It's a wonderful day for Pie....

A new wordpress Blog GarryWalker.com

For a long time I have been quite happy with the blogger.com platform however, there are certain limitations to the service and I have decided to set up my own wordpress blog.

If you would like a wordpress blog please contact www.chingfordcomputerservices.com and we can have you up and running within a few hours - for as little as £100. 

My wordpress blog can be found at http://www.garrywalker.com

New Blog Traffic

I am really pleased that my blog traffic seems to be growing exponentially week on week. This is also translating into a small increase in advertising revenue - although I am still far from being able to retire on my blog income I probably earn significantly more than a farmer in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Last month I had over 3,500 hits.

I have attached my latest google stats.

My Peter Griffins Quotes page has shown particualar growth and probably accounts for the majority of the traffic increase. As to why this is I am unsure. 

My goal for next month is 6,000 visitors. 

Richard Pryor Quotes

A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.

Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn't make it.

Everyone carries around his own monsters.

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

I believe in divine forces and energies.

I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.

I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.

I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

I just don't want to die alone, that's all. That's not too much to ask for, is it It would be nice to have someone care about me, for who I am, not about my wallet.

I know that if I wasn't scared, something's wrong, because the thrill is what's scary.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

I realized this is what God has dealt me, and I should be thankful considering all that's happened to me in my life, but MS caused the movies to stop - stop dead - and I miss it.

I think about being married again, having a home and a wife. No one can ever be married too many times, and maybe if I keep trying I'll get it right one day.

I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.

I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.

I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.

I was an only child.

I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.

I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.

I'm not for integration and I'm not against it.

If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don't feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there's too much that I still want to do.

Imagine people calling you to find out if you're dead. I've led a real crazy life at times, and I've had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.

It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

Movies are movies, and I don't think any of them are going to hurt the moral fiber of America and all that nonsense.

Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

The black groups that boycott certain films would do better to get the money together to make the films they want to see, or stay in church and leave us to our work.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.

There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.

When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude.

Yes, I'm religious. God has shown me things, made certain ways clear to me.

You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.

Charlie Chaplin Quotes

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All my pictures are built around the idea of getting in trouble and so giving me the chance to be desperately serious in my attempt to appear as a normal little gentleman.

Brunettes are troublemakers. They're worse than the Jews.

Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.

Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people.

Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.

I am at peace with God. My conflict is with Man.

I am for people. I can't help it.

I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that must be explained to be understood. If it does need additional interpretation by someone other than the creator, then I question whether it has fulfilled its purpose.

I don't believe that the public knows what it wants; this is the conclusion that I have drawn from my career.

I had no idea of the character. But the moment I was dressed, the clothes and the make-up made me feel the person he was. I began to know him, and by the time I walked onto the stage he was fully born.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

I thought I would dress in baggy pants, big shoes, a cane and a derby hat. everything a contradiction: the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large.

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

I'd sooner be called a successful crook than a destitute monarch.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.

Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.

Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.

Remember, you can always stoop and pick up nothing.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

The glamour of it all! New York! America!

The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.

This is a ruthless world and one must be ruthless to cope with it.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery.

We might as well die as to go on living like this.

We think too much and feel too little.

What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning.

Why should poetry have to make sense?

Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is 'elephant'.

East Seventeen Bikes

I have recently been asked to create a website for a local business who were in of one. In addition to this I am helping them gain extra exposure by creating local listings for them on the google maps service and registration with local directories.

Here is the website - it isn't finished yet - but I would appreciate any feedback people can give me regarding it.

East Seventeen Bikes

I have also set them up a blog.

East Seventeen Bikes Blog. 

Frankie Boyle

A new blog

I have recently been commissioned to improve the Whites Gentlemen's Clubs website. To provide a place for regular updates and some inbound links to help with SEO I have also set them up a blog http://clubwhites.blogspot.com.

