South Park Quotes

Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home.
[everyone realizes there isn't enough room to move]
Stan: Well?
Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Chef's Father: [at Chef's rehearsal dinner] Could I have everyone's attention, please?
[crowd quiets]
Chef's Father: Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
[sniffles]
Chef's Father: I'm very happy for them both.
[begins to choke back tears]
Chef's Father: Ooh, there I go - I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
Chef: It's okay, pop.
Chef's Mother: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now.
[begins to tear up]
Chef's Father: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man, he came runnin' into me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he says to me, "Poppa, poppa." I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?" He said, "I need about tree-fitty."
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty!
Chef's Father: Well, it was about that time I begin to get suspicious. I said, "Chef, my boy, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it." So I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was that damn Loch Ness Monster!
Chef's Mother: Lord, it was scary!
Chef's Father: I said, "Dammit, monster, you quit bugging my children, now. We work for our money in this house - we don't just give money away!"

Woman: [rrom the Make-A-Wish Foundation] So, Kenny, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
[silence]
Man: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: [muffled] I guess the only thing I wish is not to die.
Woman: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
[long stretch of silence]
Woman: Okay, and what if you're gonna have two wishes? What would the second one be?

Eric Cartman: [waking up and walking across the hallway to the bathroom just before he discovers he's a "ginger" Cartman]
[sings]
Eric Cartman: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille...

Randy Marsh: [making a diagram of global warming damage] Everyone below this line needs to be evacuated. Everyone above this line is already dead. We're stuck here in the middle. These states might be okay, they're balmy. New York is gonna have huge tidal waves that affect this whole area.
[someone giggles]
Randy Marsh: What?
[looks at the board and realized his diagram looks like a penis]
Randy Marsh: Oh, godammit! Godammit!
[erases it]

Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Jimmy: You... You're just a hooker and I need to get laid!

[Kenny has just reached level 60 on the PSP game]
Kenny: [muffled] Yes!
[he dances around in jubilee]
Kenny: [muffled] Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s...
[a truck runs him over]
Driver: [playing his PSP] Oh, yeah, level 4, sweet!

[checks on the kids in her class to see if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!

[gay and straight protesters get a hearing from the Governor of South Park on gay marriage]
Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?
[everyone listens quietly]
Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.
[long silence]
Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be...
[makes quote with his fingers]
Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be...
[makes quote with his fingers again]
Governor: ... butt buddies.
Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes!
[the crowd goes into an uproar]
Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.

Randy Marsh: [getting put in a car by the cops after fighting at Stan's Baseball Game]
[shouts]
Randy Marsh: I thought this was America!

Mr. Garrison: [during the school talent show] And now, performing select readings from the movie Scarface, Eric Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [imitating Tony Montana] What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."

Butters: [talking on a walkie-talkie] Just walk away! You can put a stop to all this! Just walk away and we will spare your lives! Just walk away!

Mr. Garrison: Hey, I'm pregnant everybody! Now I can go down to the clinic and have an abortion!

Mr. Garrison: [now Mrs. Garrison] I'm pregnant! Woo hoo, now I can have an abortion!

Voiceover: Coming, this summer! It's the digitally enhanced re-release of the very first pilot episode of South Park! Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first episode is getting a make-over for 2002! The simple, funny aliens are now super badass and cool! Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0 megapixel constructed through a masterpiece of technology! Everything's new! New is better!
Trey Parker: When we first made South Park, we didn't wanna use construction paper. We just had to because it was cheap.
Matt Stone: And now with new technology we can finally remaster South Park, make it look sharp, clean and focused.
Trey Parker: Expensive.
Voiceover: Yes, all the charm of a simple little cartoon will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer and more standardized animation!
Trey Parker: For instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it.
Voiceover: Get this special enhanced version quick, because another enhanced version will likely be coming out for 2003!

Stan: Hi Kenny.
Butters: I told you my name isn't Kenny. It's Butters.
Stan: Hi new Kenny.

