It's a wonderful day for Pie....

Peter Griffin Quotes

Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Odo: I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking.
Quark Griffin: Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.
Odo: I mean it! You'll have me to deal with!
Quark Griffin: Ohhhh, I'm really scared.
Odo: I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.
Quark Griffin: Hey, here's an idea: why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?

Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think its immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

[repeated line]
Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears?

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!

Peter Griffin: [Hosting Family Feud] How are you Betsy, welcome to the show you are a lovely young woman,
[kisses her cheek]
Peter Griffin: and I'll just get my hand up there and feel that one and that one
[squeezes her breasts, she looks at him horrifically]
Peter Griffin: and we're looking for something you shop for at the mall, three seconds.

Peter Griffin: [Dressed up as Spiderman climbing on a clothesline singing to the tune of the Batman theme] Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Spiderman, Spiderman/ Here comes Peter on a clothesline but his name's not Peter it is Spiderman, Spiderman/ Come on Lois let's get busy maybe right here in the garden Spiderman, Spiderman.

Stewie Griffin: Let me tell you something *Nessa,* a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Peter Griffin: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Stew Griffin: [after having sex with Fran] Um... that's never happened before.
Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?
Stew Griffin: Uh, I guess both.
[pause]
Stew Griffin: Do I give you money now?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Stewie. How about Daddy teaches you how to swim?
Stewie Griffin: Go... away... fat man.
[Peter picks up Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Dah! What do you think you're doing? No means no!
[Stewie hangs on Peter's arm while Peter tries to get Stewie in the pool]
Peter Griffin: Come on, Stewie! In... the... pool!
Stewie Griffin: No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!

Brandon: Good luck, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: [mocking] Good luck, Stewie! That's *you*. That's what *you* sound like.

Stewie Griffin: Ewwww, a band-aid.

Horace: Hey, is he 18?
Brian Griffin: Horace, the drinking age is 21.
Horace: Oh.

Peter Griffin: And you know what else grinds my gears? You America!
[shouts]
Peter Griffin: Fuck you! Diane?

[Brian has died and gone to heaven where he sits in a booth having drinks with some new friends]
Brian Griffin: Wow, look at me! Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.
Ernest Hemingway: Yeah, well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.
Vincent Van Gogh: I could not reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living so I shot myself.
Kurt Cobain: I hated the thought of my music become part of some bland corporate mechanism so I shot myself.
Brian Griffin: [sheepish] Yeah I, uh... I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

Brian Griffin: [Quagmire is planning a cross-country sex trip and has put up a sign on the side of his Winebego] Hey Quagmire, isn't there an "o" in "country"?

Peter Griffin: For more about flatulence, you can visit my ass!
[Peter Farts]

Stewie Griffin: I'm going to go pump the chemical toilet. Apparently you're about to do the same.

Stewie Griffin: [after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this but... would you mind shaving my coin purse?

Peter Griffin: Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Stu visit his family in the future. Lois greets them at the front door] She's still ALIVE? What the hell, man?

Stewie Griffin: Let's see... umm... I think it would have to be... fuck.
TV Presenter: What's your favorite curse word?

Stewie Griffin: [Future Stewie talking about vacations] In fact, just last summer I went back to visit Jesus Christ. Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit.

Stewie Griffin: [on top of a shelf; drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I'm gonna jump! Gonna jump from... Gonna jump... to my high chair!
Peter Griffin: Stewie can you not interrupt? It grinds my gears when you do that.
Lois Griffin: Oh! He said it!
Stewie Griffin: You ready? Can you... Can you see me... gonna jump... gonna ju... jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you?
[jumps and misses highchair]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! You see me?

Stewie Griffin: [Stew is about to have sex with Fran] Yes now go! Put your
[reading from book]
Stewie Griffin: penis in her vagina

Lois Griffin: [Stewie and Lois are at the Community Pool. Lois is trying to teach Stewie- who is pettrified of the water- how to swim] Aw, now don't worry Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you!
Stewie Griffin: SHUT UP! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Katie Couric: Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Pock shows his recipe for apple strudel.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.
Peter Griffin: [picks up a post box and throws it through the glass] Katie!
Katie Couric: [turns and shouts angrily] What?
Peter Griffin: Oh, well never mind then.
[walks away]

Katie Couric: Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.
Peter Griffin: [Knocking on the window] Katie.
Katie Couric: Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter Griffin: [Knocks on the window a 2nd time] Katie.
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Puck shows his recipe for Apple Strudel.
Peter Griffin: [Knocks on the window a 3rd time] Katie.
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.
Peter Griffin: [Peter grabs a P.O box and breaks the window] KATIE!
Katie Couric: WHAT?
Peter Griffin: [while walking away] Oh well, never mind.