Stewie Griffin Quotes

Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Stewie Griffin

Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!
Stewie Griffin

What's this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G...oh, that's better than sex!
Stewie Griffin

You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence... gotta get me some of that.
Stewie Griffin

Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Strewie Griffin

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany. [Throws his hand up in a Hitler salute.]
Brian Griffin: Uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: [Snapping out of it] Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Stewie Griffin [reading the Bible]: My my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Chris Griffin: Please, don't say pooh.

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Stewie Griffin

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
Stewie Griffin

Victory is mine!
Stewie Griffin

When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
Stewie Griffin

Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
Stewie Griffin

Forecast for tomorrow; a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!
Stewie Griffin

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!?
Stewie Griffin: Hi. [runs off giggling]

Damn you all.
Strewie Griffin

Brian Griffin: You're drunk.
Stewie Griffin: You're sexy.

Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.
Stewie Griffin

You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Stewie Griffin

Hmm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate cake for Stewie, [holds up a leaf to Chris] and something very tasty for big, fat you.
Stewie Griffin

Lois Griffin: What's going on down here?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois Griffin: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.

Lois Griffin: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell?

Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.

For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
Stewie Griffin

Meg Griffin: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie Griffin: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Lois Griffin [trying to feed Stewie broccoli airplane style]: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
Lois Griffin: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well then. L...
[Lois shoves the Broccoli into his mouth. Stewie then spits it out.]
Stewie Griffin: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois Griffin: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie Griffin: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

[watching cheerleaders changing in a locker room] It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor-mortis.
Stewie Griffin

I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
Stewie Griffin

Peter Griffin [trying to potty-train Stewie]: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Rea... Really?

Meg Griffin: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Chris Griffin: What did you get from your boyfriends?
Meg Griffin: Oh you know from my boyfriend, Prince William, I got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and a sceptre...[goes crazy and runs away crying]
Stewie: She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS…[Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.] I'm going to do it! [Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.] BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

[In car with Brian, says to police officer] We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.
Stewie Griffin

By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.
Stewie Griffin

Do the women there have exposed clitorati?
Stewie Griffin

Stewie Griffin [picking a booger]: Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talkin' to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Lois Griffin [finding note in Chris's pocket]: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Napoleon Bonaparte Quotes

A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view.

A Constitution should be short and obscure.

A leader is a dealer in hope.

A man cannot become an atheist merely by wishing it.

A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

A revolution can be neither made nor stopped. The only thing that can be done is for one of several of its children to give it a direction by dint of victories.

A revolution is an idea which has found its bayonets.

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon.

A throne is only a bench covered with velvet.

A true man hates no one.

Ability is nothing without opportunity.

All religions have been made by men.

Ambition never is in a greater hurry that I; it merely keeps pace with circumstances and with my general way of thinking.

Among those who dislike oppression are many who like to oppress.

An army marches on its stomach.

Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.

England is a nation of shopkeepers.

Forethought we may have, undoubtedly, but not foresight.

Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.

France has more need of me than I have need of France.

From the heights of these pyramids, forty centuries look down on us.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Great ambition is the passion of a great character. Those endowed with it may perform very good or very bad acts. All depends on the principles which direct them.

He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.

He who knows how to flatter also knows how to slander.

History is a set of lies agreed upon.

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.

I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other.

I am the successor, not of Louis XVI, but of Charlemagne.

I can no longer obey; I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.

I have only one counsel for you - be master.

I love power. But it is as an artist that I love it. I love it as a musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and harmonies.

I made all my generals out of mud.

If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god.

If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede cannon shots.

If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.

If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.

Imagination rules the world.

Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.

In order to govern, the question is not to follow out a more or less valid theory but to build with whatever materials are at hand. The inevitable must be accepted and turned to advantage.

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

In politics... never retreat, never retract... never admit a mistake.

It is the cause, not the death, that makes the martyr.

It requires more courage to suffer than to die.

Let the path be open to talent.