Kyle: We need to go to Canada, as soon as possible.
City Wok Owner: [mock Chinese accent] Ooh, Canada, okay, that's pretty far. Gonna cost you a rot of money. Ret's see... How many people?
Kyle: Four.
City Wok Owner: Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money. Gonna be about 6,500 dorrar.
Kyle: How about 50 dorrar?
City Wok Owner: Fity dorrar? You fly to Canada cost you at-reast 3,000 dorrar.
Kyle: 55 dorra.
City Wok Owner: Hey, stop wasting my time with 55 dorrar. No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand dorrar!
Kyle: Okay... Sixty dorrar.
City Wok Owner: Sixty two dorrar.
Kyle: Okay.
City Wok Owner: Okay, meet me Park County Air field, yellow sesnut, tail number 432-G.
[Hangs up phone]
City Wok Owner: Hee hee. Never try to barter with a Chinese man.

Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
Kyle: [unenthusiastically] You bastard.

Garrison: You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

Chef: [singing] Say everybody have you seen my balls/They're big and salty and brown./If you ever need a quick pick-me-up./Just put my balls in your mouth./Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls (Stick 'em in your mouth)/Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em.

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

Ned: Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo: Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way.

Cartman: I love you guys... eh, screw you guys.

Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and I'm in Canada.
Kyle: Yeah, but I got my brother back.
Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back but I didn't get any presents. And what did I tell you, Kyle? I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I? Now you're gonna get it, motherfucker. That's it, you and me. Right now. We're having it out. Come on. Come on.
[Kyle slaps Cartman]
Cartman: WAAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAH. MOOOOOOM. MOOOOOOM.

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?
Stan: [pause] Um, you said that even though Charo appeared 12 times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: Well, okay, I suppose you were paying attention.
Kyle: [whispers] Good guess dude.
Stan: [whispers] Phew.

Officer Barbrady: Hey, aren't you boys supposed to be in school?
Stan: It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady: No excuses. Move along.

Kyle: Wanna know what I think?
Stan: What?
Kyle: [farts]

Butters: I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.

Interviewer: So, are you guys as anti-Semitic as some might believe?
Matt Stone: You know, a lot of people have accused South Park of anti-Semitism, but I'm Jewish, and so I can say with some certainty that I am not anti-Semitic.
Trey Parker: I am, however.

Cartman: The rest of you go get the goods on Stan. His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was and then lie and say it was a puppy.

Kyle: All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.

Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!

Cartman: Kenny said in hell people speak Spanish and the water there gives you diarrhea.

Mayor: An animated Christmas card? Kids, that just might be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!

Towelie: I'm so high man, I don't think I can take it.

Cartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, all right, seriously. I'm worried about you man.

Mr. Garrison: Well spank my ass and call me "Charlie", it looks like we have two A's.

Stan: Shut up, you fat, sweaty mongoloid. You never get higher than a D.

Fat Abbot: Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on Rudy?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
Fat Abbot: I lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your bitch-ass mouth, ho!
Rudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo' ass!
Fat Abbot: You think you sleek, you punk ass blassmiss dope veet bitch! I had my jimmy whacked 7 times last week, I'll bust a cop in your mother fuckin' ass.

[Stan's report on "Asian Culture."]
Stan: Asian culture has plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it.

Chef: You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover. Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football. Be naughty with the football. Mmmm, spank it. Ever so gently. Spank it. Oh, uh, sorry, children.

Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
Stan: Yup. We're bastards.

Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard.
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.

Stan: [Cartman walks in with a beard while Kenny is carving a squash with a huge butcher knife and Stan and Kyle are watching Kenny] Oh, God, he's got that stupid beard on again!
Cartman: [sits next to Kenny] No, Kenny, point the blade the other way otherwise you might cut yourself. There you go... Isn't this fun you guys, carvin' pumpkins on Halloween?
Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends / Through thick and thin / We've always been together / We're four of a kind / Havin' fun all day / Palin' around and laughin' away / We're best friends / Best friends are weeee!
Cartman: [Kenny, Stan, and Kyle are all staring at Cartman] I love you, guys.