Family Guy Presents: Something Something Something Dark Side (2009) (V)
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Captain Piett, you're in charge now. Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: A promotion? Really? Can I get business cards that say "Admiral"?
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here. I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?
Stormtrooper: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper. There's like a million of you. What do need business cards for?
Stormtrooper: Well, they're for my cookie business.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I don't want... Oh, my God. That chocolate cookie looks like the Death Star.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: And who are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: ...get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: How you doing, kid? You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [Leia runs up to Han while he's reading a book] Han! I think there's something...
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Han puts his finger up to quiet Leia and finishes with his current paragraph. Once done he turns to her] Hrmm?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Where?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Out there in the cave!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Ha! Crazy women always hearing things.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Let's go check it out.

[Han fires his blaster at a mynock. The ground shakes]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Wait a minute.
[Shoots the ground. It shakes again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hang on a second.
[Shoots the ground again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What's going on here?
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Something doesn't add up.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Just a minute.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Time out.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: This ain't quite right.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, now I get it. We should go.

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Upon seeing Boba Fett for the first time] Ha, ha! The Giant Chicken's Boba Fett!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [to Leia] I'm going to kiss you so hard, the scene is going to change to something different.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [to Lando] Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
[turns to the camera]
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Come on Luke, join the Dark Side - it's really cool!

"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Peter (Han Solo): [about the Millennium Falcon] Well, what do you think?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): What a piece of junk!
Peter (Han Solo): Thank you. This was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Is it a fast ship?
Peter (Han Solo): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Brian Griffin (Chewbacca): [makes a growling noise, then spits] Always gargle before I travel. Wakka Wakka! Ok, let's go.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): [Luke destroys a TIE Fighter] I got one! I got one!
Peter (Han Solo): Great kid! Don't get penis-y!

Peter (Han Solo): Great idea, Princess! Diving into a pile of garbage! Hey, maybe when we get out of here, you can show us around your home planet of Alderaan. Ohhhhhhhhh, too soon?

Peter (Han Solo): This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with Part Four.

Peter (Han Solo): I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

Peter (Han Solo): If you want, I'll show you around since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us.
Stormtrooper: Stop that ship! Blast them!
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

Peter (Han Solo): Looks like we've got Imperial cruisers on our tail. Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone. You are driving.

Peter (Han Solo): All right, strap yourselves in. I'm about to make the jump to light speed.
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Peter (Han Solo): We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose'em.
[the Falcon starts listing lazily to the left]
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Uh, that was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse'em.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up.
Imperial Officer 1: Where did they go?
Imperial Officer 2: There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!
Imperial Officer 1: Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

Peter (Han Solo): Everything's under control here. Situation normal.
Stormtrooper: What happened?
Peter (Han Solo): We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right. We're fine. We're all fine here now. Thank you. How are you?
Stormtrooper: I've been better.
Peter (Han Solo): Well, tell me what's up.
Stormtrooper: Well, I'm in this relationship and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I like her, but we're not really connecting.
Peter (Han Solo): How long has it been?
Stormtrooper: About ten months.
Peter (Han Solo): And how often do you see each other?
Stormtrooper: Couple times a week.
Peter (Han Solo): Well, why don't you try seeing each other a little more often and see if you connect a little more? And if not, it may be time to move on. Thanks for calling. This is Han Solo and I'm gonna be keeping you company for the next few hours right here on the midnight shift.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): They're coming too fast!
Peter (Han Solo): A nickel for every time I had that problem.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So, you got your reward and you're leaving? Is that it?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, when you say it that way, I sound like a douche. But yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter (Han Solo): I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter (Han Solo): Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter (Han Solo): Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter (Han Solo): Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter (Han Solo): And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter (Han Solo): I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
Peter (Han Solo): Well you put it that way, I sound like a douche, but yeah.

Peter (Han Solo): Look - a lightsaber chesse knife!

Peter (Han Solo): [Han has installed the couch in the Falcon's cockpit] See how much more comfortable we are shooting stuff!

Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, you mean the thing you just found out about three hours ago and are now judging *me* for not believing in?