Medicines are only fit for old people.

Men are more easily governed through their vices than through their virtues.

Men are moved by two levers only: fear and self interest.

Men take only their needs into consideration - never their abilities.

Music is the voice that tells us that the human race is greater than it knows.

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.

One must change one's tactics every ten years if one wishes to maintain one's superiority.

One should never forbid what one lacks the power to prevent.

Power is my mistress. I have worked too hard at her conquest to allow anyone to take her away from me.

Public opinion is the thermometer a monarch should constantly consult.

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Respect the burden.

Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them.

Skepticism is a virtue in history as well as in philosophy.

Soldiers generally win battles; generals get credit for them.

Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.

Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

The act of policing is, in order to punish less often, to punish more severely.

The army is the true nobility of our country.

The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies.

The best cure for the body is a quiet mind.

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.

The extent of your consciousness is limited only by your ability to love and to embrace with your love the space around you, and all it contains.

The first virtue in a soldier is endurance of fatigue; courage is only the second virtue.

The French complain of everything, and always.

The great proof of madness is the disproportion of one's designs to one's means.

The herd seek out the great, not for their sake but for their influence; and the great welcome them out of vanity or need.

The human race is governed by its imagination.

The infectiousness of crime is like that of the plague.

The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you know.

The strong man is the one who is able to intercept at will the communication between the senses and the mind.

The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man.

The torment of precautions often exceeds the dangers to be avoided. It is sometimes better to abandon one's self to destiny.

The truest wisdom is a resolute determination.

The word impossible is not in my dictionary.

There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.

There are only two forces that unite men - fear and interest.

There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed.

There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Throw off your worries when you throw off your clothes at night.

To do all that one is able to do, is to be a man; to do all that one would like to do, is to be a god.

Victory belongs to the most persevering.

War is the business of barbarians.

Water, air, and cleanness are the chief articles in my pharmacy.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

What is history but a fable agreed upon?

When small men attempt great enterprises, they always end by reducing them to the level of their mediocrity.

When soldiers have been baptized in the fire of a battle-field, they have all one rank in my eyes.

With audacity one can undertake anything, but not do everything.

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

You must not fear death, my lads; defy him, and you drive him into the enemy's ranks.

You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war.

Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Stan Smith Quotes

 "American Dad!: Con Heir (#2.4)" (2005)
Francine Smith: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan Smith: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Francine Smith: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan Smith: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Stan Smith: This awesome man is Jack Smith, my real father!
Francine Smith: Say WHAAAAT?

Avery Bullock: We've located an al-Qaeda cell camped out in the desert of Algeria.
Stan Smith: Are they planning an attack?
Avery Bullock: No, they're just on a camping trip.
Stan Smith: Those s'mores-making bastards!

Jack: Now son, breaking in to a safe is like making love to a woman.
Stan Smith: So, we should just pound on it for like two minutes?

Francine Smith: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan Smith: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Francine Smith: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan Smith: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan Smith: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine Smith: I get it.
Stan Smith: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Francine Smith: You quit your job!
Stan Smith: Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.
Francine Smith: You mean you haven't got the job yet!
Stan Smith: Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure
Francine Smith: Rich in adventure!
[Pretends to be on the phone]
Francine Smith: Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!
Stan Smith: Well what'd they say.

Stan Smith: I can't believe you would choose being a jewel thief over the two most important things, being a spy and your son's love.
Jack: [pretending to be on the phone] Hello French Riviera can I buy a shato with my sons love?
Stan Smith: Yes, yes, we've all heard the bit.

"American Dad!: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Hayley Smith: [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad.
Stanley Smith: This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.

Stanley Smith: Osama, is that you?

Stanley Smith: Hillary, look out for the mine!
[Explosion]
Stanley Smith: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
Steve Smith: You said look out for the mine.
Stanley Smith: I said look out for the mine.