Mr. McCormick: [explaining to Kyle why he isn't as successful as Kyle's father] And do you know why? Because your Dad's Jewish!
Cartman: I heard that!

Cartman: [all are high on Ritalin] I think we should go to Lalalapalalala anyway just to see Phil Collins.
Kyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
Cartman: Sounds good.
Cartman: Then it's decided. Phil Collins concert for all of us. Oh, hold still, Kenny.
[hits Kenny in the face with a frying pan]
Stan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
Kyle: Bastard.

Cartman: Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake.

Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn't mean that we all have to suffer.

Eric Cartman: I got my period.

Butters: Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: Dat road leads to Conifer. You want ta go to South Park you gotta go down dat road.
[scary road, lighting, ominous music]
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: Course I ain't never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went out dere and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be da way to da O'Reilly house, he butchered over 50 children and kept der bodies in his cellar. But you should find an old bridge 'bout half way up. Dat bridge is cursed, ya know. Dey built it with the bones of 200 Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Ya, a lot of history on dat road.
Butters: Well, it's my parents' anniversary tomorrow, and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with them.
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: Well, good luck den.
[Butters walks away]
Butters: Oh, jeez.
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: ...or is South Park down dat road?

Blanetologist: Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn. I can show you how to make your true self appear. Let me ask you all something. Do you consider yourselves to happy?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Blanetologist: [Long pause] Right. You see the reason that you're unha...
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [interrupting] And then I always get woken up to the sound of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

Kyle: Wow, that's a lot of semen Cartman.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is; the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose.

Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.

[about Jews]
Priest: They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?

Stan: You're my super best friend, Kyle.
Kyle: You're my super best friend, Stan.
Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You two want to get a room so you can make out for a while?
[both Stan and Kyle take turns kicking Cartman]

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.

Stan: Yeah well, I'll kick your ass so hard you'll wish you... never had it... to begin with. Your ass, I mean.

Timmy: TIMAH.

Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm.
Stan: You can say that agian, Kenny.
Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm.

[Cartman's favorite "psalm"]
Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Uncle Jimbob: C'mon Ned. We have to get our asses to the bookie.

Mrs. Broflovski: WhatwhatWHAT?

Tweek: But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?

Kyle: Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God.

Chef's Father: Dammit, monster, I ain't givin you no treefiddy.

Stan: Maybe you have brain cancer.
Eric Cartman: You think so?
Kyle Broflovski: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman. You might fall off and break it.

Cartman: Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?

Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.
Eric Cartman: Hmm, what could I have done with Pip's invitation? Pip's invitation... Pip's invitation... Oh, I remember. I shoved it up my ass. That's right. I wrote it up, put in an envelope, sealed it, and
[bloop]
Eric Cartman: shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance of you coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip ol' chap.

Cartman: All right, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but i think maybe we're not seeing heaven is because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of bubblegum forrest. you only see them if you really believe it them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe where not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O?
[pause]
Kyle: What does me being a jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

[the boys are outside building a snowman]
Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Kyle: What would we use a marble-sack for?

Eric Cartman: You guys are hella stupid.
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Eric Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why.

Timmy: GOBBLES.

Eric Cartman: Oh sweet. The "Life-Sized Blow-up Antonio Banderas Love Doll." What a cool Christmas present.

Eric Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.
Mr. Garrison: Eric. If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office.
[beat]
Eric Cartman: Bitch.
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you...
Eric Cartman: I'm going.

Death Camp Guard: [Nazi voice] Here, you vill be subjected to veeks of torture.
Mr. Slave: Ooh, this sounds like it could be fun.

Mr. Garrison: It's been brought to my attention that fourth graders might be too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Two year olds are too old for Mr. Hat.

