Stan Smith Quotes

 "American Dad!: Con Heir (#2.4)" (2005)
Francine Smith: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan Smith: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Francine Smith: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan Smith: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Stan Smith: This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!
Francine Smith: Say WHAAAAT?

Avery Bullock: We've located an al-Qaeda cell camped out in the desert of Algeria.
Stan Smith: Are they planning an attack?
Avery Bullock: No, they're just on a camping trip.
Stan Smith: Those s'mores-making bastards!

Jack: Now son, breaking in to a safe is like making love to a woman.
Stan Smith: So, we should just pound on it for like two minutes?

Francine Smith: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan Smith: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Francine Smith: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan Smith: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan Smith: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine Smith: I get it.
Stan Smith: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Francine Smith: You quit your job!
Stan Smith: Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.
Francine Smith: You mean you haven't got the job yet!
Stan Smith: Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure
Francine Smith: Rich in adventure!
[Pretends to be on the phone]
Francine Smith: Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!
Stan Smith: Well what'd they say.

Stan Smith: I can't believe you would choose being a jewel thief over the two most important things, being a spy and your son's love.
Jack: [pretending to be on the phone] Hello French Riviera can I buy a shato with my sons love?
Stan Smith: Yes, yes, we've all heard the bit.

"American Dad!: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Hayley Smith: [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad.
Stanley Smith: This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.

Stanley Smith: Osama, is that you?

Stanley Smith: Hillary, look out for the mine!
[Explosion]
Stanley Smith: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
Steve Smith: You said look out for the mine.
Stanley Smith: I said look out for the mine.

Hayley Smith: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!
Stanley Smith: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

Hayley Smith: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stanley Smith: You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stanley Smith: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

Stanley Smith: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts]
Stanley Smith: So look sharp!

Stanley Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley Smith: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley Smith: Henry, antidote.

Stanley Smith: Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Francine Smith: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan Smith: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

[Stan lectures Steve on what to do if he is compromised, which will result in Stan bombing his location]
Stan Smith: C'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy, or that little girl from "Poltergeist." She must be at least 16 by now, you could totally hit that!

Stan Smith: Well, I think I'm fully strapped.
Klaus: There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus, hmm?
Stan Smith: Nope, occupado.
[pulls out a spiked ball and chain]

Francine Smith: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan Smith: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan Smith: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

[on the roof, speaking through a megaphone]
Stan Smith: Until you give the exact details of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sleep.
Linda: It's two in the afternoon.
Stan Smith: No sleep! That's right. Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it? Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet... lilting... lullaby...
[snores, falls off roof]

Stan Smith: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan Smith: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine Smith: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan Smith: But not smallpox.
[laughs]
Stan Smith: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Stan Smith: [as his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler...that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

"American Dad!: Finances with Wolves (#2.11)" (2006)
Hayley Smith: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve Smith: And we widen to reveal...
Stan Smith: Look at all this cool stuff!

Francine Smith: This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.
Stan Smith: We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
Francine Smith: I'm talking about respect, Stan.
Stan Smith: Oh my God, you respected her?! You're dead, Klaus!

Stan Smith: Now, make me that breakfast you owe me.
Klaus: Right away. But first, let me ask you something. How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?
Stan Smith: Uh, three should do it... What?!
[Klaus knocks Stan unconscious with a frying pan]

Stan Smith: Here we go - mac and cheese. "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

Francine Smith: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan Smith: You made all this in one day?
Francine Smith: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Francine Smith: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan Smith: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.
Francine Smith: Oh, just forget it!
Stan Smith: Great call, Francine.

Steve Smith: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan Smith: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Francine Smith: Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Stan Smith: Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 1 (#2.5)" (2005)
Stan Smith: Just because we're in Saudi Arabia doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
[Referring to Stan's obsession with the TV show "Lost"]

Stanley Smith: Damnit! This is all Francine's fault! She could have started the wave of laughter. Laughter is contagious, like Small Pox or Gay!

Stan Smith: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine Smith: Stan, what the hell?
Stan Smith: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Francine Smith: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan Smith: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

Stan Smith: Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party, which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.