Hayley Smith: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!
Stanley Smith: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

Hayley Smith: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stanley Smith: You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stanley Smith: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

Stanley Smith: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts]
Stanley Smith: So look sharp!

Stanley Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley Smith: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley Smith: Henry, antidote.

Stanley Smith: Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Francine Smith: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan Smith: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

[Stan lectures Steve on what to do if he is compromised, which will result in Stan bombing his location]
Stan Smith: C'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy, or that little girl from "Poltergeist." She must be at least 16 by now, you could totally hit that!

Stan Smith: Well, I think I'm fully strapped.
Klaus: There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus, hmm?
Stan Smith: Nope, occupado.
[pulls out a spiked ball and chain]

Francine Smith: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan Smith: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan Smith: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

[on the roof, speaking through a megaphone]
Stan Smith: Until you give the exact details of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sleep.
Linda: It's two in the afternoon.
Stan Smith: No sleep! That's right. Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it? Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet... lilting... lullaby...
[snores, falls off roof]

Stan Smith: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan Smith: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine Smith: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan Smith: But not smallpox.
[laughs]
Stan Smith: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Stan Smith: [as his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler...that I as an American have every right to drive.

Stanley Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stanley Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

"American Dad!: Finances with Wolves (#2.11)" (2006)
Hayley Smith: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve Smith: And we widen to reveal...
Stan Smith: Look at all this cool stuff!

Francine Smith: This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.
Stan Smith: We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
Francine Smith: I'm talking about respect, Stan.
Stan Smith: Oh my God, you respected her?! You're dead, Klaus!

Stan Smith: Now, make me that breakfast you owe me.
Klaus: Right away. But first, let me ask you something. How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?
Stan Smith: Uh, three should do it... What?!
[Klaus knocks Stan unconscious with a frying pan]

Stan Smith: Here we go - mac and cheese. "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

Francine Smith: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan Smith: You made all this in one day?
Francine Smith: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Francine Smith: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan Smith: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.
Francine Smith: Oh, just forget it!
Stan Smith: Great call, Francine.

Steve Smith: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan Smith: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Francine Smith: Stan, it's great the CIA gave you that $20,000 bonus for "Most Evasive Testimony to Congress," but at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Stan Smith: Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win! And don't tell me it's not a competition, because it SO is.

"American Dad!: Stan of Arabia: Part 1 (#2.5)" (2005)
Stan Smith: Just because we're in Saudi Arabia doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
[Referring to Stan's obsession with the TV show "Lost"]

Stanley Smith: Damnit! This is all Francine's fault! She could have started the wave of laughter. Laughter is contagious, like Small Pox or Gay!

Stan Smith: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine Smith: Stan, what the hell?
Stan Smith: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Francine Smith: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan Smith: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

Stan Smith: Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party, which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.

Hayley Smith: Bye, dad. We're going to see the new Michael Moore documentary.
Stan Smith: Michael Moore... ? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden.

"American Dad!: Stan Knows Best (#1.3)" (2005)
Francine Smith: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine Smith: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley Smith: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stanley Smith: Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine Smith: It took me nine months to make it!

Stanley Smith: [holding a baby] One of us pooped.

"American Dad!: Francine's Flashback (#1.4)" (2005)
[Amnesia has Francine thinking she's 21 again, and she's run off to Burning Man with Hayley's punknik-hippie boyfriend]
Hayley Smith: Mom stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at 'em by dating each other. Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stanley Smith: Shoot him! Shoot him!
[We see Stan is watching Sesame Street]
Elmo: Big Bird why don't you share your cookie with Cookie Monster?
Stanley Smith: Don't trust him. He eats cookies but he never swallows anything!

Roger the Alien: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stanley Smith: Who?
Roger the Alien: The black guys that did this.

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley Smith: And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stanley Smith: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

"American Dad!: A Smith in the Hand (#2.2)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: [singing] Acid, lava, and your crotch. These are things you must not touch!