Fat Abbott: Hey, hey, what's shakin' Rudy?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbott. You need to lose weight.
Fat Abbott: I lose weight when I feel like it bitch. Shut your bitch ass mouth, ho.

Stan: Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty.

[repeated line]
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.
Stan: Totally, dude.
Kyle: Good point, man.

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Wendy, you are to get me the Yellow Mega Man. Which was supposed to be a gift given by Kenny, but Kenny has been turned into a duckbill platypus.

Mr. Slave: Oooh, Jesuth Christht.

Cartman: This book was pretty good. I give it a B-.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, now sit down.
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch.

Kyle: [after learning of Cartman's plan to destroy Family Guy] You unbelievable son of a bitch!

Chef: There's a time and place for everything- and it's called college.

Santa Claus: [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.

Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck you.

Big Gay Al: Say, are you parents gonna stand around here all night? This meeting is for scouts only you silly gooses.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Slave, did you finish taking attendance?
Mr. Slave: All done-sy wun-sy.

Mr. Garrison: [returning from the bathroom] I must have caught the flu from Kenny. I've got the green apple splatters.

Satan: Saddam. But... I killed you.
Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?

Mr. Garrison: Now we can sell all their homes and become millionaires.
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothing. Don't you see, if you get rich selling these homes then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, you'd become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni...
[credits roll]

Mr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.

Terrance: I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
[doorbell rings]
Delivery Man: Special delivery for Terrance.
Philip: I'll take that.
Delivery Man: Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here... and here.
Philip: Oh Terrance, you got a letter.
Terrance: Shiver me timbers Philip. At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft dinner.

Sgt. Harrison Yates: Let's give Blackie a welcome home.
[Mr. Jefferson turns around to reveal his face]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Whoa, wait a m... That guy isn't black! Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus!
[Over CB]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: This is Yates, stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!
[to Harris]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: You son of a bitch, you told me this guy was African American!
Det. Harris: It says right here on the filo sheet he is.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Does that look like a black guy to you?
Det. Harris: It says so on the filo sheet.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Jesus Christ monkey balls! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black.
[Vomits]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Jesus, Harris, what have we become? We're supposed to protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Det. Harris: Sir, it's possible he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again unless I know he's black for sure!

Man #1: [after a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny.
Man #2: You bastard.

Cartman: ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now where poor like Kenny's family
[Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman]
Cartman: Don't touch me Kenny.

Mark Costwold: And, papa, I know you have tried to keep your daughter away from anything sexual, but look at her now: she's a goddamn whore.

Cartman: Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money. I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this. Oh, Kyle's money.

Chef: Try my newest concoction, I Just Went And Fuged Your Mama.
Cartman: Boy, he sure ran that into the ground.

[on the kindergarten class president election]
Mr. Garrison: You can't have an election with just one person running, what's the fun in that? Ike, how about you? You're a genius.
[Ike looks at the others glaring at him]
Ike: No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our next nominee is Ike the Genius.

Newscaster Ned: If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Mr. Slave: Oh. I never should have shoved all those poor animals up my ass.

[Chef bursts in on the Mayor and Officer Barbrady]
Mayor: Why Chef, what a surprise.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

[preaching to the kids]
Cartman: Freinds ay' have to tell you dat last night, Ay' received a phone call from beyond da grave-ah.
Congregation: [collective gasp]
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from da depths of Hell. And he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said dat in Hell, da smell is awful. He said dat in Hell... everyone speaks Spanish.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]
Cartman: He said d'er is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah.
Congregation: NO.
Cartman: And perhaps worst of awl... in Hell d'er are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in dem.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]

[addressing the damned]
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello?
[taps microphone]
Hell Director: Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were little confused: uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abbandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation PROcess which will last about...
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strick and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man from Crowd: Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the MORmons. Yes, the MORmons were the correct answer.
The Damned: Awwww...

