, you have an executive parking space now.
Peter Griffin: Well... that looks exactly like my old space.
Parking Director: Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck up!
Company Suck Up: Morning, Mr. Griffin! Nice Day!
Peter Griffin: Ehhh, It's a little cloudy.
Company Suck Up: Exactly! It's one of the worst days I've seen in years! So, good news about the Yankees!
Peter Griffin: I hate the Yankees.
Company Suck Up: Pack of cheaters! That's what they are! I Love your tie!
Peter Griffin: I hate this tie.
Company Suck Up: It's awful, it's scotty, it's gotta go.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] And I hate myself.
Company Suck Up: I hate you, too! You make me sick, you fat sack o' crap!
Peter Griffin: But I'm the President.
Company Suck Up: The Best There Is!
Peter Griffin: [Right Away]
Peter Griffin: But you just said you hated me!
Company Suck Up: [Begins to jiggle] But. Not. You. The President. That you. Said hated you. Who loved. Hate Yankees. Clouds.
[Head explodes, sending gadgets and wires everywhere]
Parking Director: I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

Chris Griffin: [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game] Look at what I made!
[Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign]
Meg Griffin: What does that mean?
Brian Griffin: [reading John 3:16 from the bible] And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'

"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [in reference to the fish Joe's son caught that broke the line] Heh heh! Looks like that's the one that got away!
Joe Swanson: The hell it is!
[hands a gun to Kevin]
Joe Swanson: You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!
[pause, softer]
Joe Swanson: God, I love him.

Joe Swanson: Nice going, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, up yours, Joe.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: Thanks!

Peter Griffin: [to Cleveland, Jr] Uh,
[close up on the two]
Peter Griffin: just once, uh, for me, would, would you call me Mr. Drummond?

Peter Griffin: Ah, great shot, Cleveland Junior.
Cleveland Jr.: Thanks Mr Drummond.
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, for today, can you call me Mr. Popadopolis?
Cleveland Jr.: You got it.
Peter Griffin: And would ya hate me if I called you Webster?
Cleveland Jr.: That's the line!

"Family Guy: Meet the Quagmires (#5.18)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

Brian Griffin: Hey, I like your dress.
Woman: Get lost, jerk. I'm here with my boyfriend.
Brian Griffin: You mean that quintessential '80's guy, with his collar turned all the way up?
Man: [With a ridiculously high collar] Hey, are you hitting on my girlfriend?
Brian Griffin: No, I was just being friendly.
Man: I can kick your ass, anywhere, anytime!
Brian Griffin: Okay, how about on top of the World Trade Center, September 11th, 2001 at 8 am?
Man: I will be there, pal. You think I'll forget, but I won't!

Brian Griffin: [to 18-year-old Lois in 1984] Can I Wham my Oingo Boingo into your Velvet Underground?

Brian Griffin: Wow. 18 year old Lois. Son of a bitch.

"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could...

Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Trying to watch "Mr. Belvedere".
Chris Griffin: So, my advice to the two of you would be...

Stewie Griffin: You're so pretty... You're always pretty.

Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...
[Brian and Stewie notice Peter and Lois lying on the couch, nude]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is.
Peter Griffin: He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.
[both laugh hysterically]
Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!

"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Diane Simmons: Peter, do you think there may be any validity to what Meg is feeling?

Brian Griffin: [upon seeing Peter's penis] Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.

Stewie Griffin: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her to not be alive anymore.

Peter: [after taking communion] That was the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Wow! He must've been loaded 24-hours a day, huh?

"Family Guy: Fat Guy Strangler (#4.17)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.
Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[cut to Lois helping Peter out of the bar]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.

[Peter is seen taking his physical alongside Lois]
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?
[Doctor pulls out the comics]
Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[Looks at Peter]
Doctor: Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[Opens booklet and screams]
Doctor: [Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: There's a spider in here!
[Turns to them]
Doctor: Now, here we go.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this...
[Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]
Doctor: ... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.