Hayley Smith: Bye, dad. We're going to see the new Michael Moore documentary.
Stan Smith: Michael Moore... ? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden.

"American Dad!: Stan Knows Best (#1.3)" (2005)
Francine Smith: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine Smith: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley Smith: Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine Smith: It took me nine months to make it!

Stanley Smith: [holding a baby] One of us pooped.

"American Dad!: Francine's Flashback (#1.4)" (2005)
[Amnesia has Francine thinking she's 21 again, and she's run off to Burning Man with Hayley's punknik-hippie boyfriend]
Hayley Smith: Mom stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at 'em by dating each other. Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stanley Smith: Shoot him! Shoot him!
[We see Stan is watching Sesame Street]
Elmo: Big Bird why don't you share your cookie with Cookie Monster?
Stanley Smith: Don't trust him. He eats cookies but he never swallows anything!

Roger the Alien: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stanley Smith: Who?
Roger the Alien: The black guys that did this.

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stanley Smith: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

"American Dad!: A Smith in the Hand (#2.2)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: [singing] Acid, lava, and your crotch. These are things you must not touch!

Stanley Smith: [Talking to lighter] Soon my pet, soon I will feed you the world.

Stanley Smith: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve Smith: Well, I guess not. But...
Stanley Smith: See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It will just be a fact. An ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And, you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, Son?
Steve Smith: No.
Stanley Smith: And that's where babies come from.

Steve Smith: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stanley Smith: That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

Steve Smith: Dad! There you are.
Stanley Smith: Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where else would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve Smith: Yeah, right. Only perverts and democrats do that.
Stanley Smith: [laughs] Well said, soldier.

"American Dad!: Bullocks to Stan (#2.1)" (2005)
Hayley Smith: [Hayley is dating Bullock, Stan's boss] I came over here after the party, we started talking, and... you know. And besides, he has a huge...
Stanley Smith: Penis. Haley! Damn.
Hayley Smith: I was going to say "heart" but... well, you saw his shoes.

[Bullock has maimed Jeff]
Hayley Smith: Dad! Do something!
Stanley Smith: [to waitress] So what, exactly, is a "frittata"?
Hayley Smith: Dad!
Stanley Smith: Hey, I'm hungry! This man rode me like an animal for three hours. Do you have ANY idea what that's like?
Hayley Smith: [pause; Hayley glares at him]
Stanley Smith: And now I'm not hungry.

Hayley Smith: If all the CIA is at this picnic, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stanley Smith: The FBI pulls a double shift.

Stanley Smith: [after swallowing a self-destructing letter] I'm pooping blood tonight.

Francine Smith: Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion. It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
Stanley Smith: Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland! Where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard and the Shouldland High football team get their optimistic asses kicked by their crosstown rival, Reality Check Tech.

"American Dad!: Roger Codger (#1.5)" (2005)
Steve Smith: Don't you have any feelings?
Stanley Smith: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Roger the Alien: Don't hurt me! I know it sounds cliche, but I mean you no harm!
Stanley Smith: You're the alien? But they said you'd be bigger, and with claws.
Roger the Alien: Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. See? Kitty can scratch.

Stanley Smith: [Stan is brushing his teeth, and breaks the toothbrush] Damn Chinese toothbrushes! You know, they can make a chicken taste like an orange, but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stanley Smith: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley Smith: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Stanley Smith: My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

"American Dad!: Rapture's Delight (#6.9)" (2009)
Stan Smith: I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisys.

Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan Smith: God pays twice as much attention on Christmas, like the media when a white kid goes missing.

Stan Smith: It's raining wise men. Hallelujah.

"American Dad!: Threat Levels (#1.2)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla, and you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent and we'll promenade around the neighborhood delighting both young and old alike with our saucy banter.

Stanley Smith: [after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?
Roger the Alien: Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.
Stanley Smith: So explain that cold sore.
Roger the Alien: [shouts] Mind your own business!

Stanley Smith: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
Jackson: Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.
Jeff: Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Kevin: I used to work in real estate.
Stanley Smith: What are you, gay?
Stanley Smith: I was when I worked in real estate. Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that.
Stanley Smith: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?