Singing Voice: A great adventure is waiting for you ahead / Hurry onward Lemmiwinks or you will soon be dead / The journey before you may be long and filled with woe / but you must escape th gay mans ass or you tale can't be told / Lemmiwinks / Lemmiwinks / Lemmiwinks / Lemmiwinks / Lemmiwinks journey / A distance far and fast / To find a way out of a gay mans ass / The road ahead is filled with danger and fright / but push onward Lemmiwinks with all of your might / The Sparrow prince lies somewhere way up ahead / Don't look back Lemmiwinks or you'll soon be dead / Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks / The time is growing late / Slow down now and seal your fate / Take the magic helmet and torch to help you light the way / Theres still a lot of ground to cross inside the man so gay / Ahead of you lies adventure and your stregnth still lies within / Freedom from the ass of dome is the treasure you will win

Mr. McCormick: Hey. We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole.

Mr. Garrison: Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.

Fat Abbot: Hey, hey, hey, what's goin' down, y'all?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, what you doin' on this side of the hood?
Fat Abbot: You know something, Rudy, you're like school in summer time.
Rudy: School in summertime?
Fat Abbot: Yeah, bitch, school in summertime. Open up your fucking ears, you fucking ho or I'll pop your bitch ass.
Mushmouth: I'm-a pop-a you-a bitch-a ass-a too-ba, Bitch-a.

Stan: Hey, he's still alive.
[yelling into hole]
Stan: Kyle. Are you OK?
Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you *beep*ing hunk of fat, rat *beep*ing hunk of pig *beep*ing ass fat.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Say that to my *face*, pussy!

Announcer: And now, back to "It's A Wonderful Life".
George Bailey: You can't just buy people, Mr. Potter. You know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I'll bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?

Scott: Who is this?
Saddam Hussein: Lets just say that I'm someone who can help you if you help me. Just call me your old pal Saddam Hussein.
Scott: Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?
Saddam Hussein: Hey relax guy, I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.
Scott: What do you want?
Saddam Hussein: You want Terrance and Phillip *out* of Canada, I want you to bring my friends and me *into* Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super. Lets get started.
Scott: I'm not sure I should trust you.
Saddam Hussein: Hey, relax guy. Trust me.
[Ominous chord]

Kyle: We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Hey. You did me already.

Man: [from the Make-A-Wish Foundation] I know! I'll bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [muffled] No. Fuckin' Madonna...
[his words trail off and are hard to understand]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
[the Foundation reps are stunned]
Madonna: [appearing in the doorway] Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.

Mrs. Marsh: Hello, Mrs. Brovlowski, this is Stan's mom. I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.
Stan: Aaaah. I have to get it out.

Cartman: Looks like Stan's dad's been hitting the bottle again.

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I could use some goddamn poontang, myself, right now.

Chef: Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' at you? Well, fudge 'em.

Cartman: OK, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Everything is back to normal. I-I think... I think I can go back to trying to destroy the world again.

Mr. Garrison: Well, damn it, Eric, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?

MTV announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.

Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said... this week.

Kathie Lee Gifford: How about giving me some more of that sweet loving Chef.
Chef: DAMN WOMAN! I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. Are you trying to kill me?

Eric Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy!

Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down or the bunny dies!

Jesus: [to an old Rod Stewart in a wheel chair] Hey, Rod, great to see you. Uh, the folk are sure glad you're playing. It's giving them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure together we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: You pooped your pants? Nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

Mrs Crabtree: Hurry up! We're running late.
Stan: Ahh we're always running late, you fat hog.
Mrs Crabtree: What did you say?
Stan: I wish I could go to Prauge!
Mrs Crabtree: Yeah. Me too.

Cartman: Oh and look what Kyle's got me, it's a red Megam... Ants in the Pants, Ants in the Pa... Ants in the Pants
Kyle: It's a game dude, it's really fun
Cartman: You son of a bitch, You were supposed to get me the red Megaman, now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman, you dirty cheap ass piece of crap
Kyle: They were all out of them dude
Cartman: I hate you, I want you to die

Stan: Wendy? You didn't?
Wendy: I told her. DON'T
[beep]
Wendy: WITH WENDY TESTABERGER!