Lois Griffin: [the Doctor is examining Peter] So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My Goodness! You'll be dead within a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [picks up a comic boook] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up this lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[to Peter]
Doctor: Now, on to you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, hah?
Doctor: Well, Mr.Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[picks up a chart]
Doctor: AH!
[drops it]
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: There's a spider in here.
[shakes the chart, the spider crawls out]
Doctor: Now, here we go. Mr.Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: [picks up a video tape] - when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim BAsinger? B-BAEsinger? B-BaesinGer? Basinger? Hm. But now, on to the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God!
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July. Now on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: My son got a D-minus on his history test. Now, Mr.Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [takes a plate out of the microwave] It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... Please... We can't take anymore shtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Brian Griffin: Look!
[Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.

"Family Guy: Untitled Griffin Family History (#4.27)" (2006)
Peter Hitler: Hey there you are! Ready to go see that new skin flick at the boobengarden?
Adolf Hitler: Can't you see I'm busy?
Peter Hitler: What are you doing? Stuff?
Adolf Hitler: Yes.
Peter Hitler: Nazi stuff?
Adolf Hitler: Yes, Peter, Nazi stuff.
Peter Hitler: Can I help?
Adolf Hitler: No, Peter. Just let me work, alright?
Peter Hitler: Alright.
[sits in chair, hits hand on arm rest while mouthing fart noises, gets some tape and puts it over his nose]
Peter Hitler: Addy. Addy. I'm Tojo... I'm... Look, I'm Tojo. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, I am from Japan.
Adolf Hitler: Will you stop that?
Peter Hitler: Can I borrow 50 marks?
Adolf Hitler: What happened to the 50 marks from last week?
Peter Hitler: Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooooh.

Peter Griffin: I have a confession to make, I did not like The Godfather.

Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God!
Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call.
Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.

Brian Griffin: [points to Peter's panic room] Peter, what is that?
Peter Griffin: Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie "The Butterfly Effect". I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. I wish I could escape to a place where this movie couldn't find me."

"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
[Meg offers to host the baby]
Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!

[discussing scenarios where abortion is acceptable]
Brian Griffin: What if it's rape?
Peter Griffin: Well she shouldn't have asked me for directions.
Brian Griffin: What?

Peter Griffin: I can't believe she went ahead and did it, after I specifically told her how I felt.
Brian Griffin: Well clearly she believed it was within her right to...
[begins sniffing the air]
Brian Griffin: Lois just peed on something.
[Quagmire pops through the window]
Glen Quagmire: Hey Brian, you picking up on that?
Brian Griffin: Yep.

[Meg offers to host the baby]
Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!

"Family Guy: Three Kings (#7.15)" (2009)
[last lines]
Peter Griffin: Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.

[first lines]
Peter Griffin: Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me", about four young boys who went looking for a dead body, and instead found... themselves... and also a dead body.

[after the first commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's "Misery".

[after the second commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Everybody still awake? Alright, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story where the guy went up to the empty hotel and there were those creepy twins and the guy was running around with that ax and the kid talked to his finger? Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption".

"Family Guy: Mr. Saturday Knight (#3.9)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [dressed up like female prostitute] Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car!
Peter Griffin: But it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
Lois Griffin: I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
Brian Griffin: It means that he'll...
[gets interrupted]
Peter Griffin: Be cool.

The Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Black Knight: You see that kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!
Peter Griffin: Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then he ran off, he got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it!
Peter Griffin: Well actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle.
Peter Griffin: But after today, only half the people who've called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!

"Family Guy: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (#3.22)" (2003)
Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"

Peter Griffin: [singing] Nothing else has worked so far/So I'll wish upon a star/Wondrous, dancing speck of light/I need a Jew/Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our checkbook looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew/Where to find/A Baum or Steen or Stein/To teach me how to whine and do my taxes?

Peter Griffin: They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.

"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at when you're talking to them.

Lois Griffin: Peter, one of these days I'm gonna need to use the mirror.
Peter Griffin: Oh beans, I can't get this spit curl to... Wait a minute. Lois, what day is it?
Lois Griffin: Thursday.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Oh God, I am late!
Lois Griffin: Well, if you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter Griffin: No, I mean I am 'late' late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois Griffin: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter Griffin: Well, I don't have a lot of options, I'm Catholic! God, I thought you would be happy for me!

Gloria Ironbox: Mr. Griffin, I am Gloria Ironbox. I represent Sarah Bennett one of your co-workers who is filing sexual harrassment charges against you.
Peter Griffin: Sarah... Sarah... Oh! Is she one we videotaped taking a dump?

"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Dylan: Knock-knock.
Brian Griffin: Who's there?
Dylan: You're there.
Brian Griffin: I'll always be there, Dylan.

Peter Griffin: Hey Brian what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood.
Glen Quagmire: I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.
Joe Swanson: Listen Brian there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.
Brian Griffin: That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.
Cleveland: Brian I want to punch you in the dick right now.

"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
Stewie Griffin: [playing Banjo and Singing] Heard her on my C.B. said her name was Mimi, sounded like an angel come to Earth.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Come to Earth.
Stewie Griffin: [singing] But when i went to meet her, boy you should have seen her, twice as big as me, three times the girth.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Times the Girth.
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Oh my big baby loves to eat.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Loves to eat.
Stewie Griffin: A big old Budda belly and breasts way past her feet. Oh my big baby loves to e-e-eat, my big old fat-ass baby loves to eat.
[finishes playing]
Stewie Griffin: I've got blisters on me fingers!

Peter Griffin: Hey uh Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
[Bird hits the outhouse, knocking it over]
Peter Griffin: Ugh! Oh God! It's everywhere! Ugh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh God!

Peter Griffin: I dunno, Brian, maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.
[Peter is seen at a job interview]
Interviewer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking] Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife.
Peter Griffin: [out loud] Doing your...
[sees a picture of the interviewer's son]
Peter Griffin: son?

"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: Brown is the color of poo.
Brian Griffin: Yes, yes it is.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

[Stewie is electronically controlling Chris and is waiting outside the hardware store while Chris goes inside]
Stewie Griffin: All right, now walk up to the counter.
[Chris does]
Stewie Griffin: That's it, ring the bell!
[he does]
Shopkeep: Well, hi there.
Stewie Griffin: Good day, shopkeep.
Chris Griffin: [parroting] Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeep: What?
Stewie Griffin: It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!
Shopkeep: Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris Griffin: Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?
Shopkeep: [stares in confusion]

"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: [after receiving news that he's being laid off] Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.
[flashback to Peter and Richard Gere standing outside. An Easter egg is lying on the ground in front of Peter]
Richard Gere: Okay, find the Easter egg.
Peter Griffin: I know where it is. It's in your butt!
Richard Gere: No.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... I know the story. It's in your butt!
Richard Gere: Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it.
Peter Griffin: Nope, in your butt!
Richard Gere: Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor!
Peter Griffin: In your butt!
Richard Gere: Mr. Griffin-
Peter Griffin: [interrupting] Butt!
Richard Gere: Mr. Griffin-
Peter Griffin: [interrupting] Butt!
Richard Gere: You know what? Just get the hell out of here!
Peter Griffin: Fine! Weirdo!
[a rodent crawls out from Richard Gere's pant legs, grabs the Easter Egg, and runs back into the pant legs]

Peter Griffin: Who's sober enough to drive?
Peter Griffin: OK, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk, that you're a better driver because you know you're drunk. You know the kinda drunk that you probably shouldn't drive but you do anyway, because... come on, you gotta get a car home, right, I mean what do they expect me to do? Take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus!
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.

TV Announcer: We now return to Showgirls...
Peter Griffin: Yeah!
TV Announcer: -on TBS.
Peter Griffin: Aww.

"Family Guy: Stew-Roids (#7.13)" (2009)
Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!

Stewie Griffin: And now, here's something we hope you really like.

Stewie Griffin: [singing] I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy.
[He stops singing and turns to Brian]
Stewie Griffin: That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!

"Family Guy: Brian Goes Back to College (#4.15)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [to Brian] So, how'd the test go?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
[Griffins react in shock]
Brian Griffin: Yes, I failed. But the important thing is that I finished what I started and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: [pause] Well, you should have cheated.
[Griffins mutter to each other in agreement]
Brian Griffin: But I finished what I started and that's all that matters, right?
Lois Griffin: [Another pause] No.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, what are you, out of your mind?
[Griffins mutter to each other again in agreement]
Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!
[Runs away in shame]

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Oh come on, plenty of people cheat!
[cut to Ashley Simpson about to sing, deep voiced soul song comes on, Ashley Simpson panics and jigs off the stange]

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
Peter Griffin: Ah, what's the point? You know, I thought I could help people out with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

"Family Guy: Brian Does Hollywood (#3.2)" (2001)
Director: [to Lois] You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois Griffin: [gasps and nudges Peter] Peter!
Peter Griffin: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years.