"American Dad!: Every Which Way But Lose (#5.17)" (2009)
Roger Smith: If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm gonna pumpkin.

Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger Smith: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Stan Smith: Look at this! We're having a father/son moment.
Steve: [punches Stan in the groin] Quit ruining it!

"American Dad!: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever (#4.8)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [to Francine] Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator doesn't mean you know how it works.

Stan Smith: I don't know why Francine's so mad about me for always being right. I don't get mad at her for always being wrong.
[pause]
Stan Smith: Boobs are holding up nicely for a gal her age, I'll say that.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan Smith: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan Smith: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan Smith: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan Smith: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.

"American Dad!: Roy Rogers McFreely (#5.12)" (2009)
Stan Smith: An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Stan Smith: Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.

"American Dad!: Deacon Stan, Jesus Man (#1.7)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine Smith: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.

Stanley Smith: [to his wife] Potato salad. Not adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

"American Dad!: Star Trek (#2.8)" (2005)
Francine Smith: Anything for me?
Stanley Smith: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Stanley Smith: [his wife's roots are showing] Francine, looking at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.

"American Dad!: Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold (#4.15)" (2008)
Francine Smith: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan Smith: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley Smith: It's just a nose ring.
Stan Smith: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine Smith: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

"American Dad!: Bush Comes to Dinner (#3.10)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that's our maid.
George W. Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!

"American Dad!: Of Ice and Men (#3.7)" (2006)
Francine Smith: You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?
Stan Smith: How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

"American Dad!: Dungeons and Wagons (#3.5)" (2006)
Stan Smith: Francine, run!
Roger the Alien: Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

"American Dad!: All About Steve (#2.3)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: Sweet Sally Struthers... Sweet Sally Struthers! I can say "Sweet Sally Struthers!"

"American Dad!: Black Mystery Month (#3.13)" (2007)
Steve Smith: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?
Stan Smith: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

"American Dad!: The Magnificent Steven (#3.18)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [to a photo of George W. Bush] Who's going to take over when I'm enjoying a glorious Reagan-style slide into dementia? What do you think? You're the smartest person I know. I mean, I've always respected you, even when you were drinking and doing all that coke.

"American Dad!: Lincoln Lover (#3.4)" (2006)
Steve Smith: I thought we hated gays.
Stan Smith: Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

"Family Guy: Lois Kills Stewie (#6.5)" (2007)
[Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from "American Dad!" confront Brian and Stewie after Stewie gains control of the world's power grid]
Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.
[Realizing they have no choice, Stan and Bullock lower their guns]
Avery Bullock: What are your demands?

"American Dad!: Jack's Back (#5.13)" (2009)
Stan Smith: [Talking about his camping trip with his dad and son] It was really fun, you should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything.

"American Dad!: Big Trouble in Little Langley (#4.4)" (2007)
[after Bah Bah rescued Stan from being trapped in his own home because Mr. Dawson refuses to bail him out and arrogantly abandons him with his wife.]
Stan Smith: Why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Bah Bah: Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She failed math in school. Imagine, Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan Smith: It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

"American Dad!: An Apocalypse to Remember (#3.14)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [realizes he in a camp for deaf kids] Alright! Hey, I'm gonna go in the kitchen steal your food! Marlee Matlin sucks!
Stan Smith: [Exits then returns] You know what, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.

"American Dad!: Stannie Get Your Gun (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Heisler: [pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again.
Stanley Smith: [distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair?
[stabs Stan in the leg with a fork]
Stanley Smith: Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!
Dr. Heisler: It's the bullet that saved you.
Stanley Smith: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley Smith: What?
Stanley Smith: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#2.16)" (2006)
[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley Smith: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine Smith: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley Smith: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine Smith: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine Smith: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley Smith: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine Smith: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley Smith: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine Smith: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine Smith: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

"American Dad!: Man in the Moonbounce (#6.5)" (2009)
Stan Smith: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

"American Dad!: Joint Custody (#3.19)" (2007)
Stanley Smith: Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world.
[hugs bag of Cheetos.]

"American Dad!: Return of the Bling (#6.13)" (2010)
Stan Smith: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads.