Glen Quagmire Quotes

"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Captain Piett, you're in charge now. Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: A promotion? Really? Can I get business cards that say "Admiral"?
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here. I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?
Stormtrooper: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper. There's like a million of you. What do need business cards for?
Stormtrooper: Well, they're for my cookie business.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I don't want... Oh, my God. That chocolate cookie looks like the Death Star.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: And who are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: ...get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: How you doing, kid? You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

[Han fires his blaster at a mynock. The ground shakes]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Wait a minute.
[Shoots the ground. It shakes again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hang on a second.
[Shoots the ground again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What's going on here?
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Something doesn't add up.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Just a minute.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Time out.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: This ain't quite right.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, now I get it. We should go.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Upon seeing Boba Fett for the first time] Ha, ha! The Giant Chicken's Boba Fett!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [to Leia] I'm going to kiss you so hard, the scene is going to change to something different.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [to Lando] Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
[turns to the camera]
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Come on Luke, join the Dark Side - it's really cool!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed too quickly.
Imperial Officer: I had that problem with a chick the other night!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, gross!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [On Lando] He's a black guy - in fact he's probably the only black guy in the galaxy.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Let's hope, right!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo, Lois Griffin as Princess Leia, Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Whoa!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a Jedi yet! You're getting there, you're getting there though!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I was trying to call Luke Adams - his name is right next to yours in my helmet!

Family Guy Presents: It's a Trap (2010) (V)
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: The mighty Jabba has decreed that you are to be thrown in the Sarlacc pit. There, you will discover a new meaning of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over 1,000 years.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week. Right? Big lips on a stick knows what I'm talking about.
Sy Snoodles: Ha! Fiber!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, take your helmet off. I'll do "got your nose."
Stormtrooper: We're not supposed to take these off, but I really want to see that.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What the hell? Your head is so small.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.
[shoots Stormtrooper in the head]

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [to Jabba] Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh!
[mockingly]
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, that's kind of dark.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I will not fight you.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: No.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! I'll see you at 7:00.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, thanks for the sex, early 90's printer.

Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, it sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the 'Hey, let's experiment' kind of boarded from the rear.

Quagmire (C-3PO): Who would you rather do: Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?
Cleveland (R2-D2): My father was a service droid!

"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, what are you doing here?
Glen Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity-giggity-giggity-goooo!

Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy, let's have sex!

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

"Family Guy: Airport '07 (#5.12)" (2007)
Quagmire: [over the plane's intercom] Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

Quagmire: We know you have your choice in airport sex, and we thank you for choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents in your panties may have shifted during coitus.

Quagmire: I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down.
Hugh M. Hefner: Did you do the best you could?
Quagmire: Well, I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.
Hugh M. Hefner: You know, that reminds me of what one young man once said: John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. He said, 'You know, I've got a 13-inch member, and Glenn Quagmire is the best damn pilot I have ever seen.'
Quagmire: John Holmes said that?
Hugh M. Hefner: You bet he did, right before he died a very painful AIDS-related death from having unprotected sex with so many people.

"Family Guy: Jerome Is the New Black (#8.7)" (2009)
Glen Quagmire: You wanna maybe just go?
Brian Griffin: Quagmire, come on. I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to try hard?
Brian Griffin: Nobody, but I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: ...Okay, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for notching, you always say "Oh, I'll get you later" but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interruption of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should had known You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.
[sighs]
Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!

Brian Griffin: How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but later never comes! And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much - he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have YOU done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen YOU down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.
[sighs]
Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak!

Brian Griffin: [Brian has found out Quagmire hates him, and is trying to make friends over dinner] Quagmire, c'mon, I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to "try hard"?
Brian Griffin: Nobody. But all, I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try be nice to you, and you still don't like me, how can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: OK. I'll tell you.
[pauses]
Glen Quagmire: You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food, and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing, you're always saying "Oooh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me? Is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of "Catcher in the Rye," and then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation about Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual.
[shouts]
Glen Quagmire: He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat - and that's why you like him so much. He's you! God, you're pretentious. And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note - she would have known there was no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate about you most is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how Big Business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have *you* done to help? I work down in the soup kitchen, Brian - never seen you down there. You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way - driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh! Wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ! Or any religion for that matter, because
[mockingly ]
Glen Quagmire: "religion is for idiots." Well, who the hell are *you* to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all that - all of it. If you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian - you're just a big, sad, alcoholic *bore*.
[sighs]
Glen Quagmire: See you, Brian. Thanks for the f***ing steak.

"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and, let's just say, you're cleared for landing! Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [in the distance] *giggity!*

Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Gigidi Gigidi

Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Gigidi Gigidi?

"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Glen Quagmire: I gotta find a way out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours?
Cleveland Brown: You slept with my wife.

Glen Quagmire: [noticing the ring on his finger at his reception] Giggity giggity GOD, I made a terrible mistake!

"Family Guy: Quagmire's Baby (#8.6)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?
Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you

Peter Griffin: Now hold on, Quagmire. We don't know if this kid really is yours yet.
Annaleigh Quagmire: Giggity.
Quagmire: Oh... I say that.

"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: [Spying Lois from outside to the restourant with binoculars] What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore?
[He looks at Peter]
Quagmire: Oh, know you, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dyalipsis? As in my fantasy? Oh, you know what? Let's start over, Hi! I'm Quagmire!
[He reaches his hand to Peter]

Peter Griffin: [Trying to hear Lois with her old boyfriend in a restourant from the policial van of Joe, turning round the knob] Wait I got to hear more!
Joe Swanson: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!
Quagmire: [Guys hear Quagmire's thoughts] Damn, this itches, I wonder who gave it to me, problably that skank that needed a ride in the gas station, it's the last time I do somebody a favor... Oh, they must have heard me, oh God! I can hear me...
[starts singing, watching everywhere while Joe, Peter and Cleveland are watching him]

"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with...
[reads from the clipboard]
Peter Griffin: a hammock of cake.

"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?
Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.

"Family Guy: And Then There Were Fewer (#9.1)" (2010)
Glen Quagmire: Can't we all just be happy she's dead?

"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin: What?
Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.

"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: Hey Brian what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood.
Glen Quagmire: I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.
Joe Swanson: Listen Brian there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.
Brian Griffin: That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.
Cleveland: Brian I want to punch you in the dick right now.

"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
Transvetite: [in deep voice] Sure.
Glen Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?
Transvetite: Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off!

"Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One (#5.17)" (2007)
Glen Quagmire: ["campaigning" for Lois by seducing female voters] If I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word BANG on it!

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?

"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland Brown: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.
Quagmire: That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.

"Family Guy: A Fish Out of Water (#3.10)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: So what, were you like, in an accident or something?
Seamus: [Who has two wooden legs and two wooden arms] No, me father was a tree.

"Family Guy: Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (#3.21)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: I say, Quagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million dollars.
Quagmire: Good thing we swore off women so we wouldn't be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth.
Peter Griffin: Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

"Family Guy: Ocean's Three and a Half (#7.7)" (2009)
Cleveland Brown: [Voice Identification]
[In Carter's voice]
Cleveland Brown: It's me Carter, I want my money.
Computer: Voice print verified.
Glenn Quagmire: How the hell'd you do that?
Cleveland Brown: I can do you guys too.
[In Peter's exact voice]
Cleveland Brown: Hey everybody.
Peter Griffin: [Peter brightens up] Oh hey Peter!
Cleveland Brown: No it's still me.

"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked.
Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.

"Family Guy: Back to the Woods (#6.9)" (2008)
[Peter and his friends have heard about an upcoming Barry Manilow concert]
Joe Swanson: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you know we should do? We should go, just as a goof.
Quagmire: That would be hilarious.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
Cleveland: All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
Peter Griffin: I mean he's got like one good song.
Quagmire: Yeah... I mean "Mandy" is not terrible.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, the opening is okay.
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana".
Quagmire: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Joe Swanson: "Daybreak" is a good song.
Cleveland: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: That's a good song. And I like "Weekend in New England".
Quagmire: Yeah, that's a good one. "Looks Like We Made It".
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's not bad.
Quagmire: Right.
[long pause]
Joe Swanson: [sotto voice] I love Barry Manilow.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, he's the best!
Quagmire: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me too, in my car!
Peter Griffin: We have to go to that concert!

"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
Glen Quagmire: [sitting naked in what looks like a bachelor pad] Welcome to "Midnight Q". Tonight, we're going to enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book, and then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity-giggity, giggity-goo. Stick around.

"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up half way through.

"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Glen Quagmire: Hey gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
Woman in Bar: I'm with my husband!
Glen Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero.
[Quagmire's face punched by husband]
Glen Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think?
[punched again by husband]
Glen Quagmire: Huh, I'll be right over there.

"The Cleveland Show: Gone with the Wind (#1.17)" (2010)
[Quagmire has brought Loretta's coffin to Cleveland in Stoolbend]
Glenn Quagmire: Well, I'll run her over to the funeral home. Then I'm heading on up to Langley. Got a background gag in a bachelor party scene on "American Dad."
Cleveland Brown: Oh, that... that's good. Paying work.
Glenn Quagmire: Save it. Have fun on your spin-off, Joey.
[Quagmire drives away]
Cleveland Brown: I will! And this ain't no "Joey", you one-note fuck!

"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Joe Swanson: [referring to Brian] Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Glen Quagmire: Oh yeah? Heh, how good are you?
Brian Griffin: [sniff, sniff... sniff, sniff] You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...
[sniff]
Brian Griffin: and a man.
Glen Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
[Brian blinks once. Quagmire's facial expression changes]
Glen Quagmire: Nooo!

"Family Guy: Meet the Quagmires (#5.18)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me!
Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my wang.

"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...
[Brian and Stewie notice Peter and Lois lying on the couch, nude]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.
[both laugh hysterically]
Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!

"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...
[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.

"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: I can't believe she went ahead and did it, after I specifically told her how I felt.
Brian Griffin: Well clearly she believed it was within her right to...
[begins sniffing the air]
Brian Griffin: Lois just peed on something.
[Quagmire pops through the window]
Glen Quagmire: Hey Brian, you picking up on that?
Brian Griffin: Yep.

"Family Guy: Three Kings (#7.15)" (2009)
Chris Quagmire: Ha ha! Beat those cards, fellas! Ha ha ha! Giggety-giggety-fifties-giggety!