Stanley Smith: [Talking to lighter] Soon my pet, soon I will feed you the world.

Stanley Smith: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve Smith: Well, I guess not. But...
Stanley Smith: See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It will just be a fact. An ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And, you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, Son?
Steve Smith: No.
Stanley Smith: And that's where babies come from.

Steve Smith: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stanley Smith: That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

Steve Smith: Dad! There you are.
Stanley Smith: Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where else would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve Smith: Yeah, right. Only perverts and democrats do that.
Stanley Smith: [laughs] Well said, soldier.

"American Dad!: Bullocks to Stan (#2.1)" (2005)
Hayley Smith: [Hayley is dating Bullock, Stan's boss] I came over here after the party, we started talking, and... you know. And besides, he has a huge...
Stanley Smith: Penis. Haley! Damn.
Hayley Smith: I was going to say "heart" but... well, you saw his shoes.

[Bullock has maimed Jeff]
Hayley Smith: Dad! Do something!
Stanley Smith: [to waitress] So what, exactly, is a "frittata"?
Hayley Smith: Dad!
Stanley Smith: Hey, I'm hungry! This man rode me like an animal for three hours. Do you have ANY idea what that's like?
Hayley Smith: [pause; Hayley glares at him]
Stanley Smith: And now I'm not hungry.

Hayley Smith: If all the CIA is at this picnic, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stanley Smith: The FBI pulls a double shift.

Stanley Smith: [after swallowing a self-destructing letter] I'm pooping blood tonight.

Francine Smith: Honestly, Stan, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion. It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
Stanley Smith: Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland. Ah, Shouldland! Where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard and the Shouldland High football team get their optimistic asses kicked by their crosstown rival, Reality Check Tech.

"American Dad!: Roger Codger (#1.5)" (2005)
Steve Smith: Don't you have any feelings?
Stanley Smith: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Roger the Alien: Don't hurt me! I know it sounds cliche, but I mean you no harm!
Stanley Smith: You're the alien? But they said you'd be bigger, and with claws.
Roger the Alien: Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. See? Kitty can scratch.

Stanley Smith: [Stan is brushing his teeth, and breaks the toothbrush] Damn Chinese toothbrushes! You know, they can make a chicken taste like an orange, but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stanley Smith: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley Smith: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Stanley Smith: My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

"American Dad!: Rapture's Delight (#6.9)" (2009)
Stan Smith: I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisys.

Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Stan Smith: God pays twice as much attention on Christmas, like the media when a white kid goes missing.

Stan Smith: It's raining wise men. Hallelujah.

"American Dad!: Threat Levels (#1.2)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla, and you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent and we'll promenade around the neighborhood delighting both young and old alike with our saucy banter.

Stanley Smith: [after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?
Roger the Alien: Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.
Stanley Smith: So explain that cold sore.
Roger the Alien: [shouts] Mind your own business!

Stanley Smith: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
Jackson: Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.
Jeff: Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Kevin: I used to work in real estate.
Stanley Smith: What are you, gay?
Stanley Smith: I was when I worked in real estate. Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that.
Stanley Smith: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?

"American Dad!: Every Which Way But Lose (#5.17)" (2009)
Roger Smith: If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm gonna pumpkin.

Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger Smith: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Stan Smith: Look at this! We're having a father/son moment.
Steve: [punches Stan in the groin] Quit ruining it!

"American Dad!: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever (#4.8)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [to Francine] Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator doesn't mean you know how it works.

Stan Smith: I don't know why Francine's so mad about me for always being right. I don't get mad at her for always being wrong.
[pause]
Stan Smith: Boobs are holding up nicely for a gal her age, I'll say that.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan Smith: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan Smith: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan Smith: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan Smith: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.

"American Dad!: Roy Rogers McFreely (#5.12)" (2009)
Stan Smith: An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Stan Smith: Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.

"American Dad!: Deacon Stan, Jesus Man (#1.7)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine Smith: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.

