Zoidberg Quotes

"Futurama: Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? (#2.9)" (2000)
[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.

[Zoidberg is trying to attract a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw.
Female: Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw.
Female: [Valley Girl accent] I'm SO not interested.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw?
Female: [Black woman accent] Hmph. I've heard THAT line before.

Edna: I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.
Dr. Zoidberg: [proudly] I've performed a few mercy killings.

[Fry is being Zoidberg's Cyrano]
Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling to Edna] You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna: [pleased] Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.

[Zoidberg has caught Fry in bed with Edna, a lobster alien]
Dr. Zoidberg: [enraged] Fry. I challenge you to "clawplach".
Fry: English, please?
Dr. Zoidberg: A fight to the death.
Edna: And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.
[Fry pauses to think it over, then screams]

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Tough call.

Dr. Zoidberg: This "love" intrigues me. Teach me to fake it.

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion I have never felt before. Is it love when you care for a female for reasons beyond mating?
Fry: Nope. Must be some weird, alien emotion.

Dr. Zoidberg: The frenzy is over. How am I going to get rid of my male jelly now?
Fry: [Waves dismembered arm] I'll lend you this.

Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, it's been years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species, fatal or non-fatal?

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness! You're being irrational!
Dr. Zoidberg: Of course I'm being irrational! I'm in love!
Leela: Aww.

Fry: Don't worry. The Lovemeister will take you under his wing.
Dr. Zoidberg: What? Now there's a bird involved?

Dr. Zoidberg: I used to hang out here as a larva. It looked so much bigger back then.
[picks up a hermit crab]
Dr. Zoidberg: Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
[eats crab]

Leela: It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.
Dr. Zoidberg: Love? That word is unknown here. I'm just looking for a female swollen with eggs who will accept my genetic material.
Fry: You and me both, brother!

Fry: [Fry is telling Zoidberg what to say to Edna, a female] Tell her you just want to talk, it has nothing to do with mating!
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling] I just want to talk, it has nothing to do with mating!
[to Fry]
Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, that doesn't make sense!
Edna: [calling] Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense! But OK.

Dr. Zoidberg: I want the tactile pleasure in cutting him here...
[points his claw at Fry's neck]
Dr. Zoidberg: ...in the gonads.
Fry: [to crowd] Shhhhhh. Nobody correct him.

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Man, tough call.

[Zoidberg is trying to attract a mate]
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw.
Female Decapodian: Keep your jelly away from my eggs.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw.
Female Decapodian: [Valley Girl accent] I'm *so* not interested.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw?
Female Decapodian: [urban accent] Hmph. I've heard *that* line before.

"Futurama: A Taste of Freedom (#5.4)" (2002)
Dr. Zoidberg: I wonder what the shroud of Turin tastes like.

Fry: Wow! Nude hot-tubbing - that's all I need to hear about Freedom Day!
Dr. Zoidberg: Then consider the following lecture a bonus.

[On the run from Earth authorities after eating the flag]
Dr. Zoidberg: My planet's embassy? Why, they'd pay to not kill me!

Dr. Zoidberg: Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression is smutzing up our freedom lesson?
Ambassador Moivin: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg!

Leela: Dr. Zodberg - how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave humanity?
Dr. Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!

Fry: So what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Dr. Zoidberg: No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!
Amy Wong: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences.
Bender: You know, like how I live every day.
[trips up Hermes]
Hermes Conrad: Happy Freedom Day! Ow, I think I broke my wrist.

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm swelling with patriotic mucus.

Dr. Zoidberg: I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes like.

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg - how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave humanity?
Dr. Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!

"Futurama: Parasites Lost (#3.4)" (2001)
Hermes Conrad: [Cruising around Fry's muscles] Soon he'll be stronger and more flexible than Hercules and Gumby combined!
Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercules? I love that guy!

[after shrinking down to microscopic size in order to enter Fry's body, Zoidberg comes in riding a sperm]
Dr. Zoidberg: Yippy ki yay. Guess where I've been.

[Zoidberg scrapes cholesterol off Fry's artery]
Dr. Zoidberg: It's good cholesterol, but it spreads like bad cholesterol.

Dr. Zoidberg: We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: Guess again.

Bender: Where are we? The ass?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We're in the heart, better known as the love muscle.
Dr. Zoidberg: Where the food is digested.