Mr. Garrison: You little turds, you ruined my life for the last time

Chef: How long until we get to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: Sit down kid!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN KID!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington you fat hog.
Mrs Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Chef: I said I wish I could go to Prague.
Mrs Crabtree: So do I.

Jimmy: Knock, knock.
Cartman: Who's there?
Jimmy: Interrupting cow.
Cartman: Interrupting cow wh...
Jimmy: [interrupting] Mooo!

[walking up to a crucified Cartman]
Officer Barbrady: T. T is for turtle.

Sharon Marsh: Hello? Sheila? This is Sharon Marsh, Stan's mother.
Sheila Broflovsky: Yes Mrs. Marsh what can I do for you?
Sharon Marsh: My son tells me that you've been telling my son about the school nurse's condition.
Sheila Broflovsky: Yes. She has a dead fetus hanging from the side of her head.
Sharon Marsh: Yes well, the next time you want to scare the hell out of my son warn me first.

Movie Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast, and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an eight year old boy, and he's about to find out that being eight ain't so great. Rob Schneider is, Kenny! Rated PG-13.

Cartman: Butters, remind me to cut your balls off later.

Cartman: Kyle, if you mess this up, so help me God I will rip your balls of with my bare hands! WITH MY BARE HANDS, GODDAMN YOU!

Mr. Garrison: What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?
Randy Marsh: Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.
Mr. Garrison: Yep.
Randy Marsh: So, they don't really do anything.
Mr. Garrison: Right.
Randy Marsh: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?
Mr. Garrison: [pause] ... Well, I guess you could.
Customers: Huh? What's that? What'd he say?

Kyle: Kyle, I told you, all kids in Colorado play hide and seek at the airport.
Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how much fun it is.
Kyle: This is taking too long. That flight to Connecticut is gonna leave. Hey! Can we speed things up here?
Security Officer George: Duh sorry, but ever since that It thing came out, the airlines have had to cut back on employees.
Kyle: Dude, we're the only ones here. How long does it take to get five people through security?
Security Officer George: Let's see... Five people plus times, divided... Two hours domestic, three hours international.
Kyle's Cousin: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle: No!
Security Officer George: Aha! What's this?
[removes toe nail clipper from Kenny's coat]
Security Officer George: A toe nail clipper! Die, terrorist!
[shoots Kenny in the head]
Security Officer George: See, we do these checks for a reason.

Stan: Oh, my God! Fonics monkey killed Kenny!
Cartman: You're damn right he did.

Randy Marsh: Stan, time to get up for school. Stan? What the...
[Sees Michael Jefferson a.k.a Michael Jackson, in bed with Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Blanket]
Randy Marsh: Mr. Jefferson!
Michael Jackson: Oh, uh, we were just having a slumber party.
Randy Marsh: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate.
Michael Jackson: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I didn't have a childhood so I'm really just a child myself. Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have $100.
Randy Marsh: Wow. I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting.

A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [Cartman] Movie idea #2,305: Adam Sandler is trapped on a deserted island and falls in love with a coconut.
Producer: Great. Great, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. Uh, guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with A.W.E.S.O.M.-O.
Executive: Okay.
Producer: You are an incredible robot, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. I was just wondering, are you by chance a *pleasure* model?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: What?
Producer: Have you been programmed to satisfy urges of humans?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: A.W.E.S.O.M.-O does not understand.
Producer: Let me show you what I mean.
Butters: [on the phone] Yeah, we're having a great time, Aunt Nellie. The movie studio guys are real nice.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Lame!
[bursts out of the board room, followed by a pants-less Producer]
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Not cool! Totall lame!

Mr. Garrison: Why won't anyone pound Mr Slave's butt?
Randy Marsh: Um, we don't pound butt, Mr Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!