Bill Cosby: You like jump rope, don't you?
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie is being hypnotized] I like jump rope.
Bill Cosby: All right, then you are going to sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie Griffin: I'm going to sit here and enjoy it, and I like pudding, and Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Stewie Griffin: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, isn't Stewie a little young to be potty trained? You remember what happened to the Lindberg baby.
[Cut to Lindberg bathroom. Charles Jr. is sitting on the toilet]
Martha Lindberg: Charles, do you know what you're doing?
Charles Lindberg: Honey, will you relax? I flew across the Atlantic, I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I can handle...
[Charles Jr. flushes himself down the toilet]
Charles Lindberg: Oh God! Oh God!
Charles Lindberg: Okay... He was kidnapped. You call the police, I'll write the ransom note.
Martha Lindberg: [Pointing to Amelia Earhardt] What about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindberg: You leave her to me.

Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

Lois Griffin: It's just my noodle kaboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though.
Brian Griffin: Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you
Lois Griffin: Its just noodle kaboodle.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what are these hard things?
Lois Griffin: M & M's. I ran out of paprika.

"Family Guy: Whistle While Your Wife Works (#5.5)" (2006)
Jillian: Think about this: Have you ever seen the sun and the moon at the same time?
Peter Griffin: [gasps] They're the same person!
Brian Griffin: [to Jillian] You're brilliant!

Stewie Griffin: Mmm... Jillian, this is some good lemonade!
Jillian: Yeah.
Jillian: I'm just sad they had to kill so many lemons to make it...

Stewie Griffin: [about Brian's girlfriend Jillian] It's like she's fucking five!

"Family Guy: A Hero Sits Next Door (#1.5)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Bonnie Swanson: The movers tracked grease all over the carpet. I've tried everything to get it out.
Lois Griffin: What about lemon juice?
Fan at ball game: What about club soda?
Stewie Griffin: What about shutting the hell up?

Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hiya, Joe.
Joe Swanson: Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, don't get up.
Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean?
Joe Swanson: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver.
Peter Griffin: [moans] Are you kidding? You could borrow whatever you want.
Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you?
Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again.
Joe Swanson: I don't want to impose.
Peter Griffin: No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh?
Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun.
Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be illegal, like copyrighted infringement.
[Peter's face transforms into Mickey Mouse]
Peter Griffin: [in Mickey Mouse voice] Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!

"Family Guy: Brian Sings & Swings (#4.19)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: Hey Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, a lot of hungry deer out at this time of night. Oh, this is where the story gets interesting. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear. I managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-11. So when you're ready to apologize to me just talk into this cup.

Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.
Peter Griffin: [Cuts to a court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by only white people] Awful lotta Honkies in here.

Stewie Griffin: Urgh, if he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
Dan LaFontaine: [Picture of Stewie on screen] One's a baby.
[Picture of The Rock on screen]
Dan LaFontaine: and the other's... black. I think. At least part black. Or... Hispanic, I think. You know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he - if he's black, it's definitely diluted. I mean one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were forty years younger I would plow that till next July.

"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?
Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...
Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
[punches the screen and tears it]
Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!
[back to present]
Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?
Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
[everyone cheers, but Peter walks to the stage and punches him; back to present]
Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]

Peter Griffin: [Spying Lois from outside to the restourant with binoculars] What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore?
[He looks at Peter]
Quagmire: Oh, know you, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dyalipsis? As in my fantasy? Oh, you know what? Let's start over, Hi! I'm Quagmire!
[He reaches his hand to Peter]

Peter Griffin: [Trying to hear Lois with her old boyfriend in a restourant from the policial van of Joe, turning round the knob] Wait I got to hear more!
Joe Swanson: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!
Quagmire: [Guys hear Quagmire's thoughts] Damn, this itches, I wonder who gave it to me, problably that skank that needed a ride in the gas station, it's the last time I do somebody a favor... Oh, they must have heard me, oh God! I can hear me...
[starts singing, watching everywhere while Joe, Peter and Cleveland are watching him]

"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: [talking to Meg] No speakie until the man speakie to you.