Stanley Smith: [to his wife] Potato salad. Not adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

"American Dad!: Star Trek (#2.8)" (2005)
Francine Smith: Anything for me?
Stanley Smith: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Stanley Smith: [his wife's roots are showing] Francine, looking at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.

"American Dad!: Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold (#4.15)" (2008)
Francine Smith: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan Smith: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley Smith: It's just a nose ring.
Stan Smith: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine Smith: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

"American Dad!: Bush Comes to Dinner (#3.10)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that's our maid.
George W. Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!

"American Dad!: Of Ice and Men (#3.7)" (2006)
Francine Smith: You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?
Stan Smith: How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

"American Dad!: Dungeons and Wagons (#3.5)" (2006)
Stan Smith: Francine, run!
Roger the Alien: Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

"American Dad!: All About Steve (#2.3)" (2005)
Stanley Smith: Sweet Sally Struthers... Sweet Sally Struthers! I can say "Sweet Sally Struthers!"

"American Dad!: Black Mystery Month (#3.13)" (2007)
Steve Smith: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?
Stan Smith: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

"American Dad!: The Magnificent Steven (#3.18)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [to a photo of George W. Bush] Who's going to take over when I'm enjoying a glorious Reagan-style slide into dementia? What do you think? You're the smartest person I know. I mean, I've always respected you, even when you were drinking and doing all that coke.

"American Dad!: Lincoln Lover (#3.4)" (2006)
Steve Smith: I thought we hated gays.
Stan Smith: Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

"Family Guy: Lois Kills Stewie (#6.5)" (2007)
[Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from "American Dad!" confront Brian and Stewie after Stewie gains control of the world's power grid]
Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.
[Realizing they have no choice, Stan and Bullock lower their guns]
Avery Bullock: What are your demands?

"American Dad!: Jack's Back (#5.13)" (2009)
Stan Smith: [Talking about his camping trip with his dad and son] It was really fun, you should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything.

"American Dad!: Big Trouble in Little Langley (#4.4)" (2007)
[after Bah Bah rescued Stan from being trapped in his own home because Mr. Dawson refuses to bail him out and arrogantly abandons him with his wife.]
Stan Smith: Why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Bah Bah: Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She failed math in school. Imagine, Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan Smith: It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

"American Dad!: An Apocalypse to Remember (#3.14)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [realizes he in a camp for deaf kids] Alright! Hey, I'm gonna go in the kitchen steal your food! Marlee Matlin sucks!
Stan Smith: [Exits then returns] You know what, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.

"American Dad!: Stannie Get Your Gun (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Heisler: [pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again.
Stanley Smith: [distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair?
[stabs Stan in the leg with a fork]
Stanley Smith: Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!
Dr. Heisler: It's the bullet that saved you.
Stanley Smith: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley Smith: What?
Stanley Smith: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#2.16)" (2006)
[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley Smith: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine Smith: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley Smith: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine Smith: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine Smith: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley Smith: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine Smith: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley Smith: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine Smith: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine Smith: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

"American Dad!: Man in the Moonbounce (#6.5)" (2009)
Stan Smith: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

"American Dad!: Joint Custody (#3.19)" (2007)
Stanley Smith: Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world.
[hugs bag of Cheetos.]

"American Dad!: Return of the Bling (#6.13)" (2010)
Stan Smith: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads.

Homer Simpson Quotes

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!


Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?


Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Homer no function beer well without.

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.


Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

Derek And Clive - This Bloke Came Up to me

Isaac Newton

A man may imagine things that are false, but he can only understand things that are true, for if the things be false, the apprehension of them is not understanding.

Errors are not in the art but in the artificers.

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

I was like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.

If I have done the public any service, it is due to my patient thought.

If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.

It is the weight, not numbers of experiments that is to be regarded.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction.

To me there has never been a higher source of earthly honor or distinction than that connected with advances in science.