Token: [to Cartman] Good job, dickhead! We lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you Token, you black asshole!
[Token kicks the crap out of Cartman and leaves him coughing on all fours]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.
Butters: [Standing around Cartman, then after a while he farts on Cartman and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric.

Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your while havin' sex with you!" I would have sex with myself.

Mr. Garrison: [in reference to the Declaration of Independence] And who wrote that document? Hmm... let's see... I know, let's ask the new kid, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Mr. Garrison: No Timmy, it wasn't you.

Ozzy Osbourne: [Ozzy Osbourne is describing how he became famous] Many years ago, I was the lead man in a struggling band. Chef told me to wear funny hats. I thought he said "bite the head off a bat." And the rest is history!

Terrance: Hey Phillip, guess what?
Phillip: What?
Terrance: [Farts] Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

Phillip: [Terrance and Phillip are in Halloween costumes, and Terrance farts] That fart was absolutely GHOULISH Terrance.

HBC Director: Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let you have me if you wanted.

Cartman: I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now!
Butters: Uh oh.
[He slowly backs away from Cartman in fear]

Michael Jefferson: [after he nearly dropped Blanket out the window, Blanket is crying] Blanket, shh, stop crying. It's okay, here look:
[does the Moonwalk]
Michael Jefferson: Hee hee! Ow! Blanket, shh, hey look, look: I got your nose, Blanket. I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket, see?
Blanket: Ha ha ha ha.
[tries to play back and actually pulls Michael's nose off]
Blanket: Aah!
Michael Jefferson: No, Blanket, stop. It's ignorant, you're being ignorant.

Stan: They took our jobs!
[audience replies]
Stan: Dey tok yer jobs! Dey tk yer jabbs! Derrker derrrd!

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get in trouble again.
[he puts the doll away and begins whistling]

KKK Leader: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] White power!
[as Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
[as Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison: Don't apologize for me to that spear chucker.
[as Mr. Garrison; gasps]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!
[runs]
Mr. Garrison: Aaah!

Stan: What would I do if Kyle died, Kenny? I'd never see him again!
[cries]
Kenny: That does it! I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. Screw you guys, I'm going home!
[a piano falls, crushing him]

Chef: James Taylor, what the hell are you doing singing about prostitutes to these children? Get outta here!

Stan: Whoa, wait a minute! Kyle saved your life. I think you at least owe him a thank-you!
Cartman: [sighs] Okay. Kyle...
[credits roll]

Cartman: [as the Tooth Fairy] Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts!
Butters: Yes, ma'am!

Kyle: Well, are there any chores I can do?
Mrs. Broflovski: Sure, Kyle. You can go to the concert after you clean your room, shovel the driveway, and bring democracy to Cuba!
Kyle: What's Cuba?
Gerald Brofloski: It's a communist country.
Kyle: Okay. Do I have to shovel the whole driveway, or just the side with the car?

Timmy: [pointing out turkey] TIMMY!
Farmer: Oh... that one's a little messed up.
Kyle: Timmy, if we go back with that turkey, the other guys will kick our asses.
Farmer: Well, I was just gonna take it out in the back yard and put a bullet in its head...
Timmy: TIMMY!
Kyle: No, dude, don't say that!
Timmy: TIMMY!
Kyle: Fine, how much?
Farmer: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: What? But you were gonna take it in the back yard and put a bullet in its head!
Farmer: Well, now I have to find something else to shoot.
Kyle: Goddamn it, here!
[pays]
Farmer: You know, I have a one-legged pig...
Kyle: Aw, blow it out your ass!

Cartman: [chatting with an older man] "I'm eight and a half inches." Whoa, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf.
[types]
Cartman: "I don't want to be friends with a midget. Midgets piss me off." Frowny-face.

Kyle: [about Butters' cutouts of the boys] Of course, Stan's got blue eyes and I have a sharper nose, but these are pretty close!

