Thursday, September 09, 2010

A list of known Space Corp Directives from Red Dwarf.

003. 'By joining Star Corps each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty and adequate toilet facilities.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
005. 'Gross negligance, leading to the endangerment of personnel.'(although titled as an article) (Queeg)
112. 'that clearly states: a living crew member always out-ranks a mechanical'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD113 instead of SCD112, also mentioned in White Hole)
142. 'quite clearly states that in a hostage demand situation, a hologramatic personality is entirely expendable'(Season V, Rimmer mistakes it for SCD192 instead of SCD142)
147. 'Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on permission of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.' ("Ouroboros", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
195. States that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crew-members might survive. ("White Hole")
312. States that crew members in quarantine must be provided with minimum leisure facilities, which Rimmer takes to mean: 'a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, Wall-Papering, Painting, And Stippling — A DIY Guide. ("Quarantine")
349. 'Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
497. 'When a crewmember has run out of credits, food may not be supplied until the balance is restored' (although titled as an article) (Queeg)
592. 'In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be given to whichever officer can programme a VCR.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII, Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
595. A quarantine regulation (probably something like "any member of the crew who has been in anywhere that carries disease must go into quarantine). ("Quarantine")
596. Crew files are for the eyes of the Captain only ("Back to Earth (Part Two)")
597. One berth per registered crew member. ("Quarantine")
699. States that crew members may demand a rescreening after five days in quarantine showing no ill effect. ("Quarantine")
723. 'Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book). In the United States, 'Swindon' is changed to 'Cleveland'. (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII).
997. 'Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1694. 'During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crew member whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1742. 'No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee.' ("Psirens", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1743. 'No registered vessel should attempt to traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.' ("Psirens")
5796. 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples.' ("Psirens")
5797. Has something to do with "not letting a crew-member aboard if he may, in fact, be a brain-sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper". ("Psirens")
7214. To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
7713. States that the log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card. (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
34124. 'No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.' ("Legion", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
43872. 'Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.' (Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
68250. Is never quoted, but is known to be impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi, presumably the Jewish Ritual "Kapparot". ("Emohawk")
98247. 'No officer should be left behind on an inhabited planet unless he is missing two or more limbs.' (Advertising for the 2009 Red Dwarf special episodes. Message 2 [1])
196156. 'Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.' ("Rimmerworld", Red Dwarf 1996 Log Book)
1947945. 'A mechanoid may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a hitherto unperceived source and there is inadequate time to explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent death threat.' (quoted by Kryten in the original script for "Back to Reality")
572 436 8217968B. 'At all times show your allegiance to Red Dwarf in the US by picking up your phone and calling your local public television station with your pledge.' (PBS ident, also included on the DVD for series VIII; Kryten complains that Rimmer has just made it up)
39436175880932/B. 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.' (Although this is given the title ' The All-Nations Agreement') ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
39436175880932/C. 'POWs have a right to non-violent constraint.' ("Gunmen of the Apocalypse")
?. 'It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home.' (Not given a number on-screen.) ("Polymorph")

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