To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me.

We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances.

We build too many walls and not enough bridges.

Albert Einstein Quotes

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.

A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem.

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?

All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.

All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded the individual.

All these primary impulses, not easily described in words, are the springs of man's actions.

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.

Anyone who doesn't take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

As far as I'm concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and equations.

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems, in my opinion, to characterize our age.

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.

Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized.

Everything should be as simple as it is, but not simpler.

Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.

Force always attracts men of low morality.

God always takes the simplest way.

God does not play dice.

God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!

Human beings must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it.

I am a deeply religious nonbeliever - this is a somewhat new kind of religion.

I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.

I am not only a pacifist but a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war.

I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.

I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation and is but a reflection of human frailty.

I do not believe in immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it.

I do not believe in the God of theology who rewards good and punishes evil.

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out in a war fought with the atomic bomb. Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.

I have just got a new theory of eternity.

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

I shall never believe that God plays dice with the world.

I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.

I used to go away for weeks in a state of confusion.

I want to know all Gods thoughts; all the rest are just details.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same.

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.

Information is not knowledge.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

Isn't it strange that I who have written only unpopular books should be such a popular fellow?

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.

It is only to the individual that a soul is given.

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge.

It should be possible to explain the laws of physics to a barmaid.

It stands to the everlasting credit of science that by acting on the human mind it has overcome man's insecurity before himself and before nature.

It was the experience of mystery - even if mixed with fear - that engendered religion.

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.

Joy in looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift.

Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized.

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.

Love is a better teacher than duty.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Memory is deceptive because it is colored by today's events.

Morality is of the highest importance - but for us, not for God.

Most of the fundamental ideas of science are essentially simple, and may, as a rule, be expressed in a language comprehensible to everyone.

Most people say that is it is the intellect which makes a great scientist. They are wrong: it is character.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it.

Never lose a holy curiosity.

No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced.

Occurrences in this domain are beyond the reach of exact prediction because of the variety of factors in operation, not because of any lack of order in nature.

Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.

One may say the eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.

One strength of the communist system of the East is that it has some of the character of a religion and inspires the emotions of a religion.

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.

Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

People love chopping wood. In this activity one immediately sees results.

Perfection of means and confusion of ends seem to characterize our age.

Politics is for the present, but an equation is for eternity.

Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.

Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

Small is the number of people who see with their eyes and think with their minds.

Solitude is painful when one is young, but delightful when one is more mature.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.

That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.

The attempt to combine wisdom and power has only rarely been successful and then only for a short while.

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

The environment is everything that isn't me.

The faster you go, the shorter you are.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.

The grand aim of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical facts by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.

The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.

The high destiny of the individual is to serve rather than to rule.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

The man of science is a poor philosopher.

The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

The only real valuable thing is intuition.

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.

The only source of knowledge is experience.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

The process of scientific discovery is, in effect, a continual flight from wonder.

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

The road to perdition has ever been accompanied by lip service to an ideal.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.

The unleashed power of the atom has changed everything save our modes of thinking and we thus drift toward unparalleled catastrophe.

The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.

There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there.

There could be no fairer destiny for any physical theory than that it should point the way to a more comprehensive theory in which it lives on as a limiting case.

There is no logical way to the discovery of these elemental laws. There is only the way of intuition, which is helped by a feeling for the order lying behind the appearance.

Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.

To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science.

To the Master's honor all must turn, each in its track, without a sound, forever tracing Newton's ground.

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist.

True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

We cannot despair of humanity, since we ourselves are human beings.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive.

We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.

We still do not know one thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.

When the solution is simple, God is answering.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.

Without deep reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created.

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.

You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.

Stephen Hawking Quotes

Even if there is only one possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations. What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe?

God not only plays dice, He also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen.

I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.