Cartman: The wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.

Kyle: I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Cartman: [astonished] Tits.

God: [during an episode where Stan tries to "get his period" and accidentally grows breasts] You can't have a period, Stan, because you are a man... with titties.

Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
Jimmy: F-F-for wh-what?
Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: She's what?
Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.
Wendy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...
[sounds like "cunt"]
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to stop!
[walks away]
Jimmy: [continues] ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.

Stan: Hey Wendy, you're a bitch! Token,
[flips him off]
Stan: Right here, buddy.
[Token and Wendy walk off angrily]

Proctologist: [diagnosing Cartman] Wait, what's this?
[a 20-meter-wide satellite dish deploys from Cartman's rectum]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Eric Cartman: Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome!
Chef: Well, doctor?
Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before, uh, p - perhaps he just needs some hemmorhoid cream.
[the satellite dish violently withdraws back inside Cartman]
Stan: You all right?
Eric Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!

Butters: This is just like Vietnam, huh fellas? Whoopee!

Voiceover: And now back to Wild Animal World. Here in the more erit regions of Africa, the Gold Coat Lion's are in the throws of mating season. The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice, his large swollen balls. The female lion relaxes her body and says "hello" to Mr. Winky. The male lion is enticed by the females supple breasts and firm backside. Quickly and suddenly the male is finished. So, he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesnt leave. Nope, she's moving right in. Looks like the male lion... is screwed.

Eric Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole.
[Jesus looks at him]
Eric Cartman: I mean, oh wow, these poor, unfortunate people.

Cartman: Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.

City Wok Owner: You *goddamn* Mongolians. Stay away from my shitty
[meant as city]
City Wok Owner: wall.

[repeated line]
City Wok Owner: Welcome to Shitty Wok!
[meant as City Wok]

Man #1: Hello, camper! My name is Rick! How're you doing?
Cartman: [shouts] Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We're just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.

Chef: Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick in my butt!
Chef: ...G'bye!

[Jimbo and folks are stuck at Studio, they have to raffle off the next eatable person]
Uncle Jimbob: OK, until now, everyone has picked up a long stick. I will be next.
[Jimbo picks up a stick from Barbrady's fist; a tall one]
Uncle Jimbob: Phew!
[Mr. Garrison picks up a stick; a tall one]
Mr. Garrison: Phew!
[Barbrady opens his fist; another tall one]
Officer Barbrady: Whooof!
Uncle Jimbob: Barbrady, where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady: a What?
Uncle Jimbob: Someone has to get a short stick, so we know, who will lose!
Officer Barbrady: Hmm... I always have played with wrong rules!

Eric Cartman: [Cartman is on an anthropological dig with the rest of the class]
[singing]
Eric Cartman: Days never endin', massa got me workin', someday massa set me free!

Eric Cartman: [Cartman tries to get invited to the girls' party]
[in a false girl's voice]
Eric Cartman: "Oooh, there's Cartman, we should invite him to the party for sure... "
[as himself]
Eric Cartman: Fuck you, May, fuck you, Annie, fuck you, BeBe, fuck you, whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch!

Eric Cartman: [after Bebe gets boobs] Well, fuck you, Stan, fuck you, Kyle, and
[shouts]
Eric Cartman: fucky you, Kenny! Bebe, you're still cool!

Richard Stamos: [singing] Loving you is easy when you're beautiful. Do, do, do, do, do...
[off key]
Richard Stamos: Ah!
[off key]
Richard Stamos: Ah!
Jimbo: What the hell? He didn't hit the high F.
Garrison: Richard Stamos can't hit the high F. He always screws it up like this.
[jeering]
Garrison: It's obvious where all of the talent in that family went.
Jimbo: Ned, we are in big trouble.

Cartman: Fuck, fuckitty, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Cartman: [referring to the Mr. Hankey motion picture] Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this? Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!

[repeated line]
Cartman: Butters, what the hell are you doing?