[Fry has been impaled by a lead pipe and is seeing Zoidberg for help]
Dr. Zoidberg: Ah, here's the hypochondriac. What seems to be the trouble now?
Fry: My lead pipe hurts.
Dr. Zoidberg: Perfectly normal. Next!

Amy Wong: Look! They're jazzercising Fry's muscles.
Hermes Conrad: He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined.
Dr. Zoidberg: Gumercules? I love that guy!

"Futurama: That's Lobstertainment! (#3.8)" (2001)
Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?
Waiter: Yeah.
Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.

Calculon: Let me see the script.
[after reading for a second]
Calculon: No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid?
Dr. Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.

Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
Dr. Zoidberg: Bender, you said 'wink, wink' out loud.
Bender: No I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Dr. Zoidberg: What category are they on?
Bender: They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to Writing.

Harold Zoid: So, you want to be a comedian, is it?
Dr. Zoidberg: It's my life long dream.
Harold Zoid: Well, that dream dies now! You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.

Calculon: Let me see the script.
[after reading for a second]
Calculon: No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid ?
Dr. Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.

Waiter at Elzars: What can I get you?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?
Waiter at Elzars: Yes.
Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest I (#2.20)" (2000)
Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?
[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]
Fry: Gotcha!
Amy Wong: Sucker!
Dr. Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!

Dr. Zoidberg: So, anteater number one. Are you covering for someone? Is it anteater number two? Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name!
[Anteater makes noise]
Dr. Zoidberg: What? How do you spell that?

Fry: What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?
Dr. Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. whatever.

Dr. Zoidberg: My next clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. The next clue came two hours later, at 4:15, when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.

Dr. Zoidberg: Police. Bah! Nosy meddlers. It so happens that I have mail order degrees in murderology and murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot!

Leela: Okay, just try to be nonchalant.
[Enters whistling nonchalantly]
Dr. Zoidberg: All right, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.

Dr. Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now, big city? Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card application, will you?
[destroys Chase Manhattan Bank building]
Dr. Zoidberg: Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. Boo me off stage on open mike night, eh? I'll show you!
[crushes Apollo Theater]

"Futurama: Xmas Story (#2.8)" (1999)
Dr. Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.
Hermes Conrad: Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
Fry: Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
Hermes Conrad: A true inspiration for the children.

Dr. Zoidberg: What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb?
[reads card]
Dr. Zoidberg: Heh, heh. Instead of "Claus," he writes "Claws." Now that's humorous! Today's comedians could learn from this card.

[singing]
Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: Great idea!
Dr. Zoidberg: One can only hope.

Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!
Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!

Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.
Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!

"Futurama: A Clone of My Own (#2.15)" (2000)
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.
[pause]
Dr. Zoidberg: [to Drummer] Hey, Ringo. That was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.

Dr. Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs.
[rimshot]
Dr. Zoidberg: That wasn't a joke. I was talking to Dean Streptococcus.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved. So many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back fifteen years.
Dr. Zoidberg: If only it'd work, you could go back and not waste your time on it.

Fry: Sorry to disappoint you, but need I remind you?: blood is thicker than water.
Dr. Zoidberg: [writting] Blood... thicker?... water.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called crew, if it can so be called. First of all, "Doctor" Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Dr. Zoidberg: I lost it... in a volcano.

"Futurama: Raging Bender (#2.12)" (2000)
[Hermes is under the control of a brain slug, which is attached to his head]
Hermes Conrad: On to new business. Today's mission is for all of you to go to the brain slug planet.
Dr. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes Conrad: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

Fry: [at the movie theater] Cool let's see this one!
[points to "Galaxy Wars"]
Leela: Nah, I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary. I've heard good things about 'Quizblorg, Quizblorg.'
Amy Wong: Guck! I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fellows, fellows, how about a film we can all enjoy? "Planet of the Clams": It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
Bender: Who invited you? Let's just see "All My Circuits: The Movie."
[all mumble in agreement]
Bender: Good point, Bender!

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm going to a movie, with friends!

Dr. Zoidberg: [ecstatic] I'm going to a movie... with FRIENDS.

[Hermes is under the control of a brain slug, which is attached to his head]
Hermes Conrad: On to new business. Today's mission is to go to the brain slug planet.
Dr. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
Hermes Conrad: Nothing. Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

"Futurama: The Deep South (#2.16)" (2000)
[Dr. Zoidberg's underwater home has burned down]
Dr. Zoidberg: My home! It burned down! How did this happened?
Hermes Conrad: That's a very good question.
Bender: [picking a lit cigar from the ashes] So that's where my cigar was.
Hermes Conrad: That just raises further questions!

Leela: It's pulling us under. Everybody inside.
Dr. Zoidberg: Wait, I'll save us all by cutting the unbreakable diamond filament.
[tries to break the filament, but it won't break]
Dr. Zoidberg: At least I'll die with all my friends.
[notices everyone has gone inside]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hello?

Dr. Zoidberg: [Wearing a giant conch shell] Look at me. I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner.

[while fishing, Leela pulls in her line to find Dr. Zoidberg holding a boot on the end]
Leela: Oh, Dr. Zoidberg. Since when do you even wear boots?
Dr. Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. I was eating it.

Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, you can't stay here. Sure, they have the Braves, but it's a third-rate symphony.

"Futurama: Roswell That Ends Well (#4.1)" (2001)
President Truman: [Roswell, circa 1947] If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Dr. Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is, I'm meeting new people.
President Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning on making some kind of alien-human hybrid?
Dr. Zoidberg: Are you coming on to me?
President Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that.
Dr. Zoidberg: [coyly] I'm not hearing a no...

Dr. Zoidberg: [as a scientist is sawing at something during an autopsy] Don't cut that! I need that to speak!
[the scientist looks at his colleague, starts sawing faster]

Scientist: [an autopsy on Zoidberg is taking place] Heart.
Dr. Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them!
Scientist: Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
Dr. Zoidberg: Deviled egg?
[eats it from the tray]
Scientist: [pause] The same deviled egg.

Dr. Zoidberg: The President is gagging on my gas bladder. What an honor.

Dr. Zoidberg: There... Good as new.
Leela: Don't you need this one?
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my...
[He coughs, grasps his throat and falls]
Dr. Zoidberg: [Rising up again] Gotcha!
[Leela glares at Zoidberg and throws Organ away]

"Futurama: My Three Suns (#1.7)" (1999)
Fry: [Fry struggles to cry and fails] It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything.
Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.
Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
Fry: These things happen.
Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no god and your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!
Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind
Bender: Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry.
Amy Wong: You did your best, Bender.
Bender: Up yours, bimbo!
[Amy cries]
Dr. Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster!
[Zoidberg cries]

Amy Wong: Is this salt water?
Bender: It's salt with water in it, if that's what you mean.
Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Dr. Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds.

Dr. Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala? I'll wear my formal shell.

Amy Wong: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem pretty mild-mannered.
Dr. Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now.
Gorgak: You've touched me in ways I've never been touched before.

Dr. Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of his highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones...

"Futurama: Bendin' in the Wind (#3.13)" (2001)
Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic.

Fry: Get your love beads here! You can't journey to the center of your mind without love beads!
Hippie #1: Wow, look at all the colors. These'll go great with my soul.
Dr. Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewelry for years, apparently.
Hippie #2: I'll trade you a bad poem!

Bender: Oh, no! I forgot this is a hoverbridge!
Turanga Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hovercar!
Fry: Is any of that a problem?
Dr. Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret!

Dr. Zoidberg: [the gang is doing laundry] Bad news, friends. My shell ran.
[All the clothes are covered in pink swirls]
Amy Wong: Zoidberg, you idiot! My outfit! It's... It's...
Turanga Leela: Kinda cool.
Fry: Yeah, I like it.
Amy Wong: Me too, now that I'm used to it.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me and I'll turn on you like that!

Amy Wong: [Zoidberg is hacking into a tissue] You better not do that at the concert.
Dr. Zoidberg: I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt I get stuff in my throat.
Amy Wong: You are so disgusting! I...
[Gasps as she sees that Zoidberg is hacking up blue pearls; she takes a handful]
Amy Wong: They're beautiful!
Dr. Zoidberg: Eww, you're touching them!
Turanga Leela: I've never seen such beautiful pearls. Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing!
Dr. Zoidberg: I am? At last, recognition!

"Futurama: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid (#3.7)" (2001)
[everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Bender: Second place? That's a fancy word for losing.
[whips Zoidberg]
Bender: You didn't stick your landing!
Dr. Zoidberg: Forgive me, my friend?
Bender: Never!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Zooka Barooka! First prize is $500 and a lifetime supply of dog food.
Bender: $500, you say?
Dr. Zoidberg: Dog food, you say?

Fry: Doctor Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?
Dr. Zoidberg: Zoidbie want balloon! Want balloon now! Zoidbie want go outside!
Fry: But I just let you in!

[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

"Futurama: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz (#3.9)" (2001)
Fry: What happened?
Dr. Zoidberg: All six thousand hulls have been breached.
Fry: Oh, the fools! Why didn't they build it with six thousand and one hulls? When will they learn?

Dr. Zoidberg: Now, if you'll excuse me, there is some ravioli on the floor with only two footprints on it.
[Bender passes by]
Dr. Zoidberg: Three footprints.
[Drops on floor and starts eating noisily]

Leela: Why weren't you kong donkeys outside cleaning up?
Dr. Zoidberg: They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job... and eating penguin eggs.
Fry: You ate most of them.

Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer... in this comic I drew.
Dr. Zoidberg: [Grabs comic] Ooh, the new one's out.

Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) (V)
Amy Wong: Look at us, living like trash-eating bums in an alley now.
Zoidberg: Yes... Now...

[everyone is huddled in a giant rock igloo on Neptune after the scammer aliens have taken over the Earth]
Bender: Rrrrr... it's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency!
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? If you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.
Zoidberg: Jedis?
[a chorus of howling Yetis is heard from a distance]
Zoidberg: Oh... YETIS!
Professor Farnsworth: Amy - you speak Yeti - what are they saying?
Amy Wong: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... assaulting the interlopers!
[a trio of giant Yetis smashes through the side of the rock igloo; everyone screams and scatters while Leela runs towards them]
Leela: Yeee-ah! Don't mess with me you ice-crapping snow honkys. I just got dumped!
[the Yetis flee in terror as Leela chases after them with a primitive spear]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti! She's gone crazy Eddie in the heady!

[Hermes realizes that Zoidberg attached his head to his body backwards]
Hermes Conrad: You incompetent crab!
Zoidberg: I thought you were happy. Your tail is wagging.

Fry: So my copy lived 12 years longer before Bender killed him? I wonder what his life was like.
Scruffy: Hmm, I guess we'll never know.
Zoidberg: Or *will* we?
[pause]
Scruffy: Nope.
Narrator: [to audience] *They* won't know! But you *will*! Lucky you!

Futurama: Bender's Game (2008) (V)
Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing!
Leegola: [Looking at her reflection in her sword covered with Zoiberg's blood] No! No more killing!
Monster Zoidberg: Ohhhhhh! So suddenly Miss Goody Four Shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago! What am I, chopped liver?
Leegola: Shut up!
[She starts slashing at him again with her sword]
Monster Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver!

[Momon has transformed into a dragon and with the Die of Power, Frydo transforms into a dragon as well]
Frydo: So it's all come down to this... a dungeon... and dragons!
Monster Zoidberg: I didn't see it coming.

Dr. Zoidberg: You harbor resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man.
[He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs]
Dr. Zoidberg: Why? Whyyy?
Turanga Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them.
[to an intercom]
Dr. Zoidberg: Amy, cancel my appointments.
Amy Wong: [Over the intercom] Stop calling me!

Dr. Zoidberg: [Under attack by Bender] No! Not the spork!

"Futurama: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings (#5.16)" (2003)
TV Advertisement: Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry play 900 of his classic themes in your own home on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.
Dr. Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer! Hello? I'll take eight!

[during Fry's opera]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.
Dr. Zoidberg: I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!

Hedonism Bot: Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera.
Fry: But I can't play anymore.
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes, you can! The music was in your heart, not your hands.
[Fry plays off key, everyone boos]
Dr. Zoidberg: Your music's bad, and you should feel bad!

TV Annoucement: Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry play 900 of his classic themes in your own home on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.
Dr. Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer! Hello? I'll take eight!

"Futurama: Insane in the Mainframe (#3.12)" (2001)
Roberto: [Holds Zoidberg at knifepoint] Back off! I have hostages!
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!

Fry: Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a... a...
Dr. Zoidberg: A squid?
Fry: A human! Oh, my God, I'm a human!
Dr. Zoidberg: Also good.