If we do discover a complete theory, it should be in time understandable in broad principle by everyone. Then we shall all, philosophers, scientists, and just ordinary people be able to take part in the discussion of why we and the universe exist.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.

It is no good getting furious if you get stuck. What I do is keep thinking about the problem but work on something else. Sometimes it is years before I see the way forward. In the case of information loss and black holes, it was 29 years.

It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value.

Most sets of values would give rise to universes that, although they might be very beautiful, would contain no one able to wonder at that beauty.

My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.

Not only does God play dice, but... he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.

One cannot really argue with a mathematical theorem.

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales.

The usual approach of science of constructing a mathematical model cannot answer the questions of why there should be a universe for the model to describe. Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?

The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.

There are grounds for cautious optimism that we may now be near the end ofthe search for the ultimate laws of nature.

To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.

Stephen Fry Quotes

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

As someone who worked hard for a Labour victory in the 90s, do I regret it? Not really. It was bound to happen. And it'll happen with the next government, and the one after it. Because all governments serve us. They serve the filth.

But happiness is no respecter of persons.

But if one could go back in time, I'd love to have been directed by Howard Hawks, who's one of my great heroes. One of the greatest directors there ever was. He directed probably one of the greatest westerns of all time in Rio Bravo.

Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

Having been an actor and a writer for so long - 20 years or so - I felt that it would be daft to go to one's grave without having directed. It's a natural extension of writing and acting, and so I knew it would happen one day.

I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.

I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book.

I have pushed the boat out as far as I should in terms of taking on too many things. I'm getting older and I just could not take it any more. I am now monitoring myself very closely and I'm just trying not to get into that sort of state again.

I like to think of myself at home in the armchair, writing, smoking and occasionally wandering down the shop.

I shouldn't be saying this - high treason, really - but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren't fooled by our accent into detecting brilliance that may not really be there.

I think my view is that whenever you project into the future you're never likely to be accurate in the details, or the paraphernalia and style.

I think the fact that I'm so well known to be gay makes it very difficult to have a convincing relationship with a woman on screen. It wouldn't be at all difficult for me to kiss a woman - I'll kiss a frog if you like.

I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable.

I'd probably want to teach at university, because children would drive me insane. I suspect it would be English literature, Shakespeare and so forth. I've always been deeply, deeply in love with that kind of thing.

I've always had great respect for Paddington because he is amusingly English and eccentric. He is a great British institution and my generation grew up with the books and then Michael Horden's animations.

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.

It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common.

It was extremely important to show that Wilde's sexuality was not just some intellectual idea. It was real, and it was about the human body. To just have mentioned it and not shown it would have been, I think, peculiar and wrong.

It's rather splendid to think of all those great men and women who appear to have presented symptoms that allow us to describe them as bipolar. Whether it's Hemingway, Van Gogh... Robert Schumann has been mentioned... Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath... some of them with rather grim ends.

Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave.

Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good.

Moving from chair to chair, from coffee machine to coffee machine is the limit of my action in most films. But I enjoy being cast in them because I love watching them.

No, I love the idea that someone changes. As an actor it's always the thing that you look for. He is someone who starts off bright, cheerful and confident and then has everything taken away from him. It's a wonderful journey to take.

Oh, it takes a lot for me to walk out of a film.

Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.

Personally, I'd never seen a graphic novel. I knew they existed because friends of mine like Jonathan Ross collect them and some very literate and intelligent people really rate the graphic novel as a form.

Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness.

That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand.

There is so much we can learn from TV. It's a window on the world.

They are just 100 per cent bear, whereas human beings feel we're not 100 per cent human, that we're always letting ourselves down. We're constantly striving towards something, to some fulfilment.

When you get just a complete sense of blackness or void ahead of you, that somehow the future looks an impossible place to be, and the direction you are going seems to have no purpose, there is this word despair which is a very awful thing to feel.

When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.

You can't reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.

You don't sit down and write a wish list about the person you are going to fall violently in love with. It just doesn't work like that.