Brian Griffin: Do you rent or own?
Pearl Burton: What?
Brian Griffin: Those wings, you angel.

Brian Griffin: [Trying to sell a product at the mall to a passer-by] Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
[Is punched in the face]

"Family Guy: Business Guy (#8.9)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?

Dr. Gregory House: House.
Peter Griffin: Road House.
Dr. Gregory House: That too.

"Family Guy: The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (#4.5)" (2005)
[Loretta moaning in the background]
Brian Griffin: Hey do you hear that?
Peter Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter Griffin: Wha... What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian Griffin: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter Griffin: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian Griffin: What are you insane?
Peter Griffin: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian Griffin: It's summer.
Peter Griffin: Bobcat?
Brian Griffin: Rarroar Roarrroaarrr
Peter Griffin: Loretta's in trouble? Come on boy!
[Brian looks down at the ground knowing he lost a bit of his dignity]

Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him! He can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Peter! He's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!

"Family Guy: From Method to Madness (#3.18)" (2002)
Stewie Griffin: I'd like to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

[Stewie and Olivia have just finished their duet]
Simon: Watch this. Are you watching?
[Stewie and Olivia nod]
Simon: [Simon slaps himself] That's for me ever having doubted you. A+!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie slaps Simon] And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! Eeuhw!
[laughs and looks to Olivia]
Stewie Griffin: I totally called him on it.

"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bitch! You got jacked, bitch!

Brian Griffin: I'll be in the basement.
Lois Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: Whaddaya think?

"Family Guy: Stewie Kills Lois (#6.4)" (2007)
Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship's Captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.
Peter Griffin: What girl?
Lois Griffin: The *lead* in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Lois Griffin: No it wasn't!
Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.

"Family Guy: No Meals on Wheels (#5.14)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: [buried beneath a pile of cripples and Ben Stiller has landed] Ben Stiller, help me.
Ben Stiller: No, Peter. I've heard what you've said about my movies.
Peter Griffin: How did you hear?
Ben Stiller: [pointing at his huge ears, speaking angrily] Uh, hello!
Peter Griffin: Go to hell you mutant offspring of comedy people.

[Brian is sitting on the couch reading a book; Peter sneaks up behind him laughing and shocks him]
Brian Griffin: Ow! Damn it, Peter! Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate!
[cut to Brian and his roommate watching TV]
Woman: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.
Roommate: Yes!
Brian Griffin: What the hell?
Brian Griffin, Roommate: What?
[both take out guns and aim at each other]
Brian Griffin: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

"Family Guy: If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (#2.9)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [about the Golden Idol his followers have built of him] Wow! I look like an Emmy!
Peter Griffin: [pause] Hint, hint.

[the Griffins are being terrorized by the Biblical Plagues]
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter Griffin: Good, 'cause this is really starting to get old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son.
Peter Griffin: Oh no, Stewie!
Brian: The *first* born son.
Peter Griffin: Meg!
Brian: [flatly] You wife.
Peter Griffin: Chris!

"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room.
Guy: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter Griffin: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.
Guy: Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

[first lines]
Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

"Family Guy: Back to the Woods (#6.9)" (2008)
[Peter and his friends have heard about an upcoming Barry Manilow concert]
Joe Swanson: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you know we should do? We should go, just as a goof.
Quagmire: That would be hilarious.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
Cleveland: All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
Peter Griffin: I mean he's got like one good song.
Quagmire: Yeah... I mean "Mandy" is not terrible.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, the opening is okay.
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana".
Quagmire: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Joe Swanson: "Daybreak" is a good song.
Cleveland: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: That's a good song. And I like "Weekend in New England".
Quagmire: Yeah, that's a good one. "Looks Like We Made It".
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's not bad.
Quagmire: Right.
[long pause]
Joe Swanson: [sotto voice] I love Barry Manilow.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, he's the best!
Quagmire: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me too, in my car!
Peter Griffin: We have to go to that concert!