"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Riff: Uh, okay, man, you are really throwing me off. It's step-kick-step-twirl. Got it?
Peter Griffin: I thought we were going gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks.
Riff: Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Why don't you just hang back and stretch?
[Peter looks disappointed]

Meg Griffin: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter Griffin: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

Peter Griffin: [riding a circus elephant] Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt, isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said *runt*.

[Stewie is taken by an airport security guard]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! You're one of them. What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money, women... men?

Stewie Griffin: What do you want?
Cult Leader: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is *untimely death*!

Cheesy Charlie's Manager: We have many flavors of ice cream - vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, and people.
Peter Griffin: What was that last one?
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Chocolate.

Brian Griffin: Well Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party out of your ass, you may wanna stand up.

Stewardess: Well hey there little boy, are you lost?
Stewie Griffin: Now listen to me...
[Reads name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE, I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight happy meal - and no pickles! Oh God help you if I find pickles!

[riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

Stewie Griffin: [to ticket agent] Now listen to me...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Manangua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. AND NO PICKLES! Oh, God help you if I find pickles.

Stewie Griffin: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.
Peter Griffin: But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.
Lois Griffin: Lucky there's a family guy.
Peter Griffin: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.
Stewie Griffin: Laugh and cry.

Brian Griffin: And when you had that Irish Coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
Peter Griffin: [the family is watching the movie in a theater, where everybody except Peter is crying] I got it, it's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Peter Griffin: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world!

Brian Griffin: Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you're allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, America's great, except for the South.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Mr. Weed: You're fired!
Peter Griffin: Aw, jeez. For how long?

Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

Stewie Griffin: You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get. You're life however is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
[pulls out grenades]
Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want you're toy back. Here you go.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[runs out of room]
Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!

Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

Mr. Weed: Griffin! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter Griffin: No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.

Family Guy (2006) (VG)
Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing Peter's destroyed satellite dish] God, it looks like an Iraqi trailer park.

[Carter and some cops bust into the Griffin House]
Carter Pewterschmidt: I knew it! Arrest that dog! He violated my restraining order and inpregnanted Seabreeze!
Brian Griffin: What? No I didn't!
Carter Pewterschmidt: [Carter pulls out money and bribes both cops] He's lying! And he's not caucasian!
[the cops proceed to beat up Brian]

[the PTV satellite gets blown up]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Keep it down up there! If that's Meg or some kind of squirrel, I'm gonna get my shotgun!

Brian Griffin: I'm not the father, Joe!
Joe Swanson: Unless you can prove that Brian, we gotta lock you up.
[Brian and Joe stop at a speedbump]
Joe Swanson: Dammit a speed bump. Who's the wise guy that put this speed bump here? It's not funny! Horowitz I'm looking at you! Yeah! Oh, laugh it up guys! This is in poor taste!

Peter Griffin: Nice try, Belvedere! Thinks he can just take me out with one of his brainwashed henchman disguised as a nurse! Well it's going to take a lot more then that to keep me from getting back Lois and Brian and Chris and Stewie and... and um... damn. Um... I wanna say... I wanna say Russ?

Peter Griffin: [while Bertram and Stewie are fighting on the roof] What the hell is that? If that's some kind of squirrel or Meg, I'm getting my shotgun.

Stewie Griffin: Bertram's obviously been planning this attack for sometime, but what's his master plan? I must find out! Therefore I have no choice, but to shrink myself down, and infiltrate his lair within the fat man's testicles. Gross.

Brian Griffin: [reading a video game magazine] Huh... hidden pornographic scene viewable by pressing up, up, down, down, left.
[pauses, then continues reading]
Brian Griffin: Horny gamers believe anything.

Brian Griffin: [upon seeing the interrogation room flooded, chuckles] Looks like someone needs to clean out the aquarium.

Brian Griffin: Still at it here, huh?
Peter Griffin: I have a responsibility to my PTV viewers, Brian. And nothing says viewers, like a five day, non-stop Mr. Belvedere marathon!
Brian Griffin: I gotta say, I never really cared for that show, kind of put out a weird vibe.
Peter Griffin: Shh, shh! I think this is the one where Mr. Belvedere sits on his own nuts!
Brian Griffin: And there's the weird vibe.

Stewie Griffin: I'll go Black Hawk Down on the helicopter.

"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: This is it, pal. We're goners.
Brian Griffin: Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway...
[Peter farts]
Brian Griffin: Peter, that's it!
[Brian farts]
Peter Griffin: Hey, pull my finger.
Brian Griffin: My pleasure.
[Peter farts]
Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.
[Brian farts]
Peter Griffin: Silent but lifesaving.

Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is... flaming.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter Griffin: You...

Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.

Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
Brian Griffin: Nice.

Peter Griffin: Oh man, this is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.

Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation. You'll be tanked, like the whole Irish nation. When you drink enough of my beer, you will find this magic rule. Make your every joke a jewel. You'll drive drunker than... Oksana Baiul. Go on buds, drink my suds, 'til you've reached that pure inebriation. Though the beer, may be free... you're just renting it from me.
Peter Griffin: It's like I died and went to heaven. But, but then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.

Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
[plays perfect piano]
Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!

Peter Griffin: Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
Peter Griffin: [flashback to when he was a kid] Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter hangs his head in shame]

Peter Griffin: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.

Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[cutaway to Peter on his bed]
Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.

"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Brian Griffin: Ah... Sorry Doc. I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kinda stuff.
Lady: Wait a minute... Brian you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter Griffin: A degenerate am I? Well you, are a vestiggio! See? I can make up words too sister!

Peter Griffin: Hey what do you think they put in the bug juice?
Brian Griffin: ...Bugs?
Peter Griffin: No way!... No they don't!... shut up!... come on!

Brian Griffin: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian Griffin: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: [on drugs] My day? Un-freaking-believable! First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll for god's sake!
[draws heavily on his cigarette then exhales]
Brian Griffin: Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... It's, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone honey, BAM! It freaking evaporated like a dingy, stinky mud puddle! One day you... you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a... it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway staring back at you, mocking you... Blah Blah Blah! Knowing the perverted truth will rot in the pit of your soul! That's how my freaking day was!
[everyone at the Table stares at him, then... ]
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

[the family is sitting in the kitchen]
Lois Griffin: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off?
Peter Griffin: Well, I... I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year!
[it switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad... it's not that good, but y'know... it's not that bad.
Brian Griffin: It's so-so.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... more or less...

Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP?

[Brian has discovered Peter at the clinic]
Brian Griffin: What are you doing here?
Peter Griffin: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.

Rehab Counselor: I don't think you're an addict, I think you're an idiot.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, well I don't pay you to think, hot lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it!

Stewie Griffin: [Brian walks in] Oh, splendid! Fido McCoke-fiend is home.

Peter Griffin: I'm NOT being insensitive, Lois. I just don't see why we have to cancel our vacation, just because the dog's a coke-fiend.

Joe Swanson: [referring to Brian] Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Glen Quagmire: Oh yeah? Heh, how good are you?
Brian Griffin: [sniff, sniff... sniff, sniff] You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...
[sniff]
Brian Griffin: and a man.
Glen Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
[Brian blinks once. Quagmire's facial expression changes]
Glen Quagmire: Nooo!

"Family Guy: Peter's Two Dads (#5.10)" (2007)
Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
[throws Stewie off his lap]
Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!
[throws Asian kid off his lap, Asian kid goes aghh for a second while being thrown]

Peter Griffin: All I know is, that somewhere in great land of Ireland, there is a fat bastard just like me.

Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
[leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.

[Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong]
Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Crack.
Brian Griffin: What the...
[beeping noise cuts off his last word]
Peter Griffin: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter Griffin: From Black's
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it

Peter Griffin: Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I-I don't know if you can hear me right now, but... I hope you know... I love you, Dad.
Francis Griffin: Peter... come closer. There's something... I need to say to you.
Peter Griffin: I'm here, Dad. What is it?
Francis Griffin: Peter... you're a fat, stinking drunk!
[dies]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, he's dead! He can't be dead! There's gotta be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the Pet Cemetery.
[cutaway to Peter burying Francis in the Pet Cemetery. As he finishes, Francis jumps out of the ground screaming]
Peter Griffin: [screams and wacks Francis with the shovel until he stops] Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

Brian Griffin: Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter Griffin: [about Mickey] There's got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.
Francis Griffin: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Peter Griffin: [looks up] What?
Francis Griffin: [standing as a ghost from Star Wars along with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You're a fat, stinking drunk!
Obiwan Kenobi: Yes, from what he's told us, that's right on the money.
Yoda: Challenge him you must.
Anikin Skywalker: [walks over as a ghost] And I'm Hayden Christensen.

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?

Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring and he never taught me anything, but still I slap my chest and sing of My Drunken Irish Dad. Oh, his face looks like a railroad map and he never shuts his freakin' trap...
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the clap from your Drunken Irish Dad.
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Reidon and Rooney, they'll tell you the same. McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by. Cafferty, Rafferty Joyce and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry!
Peter, Mickey: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm and our moods infect us like a germ, 'cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm!
Mickey: And we don't tan well either.
All: ...from a Drunken Irish Dad!

Peter Griffin: But there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my Mom and never called her again.
Mickey: Yeah, so what?
Peter Griffin: So what? So let's dance!

"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.

Peter Griffin: Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these bean bags.
Cloris Leachman: I don't know how to juggle...
Peter Griffin: GOD HELP YOU, CLORIS! JUGGLE THE BEAN BAGS!

Peter Griffin: [reads game card] For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aw, man! Doesn't anyone ever win at this game?
Cleveland Brown: You don't win. You just do a little better this time.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!

[Peter kicks open stall door in women's restroom; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Sorry, retarded.
Woman#1: Oh, it's okay.
[Peter kicks open second stall door; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Sorry, don't know any better.
Woman#2: Oh, bless you then.
[Peter kicks open third stall door; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Geez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded!
Woman#3: Oh, you're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

Joe Swanson: Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I just, umm... just recently found out that I'm umm... I'm mentally retarded, and umm... I just wanted to ask, umm... h-how do you deal with it?
Joe Swanson: Peter, I'm handicapped, not retarded.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now we're splittin' hairs.

Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... EEEYEAH! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, FUCKWAD!... I'm... I'm sorry about that.

Peter Griffin: Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read 'em and weep!
Brian Griffin: Um, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact... you're mentally retarded.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian Griffin: Um... maybe.
Peter Griffin: ...Uh oh.
[a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house]
Drunk Driver: Congratulations!

Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Max: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works.
Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?

Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.

Peter Griffin: Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it.

Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.

Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be?
Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!

Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: Thank you!

Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?

Peter Griffin: Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew.

"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Lois, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Peter shoves her down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Shoves Lois down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: Sorry but I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time.

Peter Griffin: [laughs at Lois] You said "nuclear"! It's "nucular" dummy, the S is silent.

[Peter has just eaten all the dehydrated food rations]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter Griffin: Huh. What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water, then immediately balloons to several times his size]
Peter Griffin: Everybody leave. I have to poop. *NOW!*
[the family runs away]

Cleveland Brown: Guns only lead to trouble.
Peter Griffin: That's right. And when trouble comes, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off.

Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Louis back away slowly]

Guy Handing Out Coupons: [to Peter, he holds a coupon out, dressed as a chicken] Excuse me, sir, would you like a coupon?
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, thank you, I don't trust giant chickens any more.
[goes to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Oh, uh, the nice chicken outside gave me a coupon.
Cashier: [looks at coupon] Oh, I'm sorry but this coupon expired yesterday.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at chicken outside] Son of a...
[jumps out window and tackles the chicken]

"Family Guy: Stewie Loves Lois (#5.1)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that was a prostate exam.
Peter Griffin: Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What?
Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: You sound just like him!
[Runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi.
[Runs off giggling]

Stewie Griffin: I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?

Peter Griffin: And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Doctor Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!
Peter Griffin: What!
Doctor Hartman: [points at Peter and smiles] Ehhhhh!
Peter Griffin: [points at Hartman] Ehhhhh!
[Audience applauds]

Peter Griffin: I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be real anal about this.
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Sphincter.

Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi...
[runs off giggling]

"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: [drunk, to Connie] Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving hand jobs when you were 12, but now, you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky skin, burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ball park?

Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

[Brian just confessed to Lois he and Meg made out at the prom]
Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
[cutaway to Lois in the kitchen, standing in front of the knock over trashcan; garbage is scattered all over the floor, Brian enters]
Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.
[Brian farts accidentally and he blows a huge pink bubble of gum from straight-out of his butt until it bursts into a quick, loud pop; Brian turns wide-eyed in shock and embarrassment]

Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
[to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile.
[uses the H in "while"]
Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say?
Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile."
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd.
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement

Meg Griffin: Hey Brian!
Brian Griffin: Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all.
Meg Griffin: Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie.
Brian Griffin: Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?
Meg Griffin: Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair.
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you?

"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey, excuse me, is your refrigerator running, because if it is, it probably runs like you... *very* homosexually.

Peter Griffin: I have an idea. An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Lois Griffin: Oh,the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the Breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.
Peter Griffin: Hold on,Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker.I think you are in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: [drunken clam guy] What did you say?
Peter Griffin: Oh, about the seat or my plow and your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: [Lois punches him] What the hell are you doing?