Hermes Conrad: I will now read the mandatory speech. "Dear employee: Has it really been five, ten, or fifteen years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of apreciation and applaud."
Dr. Zoidberg: Look, coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one. Now if I could only afford the one. And the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies.
Hermes Conrad: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!
Dr. Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!

Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, listen to me. Just because you say you're a robot doesn't make you a robot. Look at me. I call myself a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do.

"Futurama: Put Your Head on My Shoulder (#2.10)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: Fry, Amy, put your pants on. I need to get a stapler.
Dr. Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance, the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad!

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash.
Fry: How badly?
Dr. Zoidberg: That's it over there.

Dr. Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid we couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Dr. Zoidberg: If you call that living.

"Futurama: I Second That Emotion (#2.5)" (1999)
Bender: Hey! I got a busted ass here and I don't see anyone kissing *it*!
Dr. Zoidberg: All right, I'm coming!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
[Professor Farnsworth adjusts the empathy chip]
Bender: My God. I'm overcome with feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's me, baby.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmmm.
[Professor Farnsworth readjusts the chip]
Bender: Now I'm worried I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time, I feel relieved I'm cuter than her.
Amy Wong: Uuh, that's me.
Fry: [Whispering to Amy] Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time, I miss Nibbler, and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy Wong: Bingo.
Hermes Conrad: That's Leela.

Hermes Conrad: Aw, he's holding a spoon.
Dr. Zoidberg: He's *so* talented!

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest II (#4.3)" (2002)
[the Professor is The Wizard of Oz, Zoidberg is the Cowardly Lion]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What do you nice kids want?
Dr. Zoidberg: Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

[the winged monkeys have kidnapped everyone except Zoidberg]
Dr. Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something?
[sniffs armpit]
Dr. Zoidberg: Awww...

Dr. Zoidberg: Courage. Not enough of it. Need some from what's-his-name.

"Futurama: Future Stock (#4.9)" (2002)
That Guy: There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone who is a sheep is fired. Who is a sheep?
Dr. Zoidberg: Errr, excuse me... which is the one people like to hug?
That Guy: Gutsy question. You're a shark. Sharks are winners, and they don't look back because they have no necks. Necks are for sheep.

Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.

Dr. Zoidberg: This company's circuling the drain, I tell you! I'd sell my shares right now for a sandwich.
That Guy: Sold!
[Gives Zoidberg a sandwich and takes his shares]
Dr. Zoidberg: A complete sandwich? Ha! You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside.

"Futurama: I Dated a Robot (#3.15)" (2001)
Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry is a sicko poivert, I tell ya! Dating a robot... it's an attrocimacy!
Leela: But Fry is our friend, Bender.
Bender: Ah, geez! Would you stifle there, meatbag?
Leela: You stifle, Bender!
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.

Dr. Zoidberg: [Fry wants to visit the edge of the universe] It's funny, you live in the universe, but you never get to do this things until someone comes to visit.

"Futurama: A Fishful of Dollars (#1.6)" (1999)
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Fry: Wha?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Dr. Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench!
[Eats all the anchovies]
Dr. Zoidberg: More. More.
Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.
Dr. Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More! More! More! *More!*

"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
Nurse: Are you ready to operate, doctor?
Dr. Zoidberg: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.

Dr. Zoidberg: Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient!
iHawk: Geez, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy to kill.
Nurse: You leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice the training you have.
iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.
[laughs]
Dr. Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with the jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
iHawk: [Turns switch from irreverent to maudlin] When will the killing end?

"Futurama: The Farnsworth Parabox (#5.10)" (2003)
Fry: Whatever is in that box, it's the only thing I ever wanted.
Dr. Zoidberg: In my experience, boxes are usually empty, or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time, pepperoni. What a day that was!

Turanga Leela 1: Fine, you be crummy Universe "A", and we'll be Universe "1".
Philip J. Fry 1: Yeah, or the Mongooses, that's a good team name. "The Fighting Mongooses."

"Futurama: The Luck of the Fryrish (#3.10)" (2001)
[At the horse races]
Hermes Conrad: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby. I need those shoes.

Dr. Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Fry: Hey, yeah! Maybe it's still there, underground in the ruins of Old New York, helping some ant defeat another ant, or helping some piece of dirt turn its luck around.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dirt doesn't need luck.