David Letterman: Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Now please welcome out next guest Mr.James Woods.
[Peter shows up in a suit]
David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
Peter Griffin: [shows Dave his cards] Oh I believe I am. Driver's licence. Social Security. American Master Card.
James Woods: What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I guess you are James Woods. Now let me understand what are you here to promote James?
Peter Griffin: Well Dave I have a hilarious new comedy coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11 Two thousand Fun.
[Audience gasps]
James Woods: No. No. No. No. No.
David Letterman: James that sounds unbeliveably offensive to Americans.
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard what the movie's all about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center and then I turn around to get off the scaffold and what do I see coming, a plane. And I go 'Come on'. You it's real old style comedy. It's like two pies in the face and one in the field of Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear anymore about this.
Peter Griffin: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What, I would never work with David Spade. That dwarf, that skinny chicken shit.

"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Well how about you just give me your pen?
Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Adam West: No!

Chris Griffin: I was going to school, and this guy won't let me.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
[points to soldiers in street]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's a good army.

"Family Guy: Dammit Janet (#2.15)" (2000)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. I don't suppose you have any Valium on you? Of course not. You're living the clean life now.

Lois Griffin: I'm so bored without Stewie around, I don't know what to do.
Brian Griffin: We could get hammered.

"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Fat guys.

Peter Griffin: [Reading blurbs on the box to 'Pretty Woman] This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches. So, I went to the doctor and got myself checked out. I'm currently waiting results- Gene Siskel

"Family Guy: Death Lives (#3.6)" (2001)
Cleveland Brown: That truck's coming up on us awful fast.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks in the rear-view mirror and sees a pickup truck full of Klu Klux Klansmen] Holy crap! Do you see what I see?
Cleveland Brown: I sure do.
Peter Griffin: Were being chased by ghosts!

[Peter has just been offered two million dollars by Carter Pewterschmidt to leave Lois]
Peter Griffin: Lois might be worth a million dollars to you but to me she's worthless.

"Family Guy: Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure (#4.30)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: You will not call them Mommy and Daddy! It's Lois and the Fat Man, do you understand me?

Stewie Griffin: All right, that's it! I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job, but now you're telling me I'm a 35 year-old ''Parade'' magazine reading virgin? Well you sir are pathetic! So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul on this sad thing you call "our life"!

"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Brian Griffin: [Brian and Peter are assembling a bassinet] Now insert tab A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what sh...
Brian Griffin: If you say, "That's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

[Stewie is singing "Up Where We Belong" from "An Officer and a Gentleman," Peter and Lois are near tears]
Lois Griffin: Oh, I love you Peter!
Peter Griffin: And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!

"Family Guy: Blind Ambition (#4.3)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, he's just a little mixed up.
[That man sized yellow chicken from Da Boom tackles him out of nowhere and another fight occurs between them]

Tom Tucker: [Outside the burning Drunken Clam bar where Peter is helping Horace escape the fire] Here comes the blind hero now. Tell me sir, how were you able to summon up the courage to enter that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freakin' place was on fire?

"Family Guy: Extra Large Medium (#8.12)" (2010)
Stewie Griffin: Hey Chris, did you know your bacne spells 'Citibank' in braille?

Peter Griffin: I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress.
[Peter goes into a trance]
Peter Griffin: Hi everybody it's me Lou Costello! Alright, what's the name of the guy we're looking for?
Joe Swanson: Well, he's an Asian fellow, Melvin Hu.
Peter Griffin: That's what I want to find out.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: The name of the guy.
Joe Swanson: Melvin Hu.
Peter Griffin: Are you a cop?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: You handling this case?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: Then what's the name of the guy?
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy we're looking for.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy who's buried.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy with the bomb.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: What street does he live on?
Joe Swanson: First.
Peter Griffin: [Explosion in the background. Melvin Hu's severed leg and rubble fall in front of Joe and Peter] Yeah, I'm not psychic.

"Family Guy: McStroke (#6.8)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome.
Brian Griffin: I think it's gay.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!
Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.

Peter Griffin: [Peter and Brian are inside a slaughterhouse] My God! What is this?
Brian Griffin: This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
The Cow: Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow.
Peter Griffin: DaCow?
The Cow: DaCow. Except we spell the chau part C-O-W, like cow. So it's kind of, uh... eh, sort of a dark joke.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's, that's really funny.

"Family Guy: Road to Europe (#3.20)" (2002)
Stewie Griffin: Hey... shut up!