[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

[Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois Griffin: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter Griffin: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois Griffin: Take 'em off!
Peter Griffin: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.
[the next morning]
Brian Griffin: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian Griffin: Good Lord!
Peter Griffin: I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.
Brian Griffin: It's okay.

Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

Peter Griffin: Run along Stewie, Daddy had a rough night.
Stewie Griffin: Why you tottering fen sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with, excuse me.

"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietam, I mean when a Neo-Conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered deoxymonohydroxinate
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?

Stewie Griffin: Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Peter Griffin: [laughs]
Brian Griffin: [reading Nate Griffin's diary] See, that laugh is in here too. "Hehheheheheehehehe"

Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: Time to be hitting the old dusty trail.

Stewie Griffin: My, nice ones Jeanine, and look at Lisa in all of her glory.

Peter Griffin: I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!

"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Boys there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do. Like taking out Hitler.

Cleveland: [after falling into Spider-Man's net] Hey thanks Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one, isn't that right Peter?
Peter Griffin: Yep Cleveland, apparently everybody gets one.

Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.

Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with...
[reads from the clipboard]
Peter Griffin: a hammock of cake.

Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
[Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!

Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.
[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...

"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?

Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?
Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.

[Stewie sits next to a sullen Meg]
Stewie Griffin: So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou...
[burps]
Stewie Griffin: Oops, just burped.

Peter Griffin: What was the point of all that? Al it does it shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Augh!

Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort... do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter, are you EATING those?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt... of course I'm eating them!

Peter Griffin: While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort Goldman: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
Peter Griffin: Kathleen Turner... ehh? Let's see how she looks.
[glances at the magazine]
Peter Griffin: Aww, that's a shame.

"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
[Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]

Peter Griffin: There is no Peter, there is only Zuul!

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that
[with disgust]
Stewie Griffin: ... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.

Peter Griffin: Aw, you should've seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]

Cop: I will not put up with this. I'm a Family Guy!
Peter Griffin: Ha! There, he said it!

Jack Nicholson: [in As Good As It Gets] All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets?
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] Ha! He said it.

Superman: [in Superman 4] In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] So that's why this movie is called that.

Stewie Griffin: That is worse than the plot for Baby Mama.
Announcer: What would happen when a 40 year old woman put her eggs inside her 41 year old friend?

Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked.
Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.

"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!

Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yep! Now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there's an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.
Brian: [pause] Can I buy some pot from you?

Peter Griffin: [as a salesman unplugs a display TV, showing Peter's favorite holiday movie] Hey! I was watching that.
TV Shop Owner: It'll be on next Christmas.
Peter Griffin: Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... "nice."

"Family Guy: Don't Make Me Over (#4.4)" (2005)
Meg Griffin: I got a makeover, dad. Don't I look great?
Peter Griffin: Oh, Meg, honey, I always thought you looked beautiful just the way...
[breaks into laughter]
Peter Griffin: Couldn't do that with a straight face! Oh, welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?

Lois Griffin: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter Griffin: No Coke, Pepsi!
[Peter laughs, and Lois walks away]
Peter Griffin: Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Fallon! Say goodnight, you bum!
[punches Jimmy Fallon over and over]
Peter Griffin: And this is for laughing and looking at the camera during every comedy sketch you've ever been in! Who do you think you are, Carol Burnett? You think she did it so it's all right for you? You haven't earned what she's earned! All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter?

"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Ha, remember your trip to the southwest?
Peter Griffin: [a scene similar to the roadrunner cartoons appears as well as the roadrunner. When it stops, a car comes and hits it. Peter is driving the car] Oh, God, did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile. E. Coyote: [Wile. E. Coyote from the cartoon is in the passenger seat] No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile. E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine just keep going.

Lois Griffin: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

Peter Griffin: You know those Germans. If you don't join the party, they come get you.

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Brian Griffin: Hey, barkeep. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

"Family Guy: Spies Reminiscent of Us (#8.3)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: Here's my impression of John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims.

Peter Griffin: Wow, I can't believe that we are having dinner with 2 of the 3 Ghost Busters.
Chevy Chase: I wasn't in Ghostbusters.

Stewie Griffin: I can't all that happened just by saying the phrase, "My gosh, that Italian family at the next table is really quiet."

Brian Griffin: What are you guys doing in Quahog?
Dan Aykroyd: We are doing research for our next movie.

Peter Griffin: [Recurring line] Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims!

Peter Griffin: Let me show you something that's funny. Okay here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving.
[John Wayne]
Peter Griffin: I'm John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving pilgrims! Happy Thanksgiving pilgrims!
Stewie Griffin: Hahaha, Wheres this guy been?
Dan Aykroyd: Well Mr.Griffin this has been a lot of fun.
Chevy Chase: Lot of fun.
Dan Aykroyd: But we've got to get back over to our place and kind uh- do what... What do we have to do?
Chevy Chase: Roll some joints and get high.
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, we got to do those things.
Peter Griffin: That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives.
Stewie Griffin: Amen.
Dan Aykroyd: No Peter, you're not funny.
Chevy Chase: I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all.
Peter Griffin: I don't get it.
Chevy Chase: You're painfully unfunny.
Peter Griffin: Get the fuck out of my house!

"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do - learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.

Stewie Griffin: [while checking out motel room with a blacklight] Let's see... Oatmeal! Spittle! Semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane.

Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me!

[Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin: [looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me! What are you looking at you... you infantile... stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can... burn in hell...
[falls asleep]

"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school?
Brian Griffin: Well, yes, for Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999?
Brian Griffin: No, that's Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: Oh, the guy who played Sheneneh?
Brian Griffin: That's Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: The drunk crooner?
Brian Griffin: That's Dean Martin.
Peter Griffin: The drink that's best served on the rocks?
Brian Griffin: Martini and Rossi.
Peter Griffin: The guy on West Wing?
Brian Griffin: Martin Sheen.
Peter Griffin: The guy from Platoon?
Brian Griffin: Charlie Sheen.
Peter Griffin: No, the other guy from Platoon.
Brian Griffin: Uh...
Peter Griffin: C'mon...
Brian Griffin: Willem Dafoe?
Peter Griffin: [holds up card] Ooh, sorry. We were looking for Berenger, Tom Berenger. Thanks for playing, Brian, sorry it didn't work out for ya.

Peter Griffin: [looking at the wrong news article] 200 die in train derailment. Oh god, Lois! That is morbidly obese!

Peter Griffin: James, do we really have to watch "Videodrome"?
James Woods: Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate all the subtle nuances of my performance. See, even though that guy is talking, your eye is drawn to me.
Peter Griffin: [unimpressed] Yeah, is there going to be any nudity?
James Woods: Yes, I get naked.

Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.
[in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg]
Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
[Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg]

Adam West: Want some corn?
Brian Griffin: Sure.
[Brian reaches into the bag, but withdraws when his paw becomes sticky with a viscous substance]
Brian Griffin: What kind of corn is this?
Adam West: Creamed corn, I brought it from home. I don't like the corn they have here, it's too crunchy.

"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night, keep it down.
Jasper: Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with the lead pipe.

Peter Griffin: I love having visitors. Except for that time Moby Dick came to stay with us.
[Cut to the Griffin kitchen. Peter and Moby Dick are sitting across from each other]
Moby Dick: Do you have any Raisin Bran?
Peter Griffin: Uh, no. Sorry, we don't.
Moby Dick: Oh. Well, could you maybe get me some?
Peter Griffin: Oh, geez, that's kind of a pain in the... You know, we have Total, and we have some raisins. You could mix them together, that would be kind of like...
Moby Dick: Yeah, it would be like Raisin Bran, but it wouldn't really be Raisin Bran...
Peter Griffin: ...Kinda splittin' hairs here...
Moby Dick: ...Not really doing it for me.
Peter Griffin: What time did you say your flight was again?

Jasper: [exiting the terminal into the airport towards the Griffins, speaking effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [introducing his Filipino partner, Ricardo] Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
Jasper: [campily motions talking on a cellphone]
Jasper: Hello, who's that on the phone?-Temptation!... how does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you over dinner: Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend-Oo-hoh, I'm terrible!

Jasper: Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious: total kitsch, like an Andy Warhol wet-dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous!
Stewie Griffin: You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny: talking about earrings and using words like 'fabulous' and 'delicious' and 'wet'? Uch!-what's next: a workout followed by a romp around a crowded room whilst the music goes...
[makes the sound of a heavy bass beat similar to dance music, whilst Jasper and Ricardo dance in the background: they look confused when Stewie stops the beat]
Stewie Griffin: ?
Jasper: Oh, why d'you stop?

Jasper: [entering terminal with Ricardo, calling to Brian effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [motions to Ricardo, his Filipino partner] Everyone, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
[makes telephone gesture, speaks camply]
Jasper: Hello, whose that on the phone?-Temptation! How does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you all at dinner. Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend:
[laughs]
Jasper: Ooh hoh, I'm terrible!

"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
Brian Griffin: Those are colors

Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.

Peter Griffin: Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland Brown: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.
Quagmire: That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.

Lois Griffin: I'm not getting my tubes tied. You should get a vaectomy.
Peter Griffin: First of all, I don't know what that is. And second, no freakin' way!

Peter Griffin: Lois, men aren't fat, only fat women are fat.

"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab.

Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house?

Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]

Carter Pewterschmidt: [while in a Rigatta, Carter has a yaght, and the Griffans have a tub with a sail]
[shouts]
Carter Pewterschmidt: LOSER!
Peter Griffin: What did he say?
Carter Pewterschmidt: [throws a cell phone at the Griffins]
[Cell phone rings, and Peter picks it up]
Carter Pewterschmidt: I said you're a loser!
Peter Griffin: Who is this?

"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I've got something special for you.
Stewie Griffin: Jell-o, how exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. 2!

Carrot Top: [Using a bow as a prop] Look! A bow tie! Now I'm David Bowie! Now I'm Bo Derek!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie throws several tomahawks which narrowly miss Carrot Top] Oh, very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says, "Ooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter Griffin: I never knew anyone in this family had any talent, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris Griffin: You mean play the piano?
Peter Griffin: No, no, n... umm, yeah!

Peter Griffin: [refusing to accept he's lost] You know I can't ask another human being for directions.
Lois Griffin: Why not?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm a man. Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois?

"Family Guy: There's Something About Paulie (#2.16)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois Griffin: Peter, you know I never drink.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
Peter Griffin: Sure you are. Now.

Peter's Car: Take left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you!
Peter Griffin: Boy that's getting old.

Stewie Griffin: [Upon learning that Lois is the target of a hitman] Oh dear, there are so many people to thank! God, of course, and umm... who else? Oh, this is so unexpected.
[Discreetly checks a list pulled from his pocket]
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, SATAN!

Peter Griffin: What do you want me to do, whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get that thing taken care of.
Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh yeah, I had the doctor look at it.
[Cut to Peter at the doctor's office]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's not a growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the...?
Dr. Hartman: Testicles.

"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews.
[cut to Mel Gibson giving a speech]
Mel Gibson: I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all I'm really sorry about you dirty, underhanded, backstabbing ways. Your number one dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk
[gasps]
Meg Griffin: Mom!
[hides under the covers with Doug]
Lois Griffin: OH, MY, GOD!, you kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with my Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
[Lois looks up to find Meg had left and Brian is standing outside the door]
Brian Griffin: I love you!

Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?

Peter Griffin: I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Brian Griffin: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
Jillian: Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
Brian Griffin: Uh, well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it, uh...
Jillian: Oh! See, yeah, I'm not quite - We can't do this over the phone! You're gonna have to come over.
Brian Griffin: I can't come over! We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
Jillian: No, they don't! Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
Brian Griffin: What? I have to go!
[starts to hang up the phone]
Jillian: Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian Griffin: There you go, sport.
Jillian: Thank you!
[Brian hangs up the phone]

Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous.
[he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]

Peter Griffin: If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.
[pauses then looks to the camera]
Peter Griffin: Yeah.

[Lois has brought Stewie, who is disguised as a girl, to a toddler beauty pageant]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in

Peter Griffin: I have an idea so smart, that my head would explode if I even begin to know what I was talking about!

Stewie Griffin: What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!

Peter Griffin: Lois, Who's The Boss is not a food.
Brian Griffin: Swing and a miss.

Stewie Griffin: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click, click, bloody click PANCAKES!

"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?

[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Peter Griffin: Hey Lois, get ready to laugh, get ready to laugh.
[pops head out of Meg's butt]
Peter Griffin: Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!
[laughs]

Home Supply Employee: Can I help you?
Peter Griffin: yeah, I hate my neighbor and I want to build something crazy out of spite.
Home Supply Employee: well I'll take you to our one up-man-ship aisle

"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [about Nigel] He's Charming. All british men are.
Peter Griffin: Sure Lois, that's what they said about that Benjamin Disraeli guy.
Benjamin Disraeli: [Writing at desk after a pause] You don't know who I am!