"Futurama: Amazon Women in the Mood (#3.5)" (2001)
Dr. Zoidberg: And that's the story of how I got my new shell. It looks just like the one I threw out yesterday, and I found it in the same dumpster. But this one had a live raccoon inside.
[licks his lips]

Dr. Zoidberg: Well, I'm taking this old shell to the dumpster, and maybe pick up some more of those potato chips Amy threw away.
Amy Wong: Those were toe nail clipings.
Dr. Zoidberg: A feast is a feast.

"Futurama: 30% Iron Chef (#4.11)" (2002)
Dr. Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship. When the professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca.

Dr. Zoidberg: Surrender your secrets to Zoidberg.

"Futurama: Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV (#5.15)" (2003)
Fry: What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.
Dr. Zoidberg: That was uncanny.

Dr. Zoidberg: [arrives at Cubert's birthday party dressed as a tramp] Hey, boys and girls. It's Zoidberg, the loveable tramp.
Turanga Leela: Since when do you perform children parties?
Dr. Zoidberg: Performing? What? Can anyone spare some money to buy a pair of shoes?

"Futurama: Spanish Fry (#5.12)" (2003)
Fry: We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?
Leela: Me, Bender, and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Dr. Zoidberg: No, I'm good.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.
Fry: Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.
Dr. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that.

"Futurama: Love and Rocket (#4.4)" (2002)
Dr. Zoidberg: [voiceover] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray.

Dr. Zoidberg: [voice-over] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray.

"Futurama: Love's Labours Lost in Space (#1.4)" (1999)
[Amy wants to take Leela out to cheer her up]
Amy Wong: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes Conrad: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Dr. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy Wong: Mmmmm... I'll pick.

Dr. Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well.

"Futurama: Where the Buggalo Roam (#4.6)" (2002)
Leo Wong: Anyway, make yourselves at home.
[Dr. Zoidberg comes downstairs wearing a bathrobe]
Dr. Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have any more of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.

Dr. Zoidberg: I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.

"Futurama: Less Than Hero (#5.6)" (2003)
Dr. Zoidberg: [Fry and Leela's muscles hurt after building the supercollider] I've got just the thing: genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. "Come one, come all", he said, "Step right up". "This deal sounds too good to be true", I thought. He said I looked like a smart, young man. "So, is it a deal?", I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with sixty of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream!

Turanga Leela: Let's see, which powers do we have. Super strength?
[Leela breaks a table, Fry kicks a hole in the wall]
Fry: Yep.
Turanga Leela: Lickety speed?
[they run to the other end of the room in less than a second]
Fry: Check.
Turanga Leela: Yes, sir. Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?
Fry: Hey, Zoidberg! Get in here!
Dr. Zoidberg: Screw you!
Turanga Leela: Ain't got that.
Fry: Nope.

"Futurama: A Bicyclops Built for Two (#2.13)" (2000)
Dr. Zoidberg: [crying at the wedding] That pig has the same sandals as me.

"Futurama: The Why of Fry (#5.8)" (2003)
Fry: Delivery boy Philip J. Fry, reporting for duty.
Dr. Zoidberg: Doctor Zoidberg, soaking in brine.

"Futurama: Three Hundred Big Boys (#5.11)" (2003)
Elzar: Here you are, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.
Dr. Zoidberg: [sniffs it] Goose liver? Fish eggs? Feh! Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat, the garbage parts of the food.
Dr. Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me 300 dollars. I'm not paying! I bid you good day, sir!

"Futurama: Hell Is Other Robots (#1.9)" (1999)
Leela: Bender, we don't mind your drinking, and your kleptomania, and your pornography ring.
Dr. Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we love you.

"Futurama: The Sting (#5.9)" (2003)
Bender: This is great! My buddy's alive, and his credit cards are valid again! Let's go get hammered!
[All cheer]
Dr. Zoidberg: I should warn you. I'm a mean drunk.

"Futurama: A Flight to Remember (#2.1)" (1999)
Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

"Futurama: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back (#2.14)" (2000)
Hermes Conrad: [throwing mail tubes into various cubbies]
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] They said that I shouldn't be a surgeon !
Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] They po-po'd my Electric Frankfurter!
Leela: [singing] They said I shouldn't fly with just one eye!
[She gets hit in the eye with a mail tube]
Bender: [slow and lackluster] I am Bender please insert girder.