Peter Griffin: No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois. Not even Peter Criss!

"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows?
Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death!
Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death?
Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat!
Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands!
[crashing sound, gasps and screams are heard]
Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomabily ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back!
[crashing sound and groans are heard]
Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phoenemes necessary to convey dread and terror!
Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet!
[crashing sound and screams are heard]
Woman: My baby's dead!
Peter Griffin: It's over.

[last lines]
Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.
[the horse crashes through a window and lands on the table]
Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!

"Family Guy: Dog Gone (#8.8)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out small, then move onto one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The orginization.
Peter Griffin: What orginization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago?
Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her.
Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there.
Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you were supposed to leave. What are you still doing here?
Consuela: I wait for rain to stop.
Peter Griffin: It's supposed to rain all night. It's time for you to go now.
Consuela: No, I stay.
Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night.
Consuela: Uh... I stay here?
Peter Griffin: No... I'm not so sure about that.
Consuela: I stay here.

"Family Guy: Holy Crap (#2.2)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Dad, my God, are you okay?
Francis Griffin: [Francis slaps Peter in the face] Don't be using the Lord's name in vain.
Peter Griffin: He's okay, thank God.
[Francis slaps Peter again]

The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin: Of course, right over there is Harvard.
The Pope: That's just a barn.
Peter Griffin: Ooh, someone went to Yale.

"Family Guy: Lois Kills Stewie (#6.5)" (2007)
[Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from "American Dad!" confront Brian and Stewie after Stewie gains control of the world's power grid]
Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.
[Realizing they have no choice, Stan and Bullock lower their guns]
Avery Bullock: What are your demands?

[Peter has just killed Stewie]
Peter Griffin: It's just been revoked!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I'll have what she's having!
Brian Griffin: That's... better?

"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Brian Griffin: [Brian is lying on the floor, after being severely beaten by Chris] OK someone needs to help me here.
[Stewie approaches Brian, as he lays on the floor, and kicks him]

Lois Griffin: You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Peter Griffin: Well... define "Chris".

"Family Guy: Not All Dogs Go to Heaven (#7.11)" (2009)
Stewie Griffin: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that going to work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper?
Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.
Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye.
[teleports them away]
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!

Stewie Griffin: Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set?
Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.
Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!

"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?

"Family Guy: Ready, Willing and Disabled (#3.15)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
[puts the tape into the VCR]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
[cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. Cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin: There you have it.
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
[rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker: Get out.

"Family Guy: Brian the Bachelor (#4.7)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side, you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the... the novel you've been working on. You know, the... the one, uh, you been working on for three years. You know, the... the novel. Mm, got something new to write about now. You know, maybe... uh, maybe a main character gets into a relationship, suffers a little heart break. Something like uh, what... what you been, you just been through. Draw from the real life experience. Little uh, little heart break. You know... work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three dimensional. Little, uh, richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing, what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue, everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one.
[voice returns to normal]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I look forward to reading it.

"Family Guy: The Father, the Son and the Holy Fonz (#4.18)" (2005)
Brian Griffin: Oh that's very Christian. Believe what I say or I'll hurt you.
Francis Griffin: Now you're getting it!
[Peter's Dad hits Brian with a Bible]

"Family Guy: And the Wiener Is... (#3.5)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [driving in his new phallic car when he pulls next to someone] Hey! Hey, when you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, "Is it, is it in yet?"
[keeps driving, approaches tunnel]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry baby. I'll be gentle.
[after going in and out numerous times, Peter gets hit head-on by a truck, making the car short, and then gets laughed at by supermodels going by on a bus]
Peter Griffin: Ow. My pride.

"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
[starts laughing]
Lois Griffin: book!
[everyone laughs]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!

"Family Guy: Ocean's Three and a Half (#7.7)" (2009)
Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there.
Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind?
Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron.
Megatron: Do as I command!
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.

"Robot Chicken: Suck It (#2.1)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: Hi, y'all. I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.
Peter Griffin: Guilty!
Space Ghost: Guilty!
Master Shake: Ho ho! You're so friggin' guilty!

"Family Guy: Go, Stewie, Go! (#8.13)" (2010)
Julie: Don't mind Randall. He's just getting into character.
Stewie Griffin: Is he playing a dick?