"Futurama: A Tale of Two Santas (#4.2)" (2001)
Dr. Zoidberg: And I'm his friend, Jesus!

"Futurama: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles (#5.7)" (2003)
Dr. Zoidberg: [devolved into a squid-like creature] Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again!

"Futurama: Fear of a Bot Planet (#1.5)" (1999)
Dr. Zoidberg: I'll have some squid log.
Hot Dog Vendor: Sorry, we don't serve that.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fine, then I'll have one of your young on a roll.
Hot Dog Vendor: We don't serve rolls.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fine, just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to Zoidberg and the others eating hot dogs]
Fry: At least hot dogs haven't changed.

"Futurama: Time Keeps on Slipping (#3.14)" (2001)
Dr. Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams, but you still have Zoidberg. YOU ALL STILL HAVE ZOIDBERG!

"Futurama: The Route of All Evil (#5.3)" (2002)
Dr. Zoidberg: What is this? Angry shouting or hearing-aid-busted shouting?
Hermes Conrad: I'm afraid it's both.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [shouting] What?

"Futurama: Proposition Infinity (#6.4)" (2010)
Dr. Zoidberg: [while inspecting Amy's engagement ring from Bender] Such a stone! Is it real?
[Amy carves a circle in Zoidberg's shell]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!
Professor Farnsworth: Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal?
Turanga Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space Tax-achusetts? No chance, judge-pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes Conrad: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!
Amy Wong: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes Conrad: We're talking about lots of stuff.

"Futurama: The Series Has Landed (#1.2)" (1999)
Dr. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Dr. Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!
Dr. Zoidberg: What? My mother was a saint! Get out!

"Futurama: Bender Gets Made (#2.17)" (2000)
Dr. Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated.

"Futurama: Crimes of the Hot (#5.1)" (2002)
Dr. Zoidberg: Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? Is a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots!
[pause]
Dr. Zoidberg: I don't hear any gasping.
Leela: We all figured that out.
Dr. Zoidberg: Aw.

"Futurama: Bend Her (#5.13)" (2003)
Bender: My dreams are over before they began!
Dr. Zoidberg: [happily] Welcome to my life!
[starts crying]

"Futurama: The Cryonic Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
Leela: Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to...
[Puts on the gorilla mask]
Bender: Og. Gorilla Emperor of Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sorry, Og. But I've got a new crew.
[to Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg, who are coming out of the ship]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So, how was your delivery to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy Wong: Great.
Hermes Conrad: Organized.
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

"Futurama: Godfellas (#4.8)" (2002)
[Prof. Farnsworth is searching for Bender with his Smelloscope]
Leela: Anything yet, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm afraid the Smelloscope can't locate Bender. His fragrance is too mild. It's being overwhelmed by local sources.
[Everyone looks at Zoidberg]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! Now I'm the center of attention.

"Futurama: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch (#5.5)" (2003)
[at Kif's baby shower]
Fry: Hello everyone! Everybody we invited is here.
Dr. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg!

"Futurama: The Lesser of Two Evils (#2.11)" (2000)
Dr. Zoidberg: It's funny because it's poisonous!

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008) (V)
Dr. Zoidberg: I thought I was fighting for my freedom!
Professor Farnsworth: NO!

"Futurama: A Head in the Polls (#2.7)" (1999)
Dr. Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
Amy Wong: Pfft! Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting.

"Futurama: Bendless Love (#3.6)" (2001)
Turanga Leela: [Picks up L-shaped piece of metal] This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.
Philip J. Fry: Yep.
Bender: Of course.
Amy Wong: Doy!
Hermes Conrad: It's an important unit.
Turanga Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit just removed from the ship.
[Unveils a straightened piece of metal; all gasp]
Philip J. Fry: That doesn't look like an L at all. Unless you count lower-case.
Bender: You know we don't!
[Slaps Fry]
Turanga Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka tough steel.
Bender: [Picks up L-unit] Hmmm, it should look like this...
[Bends into L shape]
Bender: ... but instead it looks like this.
[Straightens it out again]
Philip J. Fry: Who would do such a thing?
Bender: Who *could* do such a thing? And by that I mean this.
[Bends L-unit back and forth]
Dr. Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.