"Family Guy: Brian: Portrait of a Dog (#1.7)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: God I hate this freaking cat.

"Family Guy: Padre de Familia (#6.6)" (2007)
Brian Griffin: Peter you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.
Peter Griffin: That's not true Brian. I remember 9/11.
[Flashback to Lois watching 9/11 news footage. Peter walks by]
Peter Griffin: 'Eh must have been a woman pilot huh?

"Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind (#5.16)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?
Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't...
[eyes widen looking toward the window]
Peter Griffin: oh... crap!
[Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]

"Family Guy: The King Is Dead (#2.7)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [auditioning cast members] Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie Griffin: [ascending the stage, soberly] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "
Lois Griffin: [interrupts] Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
Stewie Griffin: [infuriated] HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".
Stewie Griffin: [simmering] You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"

"Family Guy: Road to Germany (#7.3)" (2008)
RAF Commander: Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force, you're the very best in the world. However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one. Four and a half of every five of you will not return. Half of Jenson there can tell you it gets pretty sticky.
Jenson: But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't.
RAF Commander: So let's get up there, be safe, and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.
Stewie Griffin: Pardon me, Sir. I'd like to join.
RAF Commander: What are your qualifications?
Stewie Griffin: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghastly!
RAF Commander: Bombs away!

"Family Guy: Peterotica (#4.24)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: [to Carter] I promise, you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.
[cut to Julia Roberts, standing in front of a display of candles]
Julia Roberts: Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami, but don't worry, I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! ME! MEEEEEEE!
[hugs herself and laughs uncontrollably]

"The Cleveland Show: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
[Cleveland and Cleveland, Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell? He's gettin' his own show?

"Family Guy: Peter's Progress (#7.16)" (2009)
Strawberry Peter: Ah... it's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome you arrival 'cause we're all part of the same garden. Wait... whadda ya... uh... uh... hey... hey... hey, get outta here! Hey, hey! Aaah! Aaaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhh!
[crying in shower]
Strawberry Peter: He was my neighbour, and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie.

"Family Guy: Tales of a Third Grade Nothing (#7.6)" (2008)
Tom Tucker: And now Peter Griffin. Peter, your word is "lesbians". "Lesbians".
Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping."
Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a dirty sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping for double-sided marital aids."
Peter Griffin: Umm, ah. Oh. Wow.
Peter Griffin: Could you use it in a libellous sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians."
Peter Griffin: L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S.

"Family Guy: Jungle Love (#4.13)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?

"Family Guy: We Love You Conrad (#7.14)" (2009)
Lauren Conrad: This is not about me being smarter than you. This is about you still being in love with with Jillian.
Brian Griffin: How do you know?
Lauren Conrad: Because I'm smarter than you.

"Family Guy: The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (#5.11)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: [Joe hits his ball onto the green.] Hey Joe?
Joe Swanson: Don't say it Peter.
Peter Griffin: No I was just wondering...
Joe Swanson: Peter, I swear to god.
Peter Griffin: What's your handicap?
Joe Swanson: [sarcastic laugh] Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.

"Family Guy: Dial Meg for Murder (#8.11)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: Hold on Lois, this is some serious parenting. I'm going to go put on my Cosby sweater.

"Family Guy: Patriot Games (#4.20)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: [to Stewie] You shot me in both legs and set me on fire. Piss off.

"Family Guy: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Bucks (#2.11)" (2000)
[Peter and Meg are sitting on a bench in Central Park by the ice rink. Meg does a bird call and a pigeon flies over]
[Meanwhile, Brian skates by and executes a perfect triple axel]
Peter Griffin: Wow, that's amazing!
Brian Griffin: Oh, thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton in prep school. Nothing happened.

"Family Guy: The Courtship of Stewie's Father (#4.16)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.

"Family Guy: Let's Go to the Hop (#2.14)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: I had such a crush on her... until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

"Family Guy: Quagmire's Baby (#8.6)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?
Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you

"Family Guy: Road to the Multiverse (#8.1)" (2009)
Stewie Griffin: [sighs as human Brian walks off at the end] "Ah, look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind, where he finally reach the full pent-OH MY GOD HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!
[tires screech off-screen, followed by an audible THUD]
Stewie Griffin: "


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